Effective Discipline A Healthy Approach . Effective Discipline A Healthy Approach

When you think of disciplining What do you think of ? “Will you guys stop it?” “I’m about to lose my mind!!!!!”

Do you think of ?

Discipline Discipline is the use of methods to teach children behavior guidelines. Teaching these guidelines should begin as the child begins to move around.

We Will Discuss: Discipline and appropriate limits. Styles of parenting and individual parenting style. Effective discipline techniques. Read and comment on objectives.

Positive Discipline: is guiding and teaching; is done with a child; requires understanding, time, and patience; teaches problem solving and builds a positive self-image; develops long-term self-control and cooperation.

Punishment: is control by fear, power, and coercion; is done to the child; elicits anger, guilt, resentment, and deceit; impairs communication and wholesome parent-child relationships; stops undesired behavior in the specific situation temporarily, but behavior often is exhibited in other ways.

Discipline Teaches Self-control Limits Behavior patterns that are acceptable to society. It should involve respect, support and encouragement as well as communication of limits or boundaries.

Effective Discipline Teaches Promotes growth Enhances self concept What to do Problem-solving Appropriate interactions Self-discipline Promotes growth Enhances self concept Helps children internalize Teaches children what to do, not just what not to do Teaches children how to problem-solve to get their needs met Teaches children how to interact appropriately with adults and others Promotes growth in the five areas of development (physical, intellectual, social, emotional and moral) Enhances self concept Helps children internalize all of the above and allows them to become self disciplined

Effective discipline should be based on: Love and Understanding

Why do Kids Misbehave? Many of us give our children everything we feel they need so why do some of them misbehave?

Reasons Children Misbehave Attention Power Revenge Inadequacy According to some child development experts, children usually misbehave for one of four basic reasons: attention, power, revenge, or inadequacy. (Refer to the handout "Appropriate Limits for Young Children: a guide for discipline, part one FCS-455) Attention - When children believe they "belong" only when they are noticed. They feel important when they are commanding total attention. Parents can respond by giving positive attention at other times, ignoring inappropriate behavior, setting up routines, encouraging, redirecting, or setting up special times. Power - When children believe they "belong" only when they are in control or are proving that no one can "boss them around." Parents can respond with kind-but firm respect, giving limited choices, setting reasonable limits, encouraging, and redirecting the child to a more acceptable activity. When children test their limits and use a public display to assert themselves, parents can continue to stick to the basic rules letting them know their behavior is unacceptable. Leave the situation if possible (store or home in which you are a guest). Talk when things are calmer at a later time. Revenge - When children believe they "belong" only by hurting others, since they feel hurt themselves. Sometimes the reason for misbehavior is not clear. When there is a new pattern of acting out, children and parents should talk about how they are feeling. Parents can respond by avoiding harsh punishment and criticism, building trust, listening, reflecting feelings, practicing sharing of feelings, encouraging strengths and acting with care. Inadequacy - When children believe they "belong" only when they convince others not to expect anything of them since they are helpless or unable. Parents can respond by encouraging their children to try things, focusing on the child's strengths, not criticizing or giving in to pity, offering opportunities for success and teaching skills in small steps. Other reasons: Boredom, Curiosity, Seeing or Hearing Impairments, Family Crisis, Sensitive to foods or other things in the environment, learned family behavior, hunger, tiredness, illness, frequent over-reacting by adults, too many no’s

What can we do? Develop consequences- be consistent! Make children accountable for their behavior. Provide boundaries. Take swift action and do not waiver. Reject the behavior but love the child. Nurturing does not mean enabling, so resist the urge to “fix” everything. All behaviors serve a purpose. It could be for positive attention or negative attention.

Types of Punishment Inflicting pain Imposing suffering Enforcing unrelated penalties Personal or emotional attacks Inflicting pain - spanking, slapping, or hitting Imposing suffering Enforcing penalties that are not related to the unacceptable behavior Personal or emotional attacks - name-calling, ridicule, and insults

Why Punish ? The misbehavior often stops immediately Children often show remorse during punishment The parent gets to blow off steam The parent feels in control The parent hasn't let the children "get away with it" The parent was raised that way Read and comment on slide.

Activity- Behavior-Response-Perception Behavior- Child “forgets” to do his chores and goes off to play with his friends (negative) Parent Response- UNHEALTHY- “You are so irresponsible!” Child’s Perception of Self- “I am bad” Behavior- Child “forgets” to do his chores and goes off to play with his friends (negative). Parent Response- HEALTHY- “You won’t be going to the scout meeting tonight because you have to stay home and do the chores you didn’t do this afternoon.” Child’s Perception of Self- “If I don’t do them, I will have to pay the price. She is giving me the choice.”

Types of Parent/Authority Figures Authoritarian-Make all decisions for the child. Permissive-Is a slave to the child Authoritative-Give the child choices and formulates guidelines with him or her In order to have the maximum positive influence in your child’s life, you will want to apply reality discipline in a variety of ways. Being an appropriate authority figure is one of those ways and is crucial to leading children to learn and grow into mature, well-balanced adults. Which are you?

Authoritarian “You will do what I tell you to do no matter what.” Authoritarians run the home with an iron fist: grants little freedom to the child. You may believe that your decisions are best, but chances are good that your children are going to disagree with you, and they may eventually rebel. “You will do what I tell you to do no matter what.”

Permissive Permissive parents represent a weak authority figure who will eventually disable children instead of enable them. They invite rebellion with inconsistent parenting. The end results are aggressive children that rebel because of a lack of boundaries. “ Oh you don’t feel like cleaning your room today? Okay, you can clean it tomorrow.”

Authoritative Authoritative parenting offers children a secure and affirming childhood. Authoritative parents convey respect, self-worth, and love to the child and therefore enhances the child’s self-esteem. “You guys can go to the movies, but you need to be home by 11 o’clock. If you are not home by 11 o’clock there will be consequences. Do you understand?”

Building Relationships with Adolescents Have home games Let teenagers see your mistakes. Don’t snowplow the roads of life for teenagers. Listen to your teenagers when they are ready to talk. Don’t bully teenagers into submission. Expect the best of them. Love and respect your mate and other adults. One of the greatest challenges for those of us in positions of authority is that we must build relationships with the children in our lives. Have home games-Take the time to get to know your children’s friends---not by putting them under a magnifying glass-but by simply finding out what they are like. Make your home a place where children want to be. 2. Let teenagers see your mistakes-Always try to set a proper example, but be willing to admit that you are human-in word and deed. Since teens already know that you make mistakes, you will raise your esteem in their eyes if you admit it to them. 3. Don’t snowplow the roads of life for teenagers-Every bump and pothole in the road smoothed out for them are simply going to be unprepared to deal with the realities of the real world. Reality discipline is loving, but firm. Allow your teenagers to accept the consequences for what they do. 4. Listen to your teenagers when they are ready to talk-Getting to know someone beyond the surface of their lives is one of the most crucial factors in building a relationship and becoming friends. 5. Don’t bully teenagers into submission-Discipline does not mean browbeating or bullying. Reality discipline demands that an authority figure be in control of his or her emotions when dealing with a problem. 6. Expect the best of them-Even though teenagers will make mistakes and fall short of their potential at times, you should expect the best from them and encourage success by setting positive expectations. 7. Love and respect your mate and other adults-Children can observe if one authority figure cares for and respects another.

Rewards Reward the good behavior – don’t only notice the negative behavior. Be immediate and direct with discipline and rewards – hugs are free!

DO: Set good examples and be the role model. Discipline on the spot-the child may forget why he/she is being punished. Use timeout-remove the child from the misbehavior- this should give them time to think about the misbehavior. Take away privileges to promote desired behavior-especially with older children. Discipline the behavior-not the child! Consider the child’s age and ability. Exploration is common for toddlers. Match the consequence with the crime (misbehavior).

DON’T: Rely on physical punishment-use it sparingly! Make threats you cannot keep – older children. Do not yell – talk to the child and explain why he or she should or should not do certain things. Parents should be in agreement about discipline or not be in disagreement in front of the child.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words Be sure that children feel loved—even if you do not “like” them much at the moment. Respect is a two-way street. Allow children to make appropriate choices and decisions. Be brave enough to discipline and “pull the rug out!” Be sure that children feel loved –even if you do not “like” them much at the moment. While you should certainly tell you children that you care about them, there are also many ways for you to show your children that you care about them. Listen to what they have to say and make an effort to have quality discussion with them on subjects they are interested in and want to talk about. Look them in the eyes so they know you are giving them your full attention, but don’t visually bore holes in them. Children find this threatening and eventually want to avoid this kind of scrutiny. Have fun with them and make sure they know that you enjoy their company. Show them your love and acceptance and let them know that you think they are special, valuable and fun to be around. Respect is a two-way street. You have to earn it just like children do. In reality, no adult should think that respect comes automatically simply by virtue of being in a position of authority. Authoritarian types in particular are in danger of falling into the trap of being “super authorities” who believe that whatever they say goes. Allow children to have some say and give some input into what is going on in their lives, and they will begin to feel that you respect them and care about what is important to them. Ask for their opinions; get their input as to how they would solve a problem; solicit their thoughts and ideas; answer their questions with questions that draw them out and force them to make decisions on their own; collaborate with them on a course of action. But never, never, never, put them down, insult them or degrade them when offer a response that you have asked for. You’ll pay dearly down the long run. Allow children to make appropriate choices and decisions. Obviously, don’t ask your third-grader if he wants to take Dad’s Harley out for a spin after dinner! Getting to know children and learning their strengths and capabilities are key factors in knowing what choices are appropriate for them. Choices are not simply open-ended options from which a child can make any number of imaginable choices, but situations in which a child can choose from a limited number of options.

Set limits with rules Effective Techniques Rules are necessary to protect a child from danger and set examples of acceptable behavior. Everyone is more confident and comfortable knowing how to act in a new situation.

Be Consistent! Discipline the same way every time that behavior occurs. Be Fair! It may vary from one child to another. Be Firm! Stick to your rules.

Be REAL!!!!! RESPECT - Respect them for the person that they are. They are little humans. ENCOURAGE - Always encourage them and communicate your expectations. AFFIRM - Appreciate them for who they are. LOVE - Love them by holding them accountable for their actions. Children like for us to be real with them. If we are not, they will know it anyway. Dr. Leman goes further by discussing what the what REAL really means in developing relationships with children, especially teenagers.

Steps in Positive Discipline Ignore minor, irritating behavior Praise and reward positive behavior Be specific with praise Work with the child to set basic rules Decide together what consequences will result from breaking the rules Use consequences consistently and calmly when rules are broken Read and comment on slide.

Discipline Techniques Anticipate trouble Give gentle reminders early Offer choices Overlook small annoyances Read and comment on slide.

Discipline Techniques Fix-up Ignore Be Firm Stay in control Separation Behavior management Redirection Praise The type of discipline a parent uses influences the type of person a child becomes. What type of discipline do you use? What type of person do you want your child to become? Fix-up - When children cause trouble or hurt another child, expect them to fix it up - or at least try to help. If they break a toy, ask them to help you fix it. If they make a child cry, have them help with the soothing. If they throw toys around the room, ask them to put them away. Ignore - The best way to deal with misbehavior aimed at getting your attention is to simply ignore it. But be sure to give attention to your children when they behave well. Children need attention for good behavior, not misbehavior. Be Firm - Clearly and firmly state, or even demand, that the child do what needs to be done. Speak in a tone that lets your child know that you mean what you say and that you expect the child to do as he is told. Being firm doesn't mean yelling, nagging, threatening, reasoning, or taking away privileges. Keep suggestions to a minimum, and always speak kindly, even when speaking firmly. Stay in Control – but be balanced in it - Act before the situation gets out of control -- before you get angry and overly frustrated and before the child's behavior becomes unreasonable. Separation - When children irritate one another, fight, squabble, hit or kick, have them rest or play apart for a time. Being apart for a while lets each child calm down. Then you can use other ways to encourage better behavior. Behavior Management - Talk with children calmly to learn what caused a disagreement. Then talk about ways to deal with it. Come to a solution that's agreeable to both you and the children. This helps children learn to be responsible for their behavior. Redirection - When children get rowdy, stop them, explain why you are stopping them, and suggest another activity. When they knock over paint, give them a cloth and a pail of water to clean up the mess. When they race dangerously indoors, if possible, take them outside for a game of chase. When they throw books at each other, gather them for a story time or organize a beanbag toss. Praise - Give more attention and praise for good behavior and less for naughty behavior. Don't make punishment a reward. Let the child know that you appreciate a good attitude and cooperation. Children respond positively to genuine respect and praise.

“ A child that feels loved and respected by the adults in his or her life is much more likely to be able to give that love and respect to others in return.” We must be willing to do what is right for our children by making sure reality discipline is evident in their lives as well as our own. Everyone being accountable for their actions and doing what needs to be done so that we all can succeed in this mystery called life, growing, living and learning new things each day. If we do these things we will be able to make our children mind with losing ours.

The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed. Anonymous Take a moment to share with the parents at your table: how many children you have, their ages or something special about your children.