Sidestepping the Power Struggle The Background View

Parent Education Many programs focus on discipline – reward instead of punishment but are still about control and lack of attunement Some programs bring in communication which is better but often don’t touch on the parent’s emotions

Why teach parents? Parents can come to understand themselves (past and present) and their family of origin as they work to nurture their children Main and Goldwyn have suggested that the way adults can flexibly access information about childhood and reflect upon such information in a coherent manner determines their likelihood of raising securely attached children. Parents can learn about how to identify their emotions and control their behavior

Those who will not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. Parents can purposefully choose their behavior with their child’s emotional well- being in mind. Parents with dysfunctional upbringings just don't know what is healthy for children. Many parents (especially fathers) will make changes more easily when they take courses rather than being confronted with their inadequacies.

Parents can learn about and heal themselves as they learn about how to relate to their children.

Parents can learn to: understand kids' development and temperament, so that they can accept normal child behavior listen and be attuned to their kids' feelings and needs listen to their own feelings and needs reduce their emotional triggering and control their emotion-based responses

understand family interactions and consciously change them let go of control and become life coaches to their children respect both their children's and their own boundaries talk to kids with respect and kindness, and resolve conflicts help their kids develop healthy self-esteem understand the strengths and flaws of their own upbringing

Understanding Children's Capacities Many parents don't understand normal childhood and childishness. Parents who were expected to mop the floor and clean up their rooms at four don't understand the limitations of kids' abilities. Parents who weren't allowed independence as teens think their teens are "bad." Don't assume parents know child development or have realistic expectations.

Why Teach Development? Teaching about normal development and individual differences allows parents to loosen up and give themselves and their kids slack. Parents get triggered to fear and anger by behaviors they were punished for as children. Parents can recognize how they were mistreated when they learn what's normal.

Kids' Cognitive Limitations Parents expect too much from kids cognitively. Predictable problems occur. Parents' frustration leads to misattunement. Parents' frustration leads to abuse. Parents need permission to go easy on kids and have a sense of humor.

Importance of Teaching about Kids' Emotions Parents' embarrassment and helplessness can lead to rejection and punishment when kids most need support. Parents also "lose it" emotionally, so teaching about children's feelings helps parents learn to cope with their own feelings. This prepares parents to learn about their own emotional states. Parents were often called "selfish" when they expressed their own needs or were egocentric.

Letting Go of Control and Becoming a Life Coach to your Children Not: to raise "good," obedient children, who fit in to all society's expectations and don't express strong feelings or have personal opinions. To raise mature, responsible adults who have empathy-based values and can manage their lives. Parenting based on obedience undermines this goal.

New Goals for Parents Parents learned as children that adults are to control children. Controlling children brings resistance and power struggles. Parents learned as children that obedience is being "good." Parents learned to deny their own empathy in favor of control and obedience. Parental peer pressure and "expert" teaching maintain the status quo.

Use of Consequences Parents over-use consequences. Controlling parents undermine kids' responsibility. Substituting reward for punishment is still controlling. Reward for desired behavior implies punishment (lack of reward) for misbehavior. Consequences stress parents! Use artificial consequences only when natural ones won't work soon enough or are devastating. Time Out and Grounding are over-used.

Limits Should Reflect People's Boundaries Any rules and limits need to reflect family members' personal boundaries, not the parent's need for control. "You have up to the end of my nose." The Golden Rule is the basis for boundaries--treat others the way you want to be treated.

Respecting Boundaries Nagging, controlling, overprotection, and imposing too many consequences are all boundary violations. Parents need to respect children's boundaries of space, time, and decision- making. Needy and intrusive parents can learn from this section to respect children's boundaries.

Why Teach Communication? Parents do what they saw their own parents and teachers do--lecture, moralize, instruct, criticize. Parents think kids should "listen" (obey) and adults should instruct. Parents need permission to listen to kids. Parents need new ways of speaking to kids. Parent-child conflict can be resolved when parents learn to focus on the problem, not control.

Helping Kids Develop Healthy Self-Esteem Society pressures parents to have "good" (obedient) kids. Parents who had to be "good" kids are susceptible to peer pressure. Parents compete via kids' success. Parents who need to be right make their kids wrong. Parents need to reflect on their family of origin's conditions of worth.

Learning About and From Your Own History When parents understand their own history, they can become able to avoid repeating its negative features! Grieving is necessary. When parents have new ways of understanding children, they can help their "inner child" as well as their outer children. Parents need new skills and frameworks to replace the old ones they grew up with.