1. Friendship and Love Relationships
Human Adjustment John W. Santrock
Chapter 8:
Friendship and Love Relationships
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2. Chapter Outline Forming Relationships: Attraction Friendship Love
The Dark Side of Close Relationships
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3. Learning Goals 1. Discuss the factors involved in attraction
2. Describe friendship
3. Characterize the types of love and other factors involved in love
4. Explain the dark side of close relationships
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4. FORMING RELATIONSHIPS: ATTRACTION
Familiarity and Similarity
Physical Attractiveness
Personality Traits
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5. Familiarity and Similarity
Familiarity is necessary for a close relationship to develop
Moreland and Beach (1992) found students said they liked women who attended class more often, even though the targets didn’t interact with anyone
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6. Familiarity and Similarity
Similarity is also important and the people we like are usually similar to us.
Consensual validation - our own attitudes and behavior are supported when someone else’s attitudes and behavior are similar to ours
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7. Physical Attractiveness
When seeking an intimate partner, heterosexual women rate as important in men:
Considerateness
Honesty
Dependability
Kindness
Understanding
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8. Physical Attractiveness
Heterosexual men rate as important in women:
good looks
cooking skills
frugality
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9. Physical Attractiveness
Buss (1988) found that:
men use tactics that involve resource possession and display (brag about cars and money, display strength)
women use tactics that alter their appearance (wear make-up, keep well-groomed, wear stylish clothes, wear jewelry)
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10. Physical Attractiveness
Matching hypothesis = although people may prefer a more attractive person in the abstract, in the real world, they end up choosing someone close to their own level of attractiveness
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11. Personality Traits
Anderson (1968) found we are attracted to people with personality traits such as being:
sincere
honest
understanding
loyal
truthful
trustworthy
intelligent
dependable
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12. Review - Learning Goal 1
What roles do familiarity and similarity play in attraction?
What is the link between physical attractiveness and attraction?
How are personality traits related to attraction?
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13. FRIENDSHIP The Benefits of Friendship Gender and Friendship
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14. The Benefits of Friendship
Benefits of friendship include:
can reduce loneliness
be source of self-esteem
provide emotional support
Friendships = close relationships that involve intimacy, trust, acceptance, mutual liking, and understanding
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15. Gender and Friendship In friendships between women, women
have close friends
are likely to listen and be sympathetic
share their thoughts and feelings
In friendships between men, men are more likely to engage in activities and show more competition
In friendships between women and men, problems arise because of different expectations
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16. Adjustment Strategies for Getting and Keeping Friends
1. Be nice, kind, and considerate
2. Be honest and trustworthy
3. Respect others
4. Provide emotional support
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17. Review - Learning Goal 2
What is friendship? What are the benefits of friendship?
What role does gender play in friendship?
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18. LOVE What is love? Attachment Gender and Love Falling Out of Love
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19. What Is Love? Liking involves Loving involves: Similarity
positive evaluation of another person
Loving involves:
being close to someone
dependency
a self-less orientation
absorption and exclusiveness
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20. Romantic Love
Romantic love (passionate love) = type of love that has strong components of sexuality and infatuation, and often predominates in the early part of a love relationship
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21. Romantic Love Romantic love includes intermingling of emotions: fear
anger
sexual desire
joy
jealousy
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22. Affectionate Love
In a love relationship, the early stage of romantic love grows into affection
Affectionate love (companionate love) = type of love that occurs when individuals desire to have the other person near and have a deep, caring affection for the person
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23. Affectionate Love Affectionate love includes: secure attachment
familiarity
a deeply caring relationship
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24. Consummate Love
Consummate love - in Robert Sternberg’s view, the strongest form of love that consists of:
passion (sexual attraction)
intimacy (emotional feeling of closeness)
commitment (cognitive appraisal of relationship)
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25. Consummate Love
Sternberg argues passion, intimacy, and commitment can combine to form various patterns of love:
infatuation
affectionate love
fatuous love
consummate love
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26. Figure 8.4 Sternberg’s Triangle of Love
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27. Attachment
Quality of romantic relationship is linked with quality of our attachment (emotional bond) to caregivers such as our parents during infancy and childhood
Romantic partners give us secure base to return to and obtain comfort from in stressful times
We learn an attachment style as infants and use it as a model for adult relationships
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28. Attachment Styles
Mary Ainsworth (1979) identified three attachment styles between infants and caregiver:
Secure attachment style (70%) - caregiver is responsive to infant’s needs; infant trusts caregiver
Avoidant attachment style (20%) - caregiver is distant or rejecting; infant suppresses desire to be close to caregiver
Ambivalent attachment style (10%) - caregiver is inconsistently available and overbearing with affection; infant clings anxiously to caregiver and then fights against closeness by pushing away
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29. Links Between Attachment in Childhood and Close Relationships in Adulthood
Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver (1987) examined continuity between childhood attachment and romantic relationships
Securely attached infants are more likely to have a secure attachment to adult romantic partner
Individuals with avoidant attachment style in childhood find it difficult to develop intimate relationship in adulthood
Individuals can revise attachment styles in adulthood
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30. Gender and Love Men conceptualize love more in terms of passion
Women think of love more in terms of friendship
Women are more expressive and affectionate than men in marriage
Women disclose more to romantic partners
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31. Falling Out of Love Falling out of love may be wise if you are:
obsessed with a person who betrays your trust
involved with someone who is draining you emotionally or financially
desperately in love with someone who does not return feelings
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32. Adjustment Strategies for Breaking the Bonds of Love
1. Identify feelings that make it hard to end the relationship
2. Develop a stronger sense of self-esteem and independence
3. Recognize self-defeating thoughts that prevent us from taking effective actions to leave the relationship
4. Fall in love with someone else when you are emotionally ready
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33. Review - Learning Goal 3 What forms does love take?
Does our attachment to our parents in childhood shape our relationships as adults?
How is gender linked to love?
What factors are involved in falling out of love?
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34. THE DARK SIDE OF CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS
Anger
Jealousy
Spouse and Partner Abuse
Dependence
Loneliness
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35. Anger
Driscoll (2002) identifies three cyclic patterns of anger in close relationships:
Anger justifies itself - you make arguments to justify your anger and then use these arguments to fuel further anger
Passivity and outburst - your resentment builds as a result of failure to confront problems and then anger bursts out
Catharsis (perceived injustice) your partner’s anger makes you angry, which makes your partner angry all over again
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36. Anger
Carol Tavris (1989) provides suggestions to break cycle of anger:
Stop thinking you will rescue your partner
Assume responsibility for your emotions and actions
Civility is important
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37. Jealousy
Jealousy emerges when there is a challenge to the relationship
Men tend to show sexual jealousy
Women are upset at emotional infidelity
Jealousy = fear of perceived possibility of losing someone else’s exclusive love
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38. Jealousy
Jealous individuals tend to idealize their partner and underestimate their own worth
Overcoming jealousy involves reducing feelings of insecurity and thinking more rationally about the relationship
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39. Spouse and Partner Abuse
Anger and jealousy can lead to spouse or partner abuse
Spouse/partner abuse affects one in four couples
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40. Spouse and Partner Abuse
Walker (2000) described a three-phase cycle of domestic violence:
1. tension building
2. acute battering incident
3. loving-contrition
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41. Spouse and Partner Abuse
Obstacles to change in batterers:
they minimize and deny amount of violence
they are dependent on spouse as source of intimacy and support
they have low self-esteem
they were socialized with violence
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42. Dependence
An excessively dependent person is perceived as a burden by the partner
The partner feels resentment and hostility
Excessively dependent people have low self-esteem and feelings of insecurity
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43. Adjustment Strategies for Overcoming Excessive Dependence
1. Admit the problem exists
2. Explore the reasons for such neediness
3. Initiate strategies that lead to increased independence
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44. Loneliness
People who do not interact with others in close relationships may feel lonely
Chronic loneliness is linked with impaired physical and mental health
Men blame themselves for being lonely
Women blame external factors for their loneliness
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45. Loneliness and Life’s Transitions
Loneliness can occur with life transitions, such as:
moving
divorce
death of friend or family member
first year of college
At the beginning of college life, 75%
said they felt lonely at least part
of the time
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46. Loneliness and Technology
Technology might be contributing to loneliness
link between television-viewing and loneliness
Internet may increase social disengagement
For some, the Internet may help overcome loneliness
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47. Adjustment Strategies for Reducing Loneliness
1. Participate in activities you can do with others
2. Be aware of early warning signs of loneliness
3. Draw a diagram of your social network
4. Engage in positive behaviors when you meet new people
5. See a counselor or read a book on loneliness
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48. Review - Learning Goal 4
What are some characteristics of anger in close relationships?
What are the sources of jealousy?
What is the nature of spouse and partner abuse?
What characterizes overdependence in a close relationship?
What factors are involved in loneliness?
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