1. Introduction to Pastoral Care October 8, 2012

2. The Differentiation of Self

3. There is a difference between telling people what I think and telling them what they should think. Defining self means that we consistently and calmly tell others what we think and feel, without demanding that they think and feel the same way. The Leaders Journey

4. “Differentiation is the ability to be in charge of self, even when others in the emotional field are actually tying to make us be different from how we are.” (Creating a Healthier Church by Ronald Richardson page 87)

5. A more differentiated version of togetherness is when “I can tell you who I am, what I think, feel, believe, want to do, and have done, without getting anxious or worrying about what you may think about what I have told you, even if I believe you disagree with me and disapprove. You would reciprocate with the same kind of openness, and I could listen to you and not feel the need to change you to be more like how I want you to be.” (Couples in Conflict by Ronald Richardson page 35)

6. “One simple way of defining differentiation is as an ability to be closely connected with just about anyone we choose and still be a self, still maintain a sense of one’s own functional autonomy within the close relationship. It is the ability to be close to an emotionally important other while neither being dependent on gaining the other’s acceptance and approval nor fearing the other’s disapproval, rejection, or criticism of how we are.

7. It is also being comfortable with the differences in the other person, particularly in times of higher anxiety, and not letting those differences cause emotional distance on our part. It means not needing to change the other to meet our expectations, or change ourselves to meet the other’s, in order to be close.” (Ronald Richardson Becoming a Healthier Pastor page 56)

8. 3 Key Components 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Establish boundaries:  I am not responsible for someone else’s emotional well-being. I am only responsible to them to love them. 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Establish boundaries:  I am not responsible for someone else’s emotional well-being. I am only responsible to them to love them. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

9. Two Kinds of People With Boundary Issues. Compliants: Say yes to the bad - & can’t say no. They take on too much responsibility & won’t complain about it. They give in to the demands of others out of fear. Compliants: Say yes to the bad - & can’t say no. They take on too much responsibility & won’t complain about it. They give in to the demands of others out of fear. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

10. Compliants Are Afraid Compliants fear hurting feelings. Compliants fear the other person’s anger. Compliants fear abandonment & loneliness. Compliants fear retribution or punishment. Compliants fear being viewed as selfish, un- spiritual, or being a jerk. Compliants fear feeling guilty. Compliants fear hurting feelings. Compliants fear the other person’s anger. Compliants fear abandonment & loneliness. Compliants fear retribution or punishment. Compliants fear being viewed as selfish, un- spiritual, or being a jerk. Compliants fear feeling guilty. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

11. Compliants end up being controlled by others. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

12. Two Kinds of People With Boundary Issues. Controllers: Don’t respect the boundaries of others & they can’t set boundaries for themselves. They can’t hear no. Controllers aggressively or manipulatively violate the boundaries of others. Controllers: Don’t respect the boundaries of others & they can’t set boundaries for themselves. They can’t hear no. Controllers aggressively or manipulatively violate the boundaries of others. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

13. Controllers Controllers have little ability to control their impulses or desires. Controllers have limited ability to take responsibility for their own lives. Controllers always blame someone or something. Controllers use anger & guilt messages to get their way. Controllers have little ability to control their impulses or desires. Controllers have limited ability to take responsibility for their own lives. Controllers always blame someone or something. Controllers use anger & guilt messages to get their way. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

14. Controllers rarely feel loved because they know that the only reason people spend time with them is because they demand them to do so. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

15. 3 Key Components 1.Separate: - but not separated:  I express love through sacrifice & giving, and I compromise out of my own freedom to choose. I don’t do these things out of a reaction to my own anxiety or a need to keep the other person happy. 1.Separate: - but not separated:  I express love through sacrifice & giving, and I compromise out of my own freedom to choose. I don’t do these things out of a reaction to my own anxiety or a need to keep the other person happy. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

16. 3 Key Components 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Self-defined: Clear self-boundaries. – This is who I am – this is where I stand – this is what I will do and this is what I won’t do. I take responsibility for my own ideas and decisions. I can say no and set limits. I don’t demand that others conform to my way of thinking. Don’t take responsibility for the feelings or decisions of others. Don’t try to control others. 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Self-defined: Clear self-boundaries. – This is who I am – this is where I stand – this is what I will do and this is what I won’t do. I take responsibility for my own ideas and decisions. I can say no and set limits. I don’t demand that others conform to my way of thinking. Don’t take responsibility for the feelings or decisions of others. Don’t try to control others. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

17. 3 Key Components 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Self-defined Clear thinking, inner guidance system. Beliefs, values, life goals, purpose & priorities. Well thought through principles. My beliefs & values are examined & in my awareness. Who do you want to be in this relationship or in life? What are your core values? 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Self-defined Clear thinking, inner guidance system. Beliefs, values, life goals, purpose & priorities. Well thought through principles. My beliefs & values are examined & in my awareness. Who do you want to be in this relationship or in life? What are your core values? Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

18. 3 Key Components 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Self-regulated: I take responsibility for myself – I don’t blame and I don’t take on a victim mentality. The only person I can change is me – and I can change me. What is my role in keeping this problem in place? Am I being the person I want to be in this situation? Let go of your need for the other person to be different than they are. Denying responsibility for ourselves give the system power over us. As long as we see “them” as responsible for our difficulties or unhappiness, we will stay stuck. 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Self-regulated: I take responsibility for myself – I don’t blame and I don’t take on a victim mentality. The only person I can change is me – and I can change me. What is my role in keeping this problem in place? Am I being the person I want to be in this situation? Let go of your need for the other person to be different than they are. Denying responsibility for ourselves give the system power over us. As long as we see “them” as responsible for our difficulties or unhappiness, we will stay stuck. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

19. 3 Key Components 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Self-regulated: I become less emotionally reactive. I have the courage to face myself. I am self aware. I know what my buttons are and why they are my buttons. I am a calm & less anxious presence. I learn calming practices. When emotions/anxiety rises we quit thinking & listening. 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Self-regulated: I become less emotionally reactive. I have the courage to face myself. I am self aware. I know what my buttons are and why they are my buttons. I am a calm & less anxious presence. I learn calming practices. When emotions/anxiety rises we quit thinking & listening. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

20. 3 Key Components 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Self-regulated: I learn to think systems and watch the process. The observing, thinking, leader becomes curious, engaged, and open to new learning. What counts is the leader’s presence and being. I develop more objectivity. I refuse to take things personally. 1.Separate: - but not separated:  Self-regulated: I learn to think systems and watch the process. The observing, thinking, leader becomes curious, engaged, and open to new learning. What counts is the leader’s presence and being. I develop more objectivity. I refuse to take things personally. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

21. 3 Key Components 1.Separate: - but not separated:  I am able to rely less on the other person for support or to “complete” something that is lacking in me.  I can distinguish and choose between my feelings and my thinking.  Each person makes thoughtful & constructive contributions to the relationship. 1.Separate: - but not separated:  I am able to rely less on the other person for support or to “complete” something that is lacking in me.  I can distinguish and choose between my feelings and my thinking.  Each person makes thoughtful & constructive contributions to the relationship. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

22. 3 Key Components 2. Equal:  Equally important: Neither person in the relationship thinks that he or she is “more” important or “less” important. There is mutual respect and appreciation. Each person is treated as if they are important. 2. Equal:  Equally important: Neither person in the relationship thinks that he or she is “more” important or “less” important. There is mutual respect and appreciation. Each person is treated as if they are important. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

23. 3 Key Components 2. Equal:  Equally free: There is no pressure to conform or to spend our lives doing what we must do. Neither person is pressured or coerced to change or give in. Each person is free to be themselves. We don’t give up part of ourselves in order to get along or to gain approval. 2. Equal:  Equally free: There is no pressure to conform or to spend our lives doing what we must do. Neither person is pressured or coerced to change or give in. Each person is free to be themselves. We don’t give up part of ourselves in order to get along or to gain approval. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

24. Proactive people don’t demand rights – they live them. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

25. 3 Key Components 2. Equal:  Equally responsible: Each person takes responsibility for himself or herself. Nether person does for the other what he or she can do for themselves. “Raising our own threshold for the pain another is experiencing can often motivate the other to take more responsibility for his or her life.” 2. Equal:  Equally responsible: Each person takes responsibility for himself or herself. Nether person does for the other what he or she can do for themselves. “Raising our own threshold for the pain another is experiencing can often motivate the other to take more responsibility for his or her life.” Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

26. 3 Key Components 3. Open:  Verbal: say what is so for me I learn to “say what is so for me.” My communication is thoughtful. I think rather than just react emotionally. 3. Open:  Verbal: say what is so for me I learn to “say what is so for me.” My communication is thoughtful. I think rather than just react emotionally. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

27. 3 Key Components 3. Open:  Verbal: We talk about relevant & meaningful topics. We talk about the deep things not just surface issues. I am courageous enough to be honest. I am clear about what I think & believe. I define myself clearly using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. 3. Open:  Verbal: We talk about relevant & meaningful topics. We talk about the deep things not just surface issues. I am courageous enough to be honest. I am clear about what I think & believe. I define myself clearly using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

28. 3 Key Components 3.Open:  Non-reactive. I am self-regulated. I manage my own anxiety. I take responsibility for my own anxiety & for processing my anxiety. I learn to calm myself. I don’t blame others. 3.Open:  Non-reactive. I am self-regulated. I manage my own anxiety. I take responsibility for my own anxiety & for processing my anxiety. I learn to calm myself. I don’t blame others. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

29. 3 Key Components 3.Open:  Non-reactive: I am self-aware. I know my typical patterns of reactivity to anxiety. I think deeply about my buttons, my vows, and the lies I’ve believed about myself. I do the hard and courageous work of self- discovery. 3.Open:  Non-reactive: I am self-aware. I know my typical patterns of reactivity to anxiety. I think deeply about my buttons, my vows, and the lies I’ve believed about myself. I do the hard and courageous work of self- discovery. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

30. 3 Key Components 3. Open:  Direct: Break free from “Triangling”. Stop talking about the person to someone else. Stop venting and dumping anxiety on another person. 3. Open:  Direct: Break free from “Triangling”. Stop talking about the person to someone else. Stop venting and dumping anxiety on another person. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

31. 3 Key Components 3. Open:  Direct: Go directly to the person. Talk to and with each other about any and all issues. Don’t make assumptions. 3. Open:  Direct: Go directly to the person. Talk to and with each other about any and all issues. Don’t make assumptions. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934

32. 3 Key Components 3. Open:  Mutuality:  Neither speaks for the other. listen  Both individuals listen as much as they talk. “It is as difficult to be a good listener as it is to be a clear, direct, non- reactive speaker.”  Neither person takes responsibility for the emotions of the other. 3. Open:  Mutuality:  Neither speaks for the other. listen  Both individuals listen as much as they talk. “It is as difficult to be a good listener as it is to be a clear, direct, non- reactive speaker.”  Neither person takes responsibility for the emotions of the other. Ken Shuman D. Min. 713-569-1934