8/15/ Relationship Tools VTURNER July, 2003

8/15/ Introduction The degree of personal and professional happiness, fulfillment and success we feel often depends on the quality of our interactions with others. Nothing exhilarates, uplifts, irritates, angers, or disappoints us the way the people in our lives do.

8/15/ Introduction (cont’d) Explore Relationships –What is a relationship? –Types of relationships Relationship Tools –Effective Communication Skills –Conflict Resolution

8/15/ What is a Relationship? An association between people that involves “give” and “take”. When 2 or more people are connected as being or belonging or working together. The state of being mutually or reciprocally interested. A continuing attachment between persons.

8/15/ Types of Relationships Family Friendship - Peer Romantic Professional Spiritual

8/15/ Types of Relationships (cont’d) Healthy –Increase self-esteem –Improve mental & emotional health –Lead to a fuller life Unhealthy –Lowers self-esteem –Causes stress, can lead to mental, physical illness –Dangerous, maybe even lethal

8/15/ Types of Relationships (cont’d) Healthy Relationship –Based on RESPECT Unhealthy Relationship –Based on Power & Control

8/15/ Healthy Relationship Characteristics –Respect –Trust and Support –Honesty and Accountability –Negotiation and Fairness –Non-threatening

8/15/ Unhealthy Relationship Characteristics –Intimidation –Jealousy –Domination, One-up Attitude – I’m in charge here –Combative –Stressful

8/15/ Unhealthy Relationships Abuse – a pattern of hurtful behavior that a person uses to control another It can occur: –In homes as child abuse or domestic violence –In workplaces as sexual or racial harassment –In church organizations as manipulative power plays –And in governments or institutions – needs of disadvantaged people are disregarded

8/15/ Abuse Forms –Physical Violence –Sexual Violence –Verbal Violence –Emotional Violence –Spiritual Violence –Economical Violence –Social Violence Abusers feel they have the right to control. Telling others what to do and expecting obedience.

8/15/ Signs of Verbal & Child Abuse Verbal Abuse –Name Calling –Threats –Intimidation Child Abuse –No one telltale sign –Nightmares or trouble sleeping –Feel sad, passive, withdrawn or depressed –Show fear of certain adults –Avoid going home

8/15/ Reporting Child Abuse National Child Abuse Hotline – A-CHILD Michigan – (Clergy mandated to report) Kentucky – Illinois – ABUSE (Clergy mandated to report) Ohio – Hamilton County – KIDS (Clergy mandated to report)

8/15/ Relationship Rights To be treated with respect – and define what respect is for you. To decide what is important for you and set your priorities. To have and express your own feelings and opinions. To have a different view and not feel guilty. To be listened to and taken seriously. To make mistakes and be allowed to try again. To ask for what you want. Each right has a responsibility – to behave in the same way towards the other person.

8/15/ Relationship Tools Relationship Skills are a must to effectively connect with others. Tools: –Effective Communication Skills –Conflict Resolution

8/15/ Effective Communication Skills Communication is successful if there is shared understanding. Two (2) Parts –Expressing ourselves clearly (Self-Expression) –Listening and understanding what is communicated to us.

8/15/ Effective Communication Skills (cont’d) Self-Expression Strategies –Overcome Barriers –Use “I” statements –Avoid Questions that aren’t Questions Use open ended questions (How, What, Why) –Stroking –Use Positive Language, Compliments – Watch out for qualifiers such as “but” –Ask for feedback –Notice Non-verbal messages

8/15/ Effective Communication Skills (cont’d) Listening –Difference between hearing & listening –Check your Perceptions What do I think is happening? What does the other person think is happening? –Listening Skills involve: Concentration Reception Suspending your ideas Understanding another person’s perspective

8/15/ Effective Communication Skills (cont’d) Active Listening Strategies –Do not interrupt the speaker –Stop talking! –Focus –Eliminate distractions –Use positive body language –Use paraphrasing –Use summarizing –Use inquiry –Listen to how something is said –Disarming technique

8/15/ Effective Communication Skills Summary Effective Communication involves: –Harmony between what is said and what is done –A willingness to listen –A level of openness –Respect for the other person

8/15/ Conflict Resolution Conflicts can arise whenever people disagree Three (3) resolution types –Fight (win-lose – Aggressive Behavior) –Flight (win-lose – Passive Behavior) –Flow (win-win – Assertive Behavior)

8/15/ Conflict Resolution (cont’d) Assertive Behavior –Statement of preference that takes the other person’s rights into consideration. –It is not aggressiveness. –Three parts: Validation Statement of the problem Statement of what you want

8/15/ Conflict Resolution (Cont’d) Rules for the Road –Be respectful –Check out your “hot buttons” –Seek to understand the other person –Separate the problem from the person –Unite against the problem

8/15/ Conflict Resolution (cont’d) Fight Fair –Defuse anger by simply agreeing. –Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes –State the problem and try to stick to the facts –Each person should state their feelings (Use “I” messages. –Each person should listen actively to the other. –Brainstorm solutions –Discuss advantages and disadvantages –Select a solution

8/15/ Conflict Do’s & Don'ts DO Be relaxed and calm Understand - everyone makes mistakes Use positive and constructive comments Be willing to offer and accept a resolution Control your words, tone of voice, and nonverbal communication Don’t Become self-righteous Attack the other persons character Use inflammatory remarks, threats, or generalizations Use body language – rolling your eyes Interrupt conversations Broaden the conflict into other issues

8/15/ Final Thoughts We have many relationships –Healthy - respect –Unhealthy - abuse Tools for healthy relationships –Effective Communication Skills –Conflict Resolution Questions/Comments