1. Friendship and Love Relationships Chapter 8: Human Adjustment John W. Santrock McGraw-Hill © 2006 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.

2. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-2 Chapter Outline Forming Relationships: Attraction Friendship Love The Dark Side of Close Relationships

3. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-3 Learning Goals 1. Discuss the factors involved in attraction 2. Describe friendship 3. Characterize the types of love and other factors involved in love 4. Explain the dark side of close relationships

4. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-4 FORMING RELATIONSHIPS: ATTRACTION Familiarity and Similarity Physical Attractiveness Personality Traits

5. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-5 Familiarity and Similarity  Familiarity is necessary for a close relationship to develop – Moreland and Beach (1992) found students said they liked women who attended class more often, even though the targets didn’t interact with anyone

6. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-6 Familiarity and Similarity  Similarity is also important and the people we like are usually similar to us. – Consensual validation - our own attitudes and behavior are supported when someone else’s attitudes and behavior are similar to ours

7. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-7 Physical Attractiveness  When seeking an intimate partner, heterosexual women rate as important in men: – Considerateness – Honesty – Dependability – Kindness – Understanding

8. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-8 Physical Attractiveness  Heterosexual men rate as important in women: – good looks – cooking skills – frugality

9. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-9 Physical Attractiveness  Buss (1988) found that: – men use tactics that involve resource possession and display (brag about cars and money, display strength) – women use tactics that alter their appearance (wear make- up, keep well-groomed, wear stylish clothes, wear jewelry)

10. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-10 Physical Attractiveness Matching hypothesis = although people may prefer a more attractive person in the abstract, in the real world, they end up choosing someone close to their own level of attractiveness

11. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-11 Personality Traits  Anderson (1968) found we are attracted to people with personality traits such as being: – sincere – honest – understanding – loyal – truthful – trustworthy – intelligent – dependable

12. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-12 Review - Learning Goal 1 – What roles do familiarity and similarity play in attraction? – What is the link between physical attractiveness and attraction? – How are personality traits related to attraction?

13. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-13 FRIENDSHIP The Benefits of Friendship Gender and Friendship

14. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-14 The Benefits of Friendship  Benefits of friendship include: – can reduce loneliness – be source of self-esteem – provide emotional support Friendships = close relationships that involve intimacy, trust, acceptance, mutual liking, and understanding

15. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-15 Gender and Friendship  In friendships between women, women – have close friends – are likely to listen and be sympathetic – share their thoughts and feelings  In friendships between men, men are more likely to engage in activities and show more competition  In friendships between women and men, problems arise because of different expectations

16. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-16 Adjustment Strategies for Getting and Keeping Friends 1. Be nice, kind, and considerate 2. Be honest and trustworthy 3. Respect others 4. Provide emotional support

17. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-17 LOVE What is love? Attachment Gender and Love Falling Out of Love

18. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-18 What Is Love?  Liking involves – Similarity – positive evaluation of another person  Loving involves: – being close to someone – dependency – a self-less orientation – absorption and exclusiveness

19. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-19 Romantic Love Romantic love (passionate love) = type of love that has strong components of sexuality and infatuation, and often predominates in the early part of a love relationship

20. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-20 Romantic Love  Romantic love includes intermingling of emotions: – fear – anger – sexual desire – joy – jealousy

21. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-21 Affectionate Love  In a love relationship, the early stage of romantic love grows into affection Affectionate love (companionate love) = type of love that occurs when individuals desire to have the other person near and have a deep, caring affection for the person

22. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-22 Affectionate Love  Affectionate love includes: – secure attachment – familiarity – a deeply caring relationship

23. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-23 Consummate Love  Consummate love - in Robert Sternberg’s view, the strongest form of love that consists of: – passion (sexual attraction) – intimacy (emotional feeling of closeness) – commitment (cognitive appraisal of relationship)

24. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-24 Consummate Love  Sternberg argues passion, intimacy, and commitment can combine to form various patterns of love: – infatuation – affectionate love – fatuous love – consummate love

25. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-25 Figure 8.4 Sternberg’s Triangle of Love

26. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-26 Attachment  Quality of romantic relationship is linked with quality of our attachment (emotional bond) to caregivers such as our parents during infancy and childhood – Romantic partners give us secure base to return to and obtain comfort from in stressful times – We learn an attachment style as infants and use it as a model for adult relationships

27. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-27 Attachment Styles  Mary Ainsworth (1979) identified three attachment styles between infants and caregiver: – Secure attachment style (70%) - caregiver is responsive to infant’s needs; infant trusts caregiver – Avoidant attachment style (20%) - caregiver is distant or rejecting; infant suppresses desire to be close to caregiver – Ambivalent attachment style (10%) - caregiver is inconsistently available and overbearing with affection; infant clings anxiously to caregiver and then fights against closeness by pushing away

28. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-28 Links Between Attachment in Childhood and Close Relationships in Adulthood  Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver (1987) examined continuity between childhood attachment and romantic relationships – Securely attached infants are more likely to have a secure attachment to adult romantic partner – Individuals with avoidant attachment style in childhood find it difficult to develop intimate relationship in adulthood  Individuals can revise attachment styles in adulthood

29. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-29 Gender and Love  Men conceptualize love more in terms of passion  Women think of love more in terms of friendship  Women are more expressive and affectionate than men in marriage  Women disclose more to romantic partners

30. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-30 Falling Out of Love  Falling out of love may be wise if you are: – obsessed with a person who betrays your trust – involved with someone who is draining you emotionally or financially – desperately in love with someone who does not return feelings

31. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-31 THE DARK SIDE OF CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS Anger Jealousy Spouse and Partner Abuse Dependence Loneliness

32. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-32 Anger  Driscoll (2002) identifies three cyclic patterns of anger in close relationships: – Anger justifies itself - you make arguments to justify your anger and then use these arguments to fuel further anger – Passivity and outburst - your resentment builds as a result of failure to confront problems and then anger bursts out – Catharsis (perceived injustice) your partner’s anger makes you angry, which makes your partner angry all over again

33. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-33 Anger  Carol Tavris (1989) provides suggestions to break cycle of anger: – Stop thinking you will rescue your partner – Assume responsibility for your emotions and actions – Civility is important

34. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-34 Jealousy  Jealousy emerges when there is a challenge to the relationship – Men tend to show sexual jealousy – Women are upset at emotional infidelity Jealousy = fear of perceived possibility of losing someone else’s exclusive love

35. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-35 Jealousy  Jealous individuals tend to idealize their partner and underestimate their own worth  Overcoming jealousy involves reducing feelings of insecurity and thinking more rationally about the relationship

36. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-36 Spouse and Partner Abuse  Anger and jealousy can lead to spouse or partner abuse  Spouse/partner abuse affects one in four couples

37. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-37 Spouse and Partner Abuse  Walker (2000) described a three-phase cycle of domestic violence: 1. tension building 2. acute battering incident 3. loving-contrition

38. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-38 Spouse and Partner Abuse  Obstacles to change in batterers: – they minimize and deny amount of violence – they are dependent on spouse as source of intimacy and support – they have low self-esteem – they were socialized with violence

39. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-39 Dependence  An excessively dependent person is perceived as a burden by the partner – The partner feels resentment and hostility  Excessively dependent people have low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity

40. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-40 Adjustment Strategies for Overcoming Excessive Dependence 1. Admit the problem exists 2. Explore the reasons for such neediness 3. Initiate strategies that lead to increased independence

41. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-41 Loneliness  People who do not interact with others in close relationships may feel lonely  Chronic loneliness is linked with impaired physical and mental health  Men blame themselves for being lonely  Women blame external factors for their loneliness

42. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-42 Loneliness and Life’s Transitions  Loneliness can occur with life transitions, such as: – moving – divorce – death of friend or family member – first year of college  At the beginning of college life, 75% said they felt lonely at least part of the time

43. McGraw-Hill ©2006 by the McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved. 8-43 Loneliness and Technology  Technology might be contributing to loneliness – link between television-viewing and loneliness – Internet may increase social disengagement  For some, the Internet may help overcome loneliness