TKK i parförhållande (svengelsk version) VT 2007 Nataliya Berbyuk

Ska prata om: M+Kv=”tvärkulturell” kommunikation Universell? Kulturell? Att söka, att hitta, att vara med Kärlek och kultur: t.ex. USA och Kina Vem vill vi ha? Om kontaktannonser på Internet Att vara tillsammans: “Intercultural Marriage”

Relationer skapas, upprätthålls och avbryts genom tal Män och kvinnor Talet skapar ”vår” värld

Varför pratar vi? Budskapet består av den information som förmedlas av ordens betydelse Det som meddelas om relationer- attityder gentemot varandra, situationen och det vi säger- är metabudskapet (D. Tannen)

Hans och hennes Kvinnor ” efter alla denna tid borde du veta vad jag vill utan att jag ska behöva säga det”- närhet Män ” Efter all denna tid borde vi kunna tala om för varandra vad det är vi vill” - oberoendet

Hon: hur kan du göra så här när du vet att det sårar mig? Han: hur kan du försöka begränsa min frihet? Hon: men jag mår ju så dåligt av det Han: du försöker manipulera mig

Närhet och oberoendet Närhet är något centralt i en värld som bygger på samhörighet mellan människor Individerna med invecklade vänskapsmönster Minimum skiljaktigheter Nå enighet och undvika att framstå som överlägsna BEROENDET Oberoendet- att fastställa högre status! Att tala för andra vad de ska göra? FRIHET

Några “populära” ex: Att prata vs. att lösa problemet: män som problemlösare Kvinnor: prata, prata, prata… Män: tar upp frågan-kommer med en lösning- avslutning

forts. Är jag inte en självständig person? Tannen: Den som ger information har en högre ställning Är det så? Stämmer det?

forts. Att berätta om liknande bekymmer:-) Män- gillar ej Kvinnor:-)

forts. Har ”kvinnlig intuition” (mer känsligare) Indirekta Försöker oftare nå en överenskommelse genom förhandling

Part 2. When men and women meet What is cultural? What is universal?

Step 1. Courting (flört, uppvaktning) Body talk Irenaus Eibl- Eibesfeldt (1970) Universal pattern of female flirting took pictures from the side he could stand near couples and take their pictures without their realizing they were being observed research in Samoa, Brazil, Paris, Sydney and New York, Eye language “copulatory” gaze: “pigmy” chimpanzees, baboons emotions (P Ekman 1970s): JOY, SORROW, HAPPINESS, SURPRISE, FEAR (Darwin)

Universal courting cues? E.g. David Givens (1983) “Love Signals: How to Attract a Mate” Timothy Perper (1985) “Sex Signals: The Biology of Love” The same general pattern (research in USA) Attention getting: territory, nv behavior Recognition: eyes meet eyes Talk:-): what you say and how you say, background Touch Body synchrony Cultural differences? Yes. Universal?: Yes (e.g. body synchrony)

To woo Slowly:-) Men or women? 2/3 of all pickups - US women; do consciously (Perper) Female forwardness? Culture? 1951 Clellan Ford and Frank Beach “Cross- cutural sex practices: Patterns of Sexual Behavior” (72 out of 93 societies) Both sexes demonstrate a roughly equal sex drive

Food and song: universal? The dinner date: who pays? And who feeds? Music Otto Jespersen “Language was in the courting days of mankind, the first utterance of speech I fancy to myself like something between the nightly love lyrics of puss upon the tiles and the melodious love songs of the nightingale”

Step 2. Infatuation (förälskelse): Why him? Why her? The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is any reaction, both are transformed (Carl Jung) Tennov, Dorothy (1960s)- concept “limerence”≈ infatuation: special meaning, thoughts of love object, crystallization (not idealisation- neg features as positive), hope and uncertainty, fear, shyness, irrationality, uncontrollable passion---NOT SEX: 95% fem 91% male- against “the best thing about love is sex” 1977 Tennov, Dorothy "Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love"

Distinction from love and other emotions Tennov differentiates between limerence and other emotions by asserting that ( Love involves concern for the other person's welfare and feeling, while limerence does not require it, although it can be incorporated. Affection and fondness exist only as a disposition towards another person, irrespective of whether those feelings are reciprocated, whereas limerence demands return. Sex with the object is neither essential nor sufficient to an individual experiencing limerence, unlike one experiencing sexual attraction. Limerence is much longer-lived than feelings such as infatuation, romantic passion, and puppy love, enduring for months or even years, and can even be retained permanently. Limerence can have low-level periods which would not be considered infatuation.

Odor: Napoleon “ I will be arriving in Paris tomorrow evening. Don’t wash” Winnfred Cutler and G. Preti Cultural opinions: against body odors Japanese: arranged marriages? Americans

“Love maps” (John Money): what turns us on? Between 5-8 y o: mental pic. of a perfect mate Looks count Averageness (“genomsnittet”) wins - Bower (1990) “Avarage attractions” Money and age Buss, D (1989) Sex differences in human mate preferences: Evolutionary hypotheses tested in 37 cultures Men are attracted to young, good looking, spunky women Women are drawn to men with goods, property, or money

The Chase (Jakt) We are not attracted by those we know Barriers Timing Drown to people like ourselves

Mating games: one or more? The survival of the fittest Marriage as cultural universal Majority: take a spouse Monogyny (Mono “one, “gyny” female) Monoandry (mono “one” “andry” male) Polygyny Polyandry

Only 16 % of 853 cultures prescribe monogyny (Murdock, G.P. and White (1969) “Standard cross-cultural sample”), vad den Berghe, P.L. (1979) “Human Family Systems: An Evolutionary View”)) Western societies- minority!

Why? “Genetic payoffs” for men Resources and survival of their young for women But: George Peter Murdock “ An observer employing the criterion of numerical preponderance, consequently, would be compelled to characterise nearly every known human society as monogamous, despite the preference for and frequency of polygyny in the overwhelming majority” Both men and women marry one person at a time E.g. The Oneida Community (1849) John Humphrey Noyes the denunciation of the institution of marriage

See (1) COMPLEX MARRIAGE - This is where every man and every woman is married to each other. They could engage in sexual intercourse, but could not be attached to each other as stated earlier. (2) MALE CONTINENCE - This was a form of birth control where during and after sexual intercourse the man could not ejaculate. (3) ASCENDING FELLOWSHIP - This is where the young virgins in the community were brought into the practice of Complex Marriage. The older godly members who were in a special group and were called Central Members would pick a virgin to be spiritually responsible for. This took place when the young people were about fourteen years old. (7) SEPARATION - The members did separate into a community, but their main separation was to be a sexual one. (9) EQUALITY OF THE SEXES - The Oneida Community believed in equality of the sexes

Polyandry 0,5 % Tlingit Indians (Southern Alaska) WEALTHY WOMAN: gender roles Tibet Economical reasons+ biology (max 25 children)

Arranged love Marital love is the essence of life Love before?

Adultery (äktenskapsbrott) Oxford English Dictionary defines as: “sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than one’s spouse” Wife lending (Inuit- Eskimo peoples) Kaikuru- Xingu river in Brazil : ajois (OK to talk about) difference: male/female Adultery with/ without sexual intercourse: The Lozi of Africa 1986 People Magazine: 74 % of 750

Divorce Permit Regrettable but necessary

Divorce is permitted Why? Betzig. L. (1989) Causes of conjual dissolution. A Cross- Cultural Study 160 societies Blatant philandering Sterility/bareness Cruelty Spouse’s personality/conduct Bad temper Jealosy Talkativeness Sexual neglect Etc.

Money talks Personal economic autonomy spells freedom to depart Divorce rates are much lower where spouses are dependent on each other to make ends meet Religion

Similar backgrounds (personality, shared habits, interest, common values, leisure activities, mutual friends), mature age, very much in love, come from a close and loving family (Whyte (1990) Dating, Mating and Marriage) Where husband has to pay “bride price”- low Matrilineal (Navajo)- common Polygyny- high

When? The four-year itch ( NOT 7Th!!!! ) BUT: A. Earlier divorce- Egypt, other Muslim countries Return daughter-in-law rapidly Economic aspect- wedding fee B. USA: Feelings, feelings, feelings- infatuation fades out (2-3 years?) C. Age: twenties (reproductive years) the peak of divorce D. Children Samuel Johnson “remarriage is the triumph of hope over experience”

Love and Culture Triangular Theory of Love (Sternberg 1986) Cultural perspectives on love (the case of China and the USA)

What is Love? Stenberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (1986, 1988) Love consists of : Intimacy Passion Decision/commitment components

Intimacy (Sternberg (1988) Emotional investment partners have in a relationship (experienced happiness, mutual understanding, intimate communication, emotional support) Closeness, boundeness, connectedness ¨Warm¨ component of love

Passion Internal forces that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual satisfaction Needs for self-esteem, affiliation, dominance/submission and self- actualisation ¨Hot¨ component

Commitment Cognitive decision; is defined as a short-term decision to love someone and a long-term commitment to a loving relationship Deliberate choice- to love and to maintain love ¨Cold¨component

MULTIPLE TRIANGLES Real- corresponds to individual’s own feelings about relationship Perceived- what individual believes his/her partner to be experiencing Ideal- what one desires in an ideal partner DISCREPANCIES between triangles- decreased satisfaction

Changes in intimacy, passion and commitment in the course of relationship Intimacy - usually declines with time; In successful relationship- grows Passion - habituation Commitment - increases gradually, accelerates as the relationship strengthens and levels off) Engaged relationships - a grater degree of love compared to those in serious or casual relationships

Cultural perspectives on love Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures (Dion & Dion 1993, Hofstede 1980: Individualism- an emphasis on self-actualisation, individuals' initiatives and achievement, ¨I¨identity Collectivism- belonging to the intergroup, fitting in with the ingroup, and a focus on a ¨we¨identity Individualistic cultures: consider romantic love as an important basis for serious relationship, engagement ( a person’s support networks in i.c. Only include intimate relationships) Collectivistic cultures: a person’s support networks in c.c. Consist of not only intimate relationships, but also one’s intergroups relationships.

SOME EXAMPLES Japanese - the lowest level of attachment, belonginess, commitment (Ting- Toomey 1991) US- the highest level of attachment, belonginess, commitement+Eros (passionate love) and Storge (friendship love) (Sprecher et al., 1994) US perceive lover relationships as more intimate than friend relationships-Japanese- opposite

China Love is an obligation to the parents and family that individuals consider when searching for a mate affective relationships are shared in a broader social context and are not highly intensive within a given relationship- bonds to family romantic relationship=seriousness+ling-term commitment, one step before marriage commitment is rather strong

USA Emotional experiences on the first place Have grater degree of PERCEIVED SIMILARITY Romantic relationship is not a prelude to marriage