1. Chapter 7 Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

2. What Is Love? Difficult to define and/or measure
Special attitude with behavioral and emotional components
Different things to different people
Difficult to measure

3. Types of Love Passionate Love
Also known as romantic love or infatuation
Intense psychological feelings
Generalized physiological arousal
Strong sexual desire
Avoid conflict
Feelings of completeness
Short-lived

4. Types of Love Companionate Love Less intense than passionate love
Friendly affection and deep attachment
Familiarity and tolerance for short-comings
More enduring than passionate love

5. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Caption: In Sternberg’s love triangle, various combinations of three components of love (passion, intimacy, and commitment) make up the different kinds of love. Note that nonlove is the absence of all three components

6. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment are the three love components
Passion builds then fades
Intimacy and commitment continue to build
Variations in components yield different kinds of love
Intimacy alone = friendship
Passion alone = infatuation
Commitment alone = empty love

7. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Caption: Sternberg theorizes that the passion component of love peaks early in the relationship and then declines, whereas the other two components, intimacy and commitment, continue to build gradually over time.

8. Lee’s Styles of Loving Romantic (eros) Game-playing (ludus)
Possessive (mania)
Compassionate (storge)
Altruistic (agape)
Pragmatic (pragma)
Hypothesis that relationship success is influenced by compatibility in styles of loving

9. Falling in Love The chemistry of love Neurotransmitters Endorphins
Norepinephrine
Dopamine
Phenylethylamine (PEA)
Oxytocin
Endorphins
Loss of romantic love and neurotransmitter withdrawal

10. Falling in Love Proximity
Mere exposure effect
Familiarity breeds liking or loving
Greater proximity often reflects shared interests

11. Falling in Love Similarity
Level of physical attractiveness
Age, educational status, and religion
Race and ethnicity
Why Similarity?
Share similar interests and activities
Communicate better
Confirm own views and experiences
Supportive of values and beliefs

12. Role of Similarity in Relationships
Caption: Percentage of couples in various types of relationships that are homophilous for age, educational status, and religion

13. Falling in Love Reciprocity
When someone shows they like us, we tend to like them back
Increases in self-esteem
Increases likelihood of relationship enduring

14. Falling in Love Physical Attractiveness
Belief that “what’s beautiful is good”
Offer status by association
Most important in early stages
May be an indicator of physical health
Heterosexual males place greater emphasis on physical attractiveness

15. Attachment Attachment: Intense emotional tie between two individuals
Adult attachments are influenced by our attachment to caregiver in infancy
Attachment Style (Ainsworth)
Secure attachment
Insecure attachment
Anxious-ambivalent attachment
Avoidant attachment

16. Attachment Attachment styles in adulthood
Paired couples often are similar in their attachment styles
Attachment style affects interaction in relationship

17. Attachment Styles and Relationships
Caption: Impact of attachment styles on intimate relationships.

18. Issues in Loving Relationships
Relationship between love and sex
Relationship between the two is not always clear
Consider “hook-ups” and “friends with benefits”
Questions to ask:
Does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship?
Do men and women have different views of sex and love?

19. Sexual Orientation Attitudes About Love and Sex
Stereotype same-sex relationships as primarily sexual
Generally seek loving, trusting, and caring relationships that embrace many dimensions of sharing
Sex differences among lesbians and gay men are consistent with general sex difference in attitudes toward love and sex
Gay men are more likely than lesbians to separate love from sex
Lesbians more likely to postpone sex until intimacy has been established

20. Jealousy in Relationships
Jealousy-prone person
Low self-esteem
High value on wealth and popularity
Negative consequences
Precipitates partner violence
Stifles relationship development
Raises anxiety, depression, and anger
Sex differences
Women more likely to acknowledge feelings of jealousy
Men tend to focus more on sexual involvement with another

21. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
Ingredients in a lasting love relationship
Self-acceptance
Appreciation of each other’s qualities
Commitment
Good communication, realistic expectations, and shared interests
Ability to face and deal with conflict

22. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
Characteristics of high quality relationships
Supportive communication
Companionship
Sexual expression and variety
Seeing partner as best friend
Maintaining frequent positive interaction

23. Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction
Sexual Variety
Communication is critical
Be spontaneous
Plan for intimate time
Don’t worry about frequency “standards”

24. Discovering Partner’s Needs
Ask questions
Yes/No questions
Open-ended questions
Either/Or questions
Self-disclosure
Discuss sexual preferences
Give permission
Learn to make requests

25. Taking Responsibility
Make requests specific
Use “I” language
Expressing and receiving complaints
Choose right time and place
Temper complaints with praise
Avoid “why” questions
Limit to one complaint per discussion
Ask clarifying questions
Express your feelings
Focus on future changes

26. Talking: Getting Started
Reading and discussing
Sharing sexual histories
Listening and feedback
Active listening
Providing feedback
Maintaining eye contact
Support communication efforts

27. Saying No Three step approach Show appreciation for invitation
Say no in a clear, unequivocal fashion
Offer alternatives

28. Non-Verbal Sexual Communication
Facial expressions
Interpersonal distance
Touching
Sounds

29. Communication Patterns in Relationships
Gottman’s constructive communication tactics
Leveling and editing
Validating
Volatile dialogue
Gottman’s destructive communication tactics
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Belligerence