Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

What is Love? Difficult to define Special attitude with behavioral and emotional components Different things to different people Difficult to measure

Rubin’s Love Scale 13-item questionnaire 3 components of love Attachment Caring Intimacy

Types of Love: Passionate Love Also known as romantic love or infatuation Intense psychological feelings Generalized physiological arousal Strong sexual desire Avoid conflict Feelings of completeness Short-lived

Types of Love: Companionate Love Less intense than passionate love Friendly affection & deep attachment Familiarity & tolerance for short-comings More enduring than passionate love

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory In Sternberg’s love triangle, various combinations of three components of love (passion, intimacy, and commitment) make up the different kinds of love. Note that nonlove is the absence of all three components

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory Passion, Intimacy, & Commitment are the three love components Passion builds then fades Intimacy & Commitment continue to build Variations in components yield different kinds of love Intimacy alone = friendship Passion alone = infatuation Commitment alone = empty love

Compassionate (storge) Altruistic (agape) Pragmatic (pragma) Lee’s Styles of Loving Romantic (eros) Game-playing (ludus) Possessive (mania) Compassionate (storge) Altruistic (agape) Pragmatic (pragma)

Lee’s Styles of Loving PLAY VIDEO

Falling in Love The chemistry of love Neurotransmitters Norepinephrine Dopamine Phenylethylamine (PEA) Oxytocin Endorphins Loss of romantic love and neurotransmitter withdrawal

Falling in Love: Proximity Mere exposure effect Familiarity breeds predictability which leads to greater comfort Greater proximity often reflects shared interests

Falling in Love: Similarity Level of physical attractiveness Age, educational status, and religion Race and ethnicity Why Similarity? Share similar interests & activities Communicate better Confirm own views & experiences Supportive of values & beliefs

Role of Similarity in Relationships Percentage of couples in various types of relationships that are homophilous for age, educational status, and religion

Role of Similarity in Relationships Noncohabitational sexual partnerships by race and sex

Falling in Love: Reciprocity When someone shows they like us, we tend to like them back Increases in self-esteem Increases likelihood of relationship enduring

Falling in Love: Physical Attractiveness Belief that “What’s beautiful is good” Status by association Most important in early stages May be an indicator of physical health Heterosexual males place greater emphasis on physical attractiveness

Falling in Love: How willing are you. . .? How willing would you be to marry someone who. . .

Attachment Attachment: Intense emotional tie Adult attachments are influenced by our attachment to caregiver in infancy Attachment Style (Ainsworth) Secure attachment Insecure attachment Anxious-Ambivalent attachment

Attachment Attachment styles in Adulthood Paired couples often are similar in their attachment styles Attachment style affects interaction in relationship

Attachment Styles and Relationships Impact of attachment styles on intimate relationships.

Issues in Loving Relationships Relationship between love & sex Relationship between the two is not always clear Consider “hook-ups” and “friends with benefits” Questions to ask: Does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship? Do men and women have different views of sex & love?

Sexual Orientation and Attitudes about Love & Sex Many people stereotype same-sex relationships as primarily sexual However, lesbians and gay men generally seek loving, trusting, caring relationships that embrace many dimensions of sharing Sex differences among lesbians and gay men are consistent with general sex difference in attitudes toward love and sex Gay men are more likely than lesbians to separate love from sex Lesbians more likely to postpone sex until intimacy has been established

Jealousy in Relationships Jealousy-prone person Low self-esteem High value on wealth and popularity Negative consequences Precipitates partner violence Stifles relationship development Raises anxiety, depression, anger Sex differences

Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction Ingredients in a lasting love relationship Self-acceptance Appreciation of each other’s qualities Commitment Good communication, realistic expectations and shared interests Ability to face and deal with conflict

Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction Characteristics of high quality relationships Supportive communication Companionship Sexual expression and variety Seeing partner as best friend Maintaining frequent positive interaction

Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction Individual and relationship growth Growth and change maintain relationship Overcome obstacles View problems as challenges Negotiate and renegotiate wants Accept each other as unique

Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction Sexual Variety Communication is critical Be spontaneous Plan for intimate time Don’t worry about frequency “standards”