Listening Chapter 8

Listening Relational Climate is the level to which we feel safe, supported and understood within a relationship. It is basically a description of the psychological comfort level. It varies along a continuum.

Listening A confirming relational climate: –Is positive and supportive. –We trust the other person. –We have learned to count on him/her to listen and understand us. –We expect him/her to confirm our thoughts and feelings.

Listening A disconfirming relational climate: –Is defensive. –Is characterized by negative judgments. –Is characterized by mistrust. –The other person imposes his or her judgment on us. –This person rejects our thoughts and feelings. –This person leaves us feeling wrong, misunderstood, or unworthy.

Listening Rarely, if ever is a relationship completely confirming. The climate of a relationship evolves over time and experience. In most confirming relationships we feel genuinely valued, accepted and respected. This feel contributes to our psychological health.

Listening Levels of Confirmation –Recognition notice a person; “silent” treatment (power play) –Acknowledgement acknowledge the person’s thoughts, feelings or actions vs. ignoring (not your feelings) –Endorsement accept the person’s thoughts or feelings as valid. Agree (Do we always want to do this?)

Listening Basic Elements –Hearing –Attending –Understanding –Responding

Listening Internal Barriers to Listening –Emotional noise Stress, anxiety, anger, or being in love –Cognitive distraction Compartmentalize – file it away temporarily Admit that you are distracted –Premature judgment We think we know what is coming We already have an opinion

Listening External Barriers to Listening –Noise Sensory adaptation Selective attention Related to introversion/extraversion –Information overload Mental fatigue Multiple messages –Message complexity

Counterfeit Listening Managing to look as if you are listening when you are not –Pseudo-listening “um-hum” Nodding the head –Defensive Listening Perceiving criticism when none is intended

Counterfeit Listening –Selective Listening “tuning” in and out; letting your attention wander –Stagehogging Frequent interruption with your own story May be one-upmanship

Authentic Listening Show genuine interest & sympathy Active listening – showing interest through verbal & non-verbal responses

Controversial Listening Styles Advising –Least helpful response –People like to solve their own problems –(I disagree.) Evaluating –Judging instead of being supportive

Controversial Listening Styles Evaluating –Judging instead of being supportive –Appropriate when you are in a position of authority –(Here your textbook implies that you should not express your opinions. I disagree once again.)

Helpful Listening Styles Analyzing – tentatively offering a different perspective. –“I wonder if... “ Questioning –using open-ended questions –“How do you feel about this?” –Not to satisfy your own curiosity.

Helpful Listening Styles Minimally Encouraging –Short “cheerleading” responses Supporting –Validate the speaker’s feelings

Helpful Listening Styles Paraphrasing –Reflective listening (reflects back to the speaker like a mirror) 3 components –1. How it sounds as if the speaker is feeling. –2. What you think the speaker might be thinking, but has not said. –3. Encourages the speaker to continue. “Is that right?”

Summary of Styles Advising Evaluating Analyzing Questioning Minimally encouraging Paraphrasing

Gender & Listening Men are sensitive to status & authority. They like to demonstrate competence. Women are concerned about harmony in relationships. They take a more empathetic approach to listening.

Gender & Listening Classic example: Woman is feeling frustrated at work and tells her husband. He quickly offers a “solution.” She gets angry. He gets his feelings hurt, feels rejected or “put down.” What happened?

Gender & Listening She wanted to know if he understood how she felt? She is smart, and can solve her own problems. She has not finished talking and he has “cut her off”. Some of his suggestions are irrelevant, because he did not wait to hear the whole story.

Gender & Listening He is frustrated. He was listening, just like she wanted him to. His solution has been rejected.

Application What are your goals? –Listening to give help or get information What are your limits? –How much time and interest do you have? Consider the speaker’s needs. –You can ask. Minimize distractions. Mentally summarize key ideas.