Communication

For many years, scholars tried to find predictors of marital success or failure by looking at social/demographic factors such as income, education, age at marriage, and the age difference between husband and wife. But social scientist now believe that these factors are far less important than the communication between partners. For example, it is not the lack of money that causes many marital problems, but rather how the couples communicate and negotiate with each other about their economic difficulties. (Fitzpatrick in Baca Zinn & Eitzen, 2002, pg. 281)

Gender differences in communication For women Goal of communication: communication is the goal, it is interaction Men use speech to accomplish a specific purpose, it is a means to an end

Women listen more & ask more questions Men talk more, interrupt more, dominate more in conversations by reinterpreting the speakers meaning or rerouting the conversation.

Men maintain less eye contact than women but when mixed gender, both compensate

Language women use verbal hedges & qualifiers which can weaken statements: "I kind of feel you may be wrong“ Women use personal, concrete style which clarifies issues and feelings: "wasn't it depressing when..."

Language Men use assertive, absolutist language: "That approach won't work” Men more often communicate in abstract terms

Emotion in Communication Men & women feel emotion equally, but express differently Men are slower in recognizing emotional problems in an intimate relationship Ruben Gur Study: photos of happy & sad faces Women express more emotion Women do more “maintenance work”

Men & Women tend to get angry about some of the same things but… Women are more often angered by a violation in a relationship. because of an action (or lack of action) that makes them feel Ignored Rejected Jealous or as if they've been treated disrespectfully or unjustly.

Men are angered by a threat to their autonomy. not being allowed, for whatever reason, to do what they want to do.

Guilt Women internalize & are self-judgmental Men are more likely to thinks it's someone else's fault.

Women were the "out group" in terms of power for so long that perhaps the only control they had was the emotional world

Evolutionary response? Men's brains evolved to pay more attention to other me (who posed as a potential threat)

Diana Hales 273-275