THE ESSENTIALS FOR A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Who Taught You Relationship Essentials? Parents Parents Significant Others Significant Others Peers Peers Media Media

The Number One Dynamic of Attraction Initial attraction is based upon physical and personality characteristics Initial attraction is based upon physical and personality characteristics The primary attraction for long term relationships is comfort based upon familiarity The primary attraction for long term relationships is comfort based upon familiarity The one thing you wanted most to change in one of your parents The one thing you wanted most to change in one of your parents Stanford Study Stanford Study

What is Compatibility Really Based On? Family rules Family rules Personality dynamics Personality dynamics Interests Interests Values-ultimately the most important determinant Values-ultimately the most important determinant Mirroring Mirroring Rejection Rejection

Where Do We Get Our Dynamics Your initial relationship program is based upon your parental one Your initial relationship program is based upon your parental one Raising awareness of family of origin dynamics and rules Raising awareness of family of origin dynamics and rules Developing a new model based on healthier dynamics Developing a new model based on healthier dynamics Dealing with discomfort and finding new familiarity Dealing with discomfort and finding new familiarity

The Two Basic Requirements of a Healthy Relationship Respect Respect Assertiveness Assertiveness

A Five Dimensional Model of Healthy Relationships Investment Investment Communication Communication Power Power Trust Trust Forgiveness Forgiveness

Investment Doing everything you can possibly do to enhance your partner’s self-esteem and life experience Doing everything you can possibly do to enhance your partner’s self-esteem and life experience Caring Days Caring Days

Communication Develop rules for your process of problem solving Develop rules for your process of problem solving Make it a priority to set down regularly to discuss issues and plans Make it a priority to set down regularly to discuss issues and plans Give your relationship time Give your relationship time Respect, respect, and more respect Respect, respect, and more respect Timeouts Timeouts Reflective listening Reflective listening Mehabrian’s Study Mehabrian’s Study The Three don’ts The Three don’ts

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CLEAN COMMUNICATION Avoid judgmental words and loaded terms Avoid judgmental words and loaded terms Avoid global labels Avoid global labels Avoid “you” messages of blame and accusation Avoid “you” messages of blame and accusation Avoid old history Avoid old history Avoid negative comparisons Avoid negative comparisons

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF CLEAN COMMUNICATION (cont) Avoid threats Avoid threats Describe your feelings rather than attack with them Describe your feelings rather than attack with them Keep your body language open and receptive Keep your body language open and receptive Use whole messages Use whole messages Use clear messages Use clear messages

Power The shift from taking care of oneself to taking care of the relationship The shift from taking care of oneself to taking care of the relationship The balance of power that serves the relationship best The balance of power that serves the relationship best Power can be based upon personal strengths and differences in personality Power can be based upon personal strengths and differences in personality Area that tends to reflect greatest abuses Area that tends to reflect greatest abuses

Trust The Barometer of the Relationship The Barometer of the Relationship There is no gain with mistrust in a relationship There is no gain with mistrust in a relationship

Forgiveness Essential for all relationships Essential for all relationships Process of letting go of baggage Process of letting go of baggage Follows cognitive restructuring model Follows cognitive restructuring model

Boundaries Boundaries exist whether or not you are aware of them Boundaries exist whether or not you are aware of them Most problems occur in relationships because boundaries are unclear Most problems occur in relationships because boundaries are unclear A boundary only works when both parties are clear about it A boundary only works when both parties are clear about it Communicating boundaries clearly is essential for a relationship to be healthy Communicating boundaries clearly is essential for a relationship to be healthy

Examples of Boundaries Group leaders will not interact with participants in ways that promote disruption Group leaders will not interact with participants in ways that promote disruption Group leaders will not model inappropriate behavior Group leaders will not model inappropriate behavior Group leaders will rely on each other and consult with leaders when questions arise Group leaders will rely on each other and consult with leaders when questions arise Individuals will act in ways that reflect respect for others Individuals will act in ways that reflect respect for others Individuals will treat themselves and others as they would a best friend Individuals will treat themselves and others as they would a best friend

Parting Wish May all of your relationships focus upon making every moment of your life as rich as it can be through your friendships, families, and intimacies. May all of your relationships focus upon making every moment of your life as rich as it can be through your friendships, families, and intimacies. With that special someone who will be in your life, may you smile at them with the same intensity and desire at 80 as you do in the best of times in the formation of your relationship. With that special someone who will be in your life, may you smile at them with the same intensity and desire at 80 as you do in the best of times in the formation of your relationship.