1. Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships
Chapter Eight
Love and Communication in Intimate Relationships

2. Love Exists in all cultures Exists in all ethnic groups
Exists in all orientations
Dual nature:
Feeling – Emotional Component
Activity – Action Component

3. Communication
Communication is the thread that connects sexuality and intimacy
The quality of the relationship affects the quality of the sex.
Partners who are satisfied with sexual communication tend to be satisfied with their relationship in general
Most of the time we do not think about the quality of our communication until it fails.

4. Friendship and Love
Friendship is a strong foundation for strong love relationships that include: mutual acceptance, trust, respect, confidentiality, understanding, and spontaneity.
Difference between friends and lovers: deeper levels of fascination, exclusivity, and sexual desire.
Love has a greater potential for distress, conflict, and mutual criticism.

5. Friendship and Love
Marriage still houses two separate individuals. Boundaries should be clarified and options should be shared
Success in marriage depends upon the ability of the partners to communicate concerns and on the maturity of the people involved in the marital relationship.

6. Love and Sexuality
Sexuality and love are intimately related in our culture
Our cultural language connects love and sex and love “legitimizes” sex outside of marriage.
Our sexual standards have become personal rather than institutional.
Many in sexual relationships use words associated with “love” to describe/explain sexual practice.
The use of “lovers”, “make love”, or “intimate” are often used instead of technical or slang terms to describe the sexual practice in the sexual relationship.

7. Love and Sexuality What factors lead to sexual intercourse?
Belief that sex will “grow” the relationship
Belief that sex will add “meaning” to the relationship
Sexual satisfaction is tied to relationship satisfaction, but appears to be more significant in men
Level of intimacy and relationship duration are correlated with the decision to engage in sexual activity
Partners who are less committed to the relationship are less likely to be sexually involved
Partners who “share the power” in a relationship are more likely to be involved in a sexual relationship than those in inequitable relationships.

8. Love and Sexuality
Cultural environment and physical environment play a role in the level of sexual activity
Opportunity for sex can be precluded in an environment that is not “private” (ex. Parents, friends, roommates, or children)
Opportunity for sex may either be enhanced or suppressed by the values of the culture.

9. Love and Sexuality Versus
How woman shows sexual interest to man (how the man “sees” it) = assertive, forceful, and even aggressive sexual behavior
Versus
How man shows sexual interest to woman (how the woman “sees” it) = behavior that inspires trust and confidence
Do we exhibit the behavior that we expect?

10. Sex Outside of Committed Relationships
Young adult sex outside of marriage is now the norm
Values in America have shifted to legitimize pre-marital or non-marital sex.
Change is due to:
Effective contraception and abortion
Redefined gender roles – legitimizing female sexuality
Alterations in demographics – people waiting longer to get married

11. Men, Women, Sex, and Love
Men separate “sex” and “love” more than women
However, the emotional quality of the relationship makes sexual experience “special”
Gay men may have more willing partners for casual sex than heterosexual men
Women, generally, value sex in the context of a relationship
Lesbians share sex less than heterosexual couples of gay men

12. Men, Women, Sex, and Love
Women, generally, value sex in the context of a relationship
Seek emotional relationships
May derive their self-worth from the quality of the relationship
Lesbians share sex less than heterosexual couples of gay men
Tend to postpone sexual involvement until they have developed emotional intimacy with their partner

13. Love Without Sex Celibacy
May be a choice
May be a circumstance (no partner)
May be short or long term
May be goal oriented (marriage)
Asexuality – little or no sexual attraction to either sex
Emphasis on friendship and other relationship qualities
May “free” up energy for personal growth or other kinds of relationships.

14. Styles of Love: John Lee see pg 226, text
Eros: love of beauty
Mania: obsessive love
Ludus: playful love
Storge( STOR-gay): companionate love
Agape: altruistic love
Pragma: practical love

15. Styles of Love: John Lee see pg 226, text
Lee hypothesizes that mutually satisfying relationships partners need to share the same style and definition of love
Recent research on styles: College women showed more erotic and pragmatic styles, whereas the men exhibited higher rates of Ludus attitudes

16. The Triangular Theory of Love
Theory developed by Robert Sternberg
Emphasizes the dynamic quality of love relationships in separate and combined forms

17. The Components of Love: Ten Signs of Intimacy
Wanting to promote your partner’s welfare
Feeling happiness with your partner
Holding your partner in high regard
Being able to count on your partner in time of need
Being able to understand each other

18. The Components of Love (cont.)
Sharing yourself and your possessions with your partner
Receiving emotional support from your partner
Giving emotional support to your partner
Being able to communicate with your partner about intimate things
Valuing partner’s presence in your life

19. Kinds of Love: Sternberg pg 228-229, text
Liking
Intimacy only
Infatuation
Passion only
Romantic Love
Intimacy and passion
Companionate Love
Intimacy and commitment
Fatuous Love
Passion and commitment
Consummate love
Intimacy, passion, and commitment
Empty love
Commitment only
Nonlove
Absence of all three

20. The Geometry of Love
The shape of the love triangle depends on the intensity of the love and the balance of the parts.
Intense relationships have larger areas
The balance determines the shape of the triangle
The greater the match between the triangles of the two partners, the more likely each will experience satisfaction in the relationship.

21. Attachment Theory (Romantic love similar to infant-caregiver attachment)
Bond depends on attachment object’s responsiveness
Infant happier in attachment object presence
Shares discoveries with attachment object. Coos, talks baby talk
Feeling of oneness with attachment object
Romantic love
Feelings are related to lover’s interest
Happier when lover is present
Shares experiences with lover
Lovers coo, talk baby talk
Feeling of oneness with lover

22. Components of Attachment
Attachment style endures across ones life
Depends upon security and safety – There is a need to feel secure – partner need respond to a need
Open acceptance and honesty

23. Types of Attachment Secure attachments Anxious/ambivalent attachment
Find it relatively easy to get close to other people
Anxious/ambivalent attachment
Believe that other people didn’t get as close as they themselves wanted
Avoidant attachments
Feel discomfort being close to other people
** In adulthood the attachment style developed in infancy combines with sexual desire and caring behaviors to give rise to romantic love

24. Unrequited Love Love is not returned Causes distress to all involved
Rejecters most distressed
Perspectives differ between the people who offer love and those who do not reciprocate
Rejecter see rejected as self-deceiving and unreasonable
Rejected see rejecter as inconsistent and mysterious

25. Jealousy
Jealousy does not prove the existence of love – proves only that the other person can be made jealous
Jealousy and love are not necessarily companions
Jealousy is painful – associated with anger, hurt and loss (or perceived)
Jealousy can destroy or cement a relationship (paradoxical)
Jealously is linked to violence – marital violence and rape are linked to jealousy

26. Jealousy
Aversive response to a real or imagined involvement with a third person
Painful experience
Absence may indicate relationship problems
Occurs where there are commitments in a relationship
Men and women differ in reported attempts to make their partner jealous

27. Managing Jealousy Jealousy can be unreasonable or realistic
Dealing with irrational suspicions can be difficult
Can work on underlying causes of our insecurity (Why are we jealous?)
If jealousy is well-founded, relationship may need to be modified or ended
Jealousy can be the catalyst for change

28. Extradyatic Involvement (EDI)
Sexual or romantic relationships outside of a “committed” relationship
EDI may be: 1) sexual but not emotional, 2) sexual and emotional, and 3) emotional but not sexual.
In Dating and Cohabitating relationships EDI more common, In exclusive marriage, EDI expected and can have legal implications.
Nonexclusive Marriages may be open for intimacy but not sex, open with sex allowed, group/multiple relationships

29. Making Love Last: From Passion to Intimacy
Intimate love: Each person knows they can count on the other
Commitment: Based on conscious choices rather than transitory feelings
Caring: Involves making another person’s needs as important as your own
Self-disclosure: Revealing ourselves—our hopes, our fears, our everyday thoughts to deepen understanding and intimacy
Working together these elements help to transform love.

30. The Nature of Communication
Communication: a transactional process
Involves conveying symbols, words, gestures, movements
Goal of establishing human contact, exchanging information, and reinforcing or changing attitudes and behaviors 3

31. Contexts of Communication
Cultural context
the language, values, beliefs, and customs in which communication takes place – this shapes our style of communication
Social context
the roles we play in society – status roles can define the style of communication in the relationship
Psychological context
how people communicate based on their personalities ( factors: self-esteem, self-efficacy)

32. Nonverbal Communication
The ability to correctly interpret nonverbal communication is important in relationships
Most of our “feeling” communication is nonverbal
3 important factors: (Like You vs. Dislike You)
Proximity: nearness in physical space
Eye contact: a symbol of interest
Touching: signals intimacy, closeness 5

33. Sexual Communication
Our interpersonal sexual scripts provide us with “instructions” on how to behave sexually
In beginning relationships (pg )
Halo effect
Interest and opening lines
First move and beyond
In some cases: establishing sexual orientation
Directing sexual activity 4

34. Sexual Communication (Cont.)
In established relationships
initiating sexual activity
For heterosexuals: men typically initiate more often
In established relationships. Women a may feel comfortable in overtly initiating sex.
In same-sex relationships: typically the more emotionally expressive partner initiates

35. Gender Differences in Partner Communication
Women send clearer messages to their partners than do men
Men more than women tend to send negative messages or withdraw, and tend to talk less about feelings and personal issues
Women tend to set the emotional tone of an argument – typically escalate or diminish argument
Women tend to use more qualifiers in their style of speaking, men use fewer words

36. Developing Communication Skills
Talking about sex
Keys to good communication (pg )
Self disclosure
Trust
Feedback 6

37. Conflict and Intimacy Conflict is natural in intimate relationships
Conflict is a process in which people perceive incompatible goals and interference from others in achieving their goals.
A lack of arguing can signal trouble in a relationship
Conflict isn’t dangerous; it’s the manner in which it is handled that can hurt or help relationship 7

38. Conflicts about Sex Fighting about sex
Can result from a disagreement about having sex
Can also be used as a “scapegoat” for nonsexual problems
Can be a cover-up for deeper feelings such as inadequacy
It’s hard to tell during a fight if there are deeper causes

39. Conflict Resolution
The way couples deal with conflict reflects and contributes to their happiness
Strategies for conflict resolution
Negotiating conflicts
Agreement as a gift, increases chances of reciprocation
Bargaining (win-win)
Coexistence (get along)

40. End of Lecture