1. Listening

2. Why Do We Listen? To understand and retain information To evaluate the quality of messages To build and maintain relationships To help others

3. But it’s not as easy as we might think… Hearing problems Information overload Personal concerns Rapid thought Noise

4. Recognize anyone? The pseudolistener The stage hog The selective listener The embellisher (filling in the gaps) The insulated listener The defensive listener The ambusher

5. Listening Components: Hearing Attending Understanding Remembering Responding

6. Types of Listening Responses

7. Silent Listening “Staying attentive and nonverbally responsive without offering any verbal feedback.”

8. Silent Listening “Staying attentive and nonverbally responsive without offering any verbal feedback.” Attending Skills: The S.O.L.E.R. Method S… Square up and bodily face the person O… Open your posture and maintain it L… Lean forward as appropriate E… Eye contact R… Relax, smile and keep an open expression

9. Questioning “The listener asks the speaker for additional information” To clarify meanings To learn about others’ thoughts, feelings, and wants To encourage elaboration To encourage discovery To gather more facts and details To trap the speaker To make a statement To further a hidden agenda To seek “correct” answers To imply an unchecked assumption

10. A little more about Questioning… Open-Ended vs. Closed Questions Open-ended questions are more facilitative than closed-ended questions. Closed questions give you more definitive answers. The “Why” Question Questions beginning with “Why” can be problematic. They tend to put the other person on the defensive. They also put us in a one-up position, and the other person in a one-down position. “How” or “What” may be better alternatives.

11. Paraphrasing “Feedback that restates, in your own words, the message you thought the speaker sent.” Use your own words – Don’t be a parrot! Give specific examples to clarify abstract statements Look for the big picture/main idea, and reflect that back Some helpful beginnings: What I hear you saying… It sounds like… You’re feeling…

12. Why paraphrase? Allows you to see if your understanding is correct May draw out more information from the speaker ***Takes the heat out of intense discussions***

13. Empathizing “Conveys identification with a speaker’s perceptions and emotions” An empathetic attitude is more important than a specific response Involves putting yourself in the other persons’ shoes Responses are feeling-focused Responses can be in the form of questions, paraphrases, or just something small like “Oh, no!” “Really?” “Wow!” “Ouch!”

14. Supporting Agreement Praise Offers to HelpReassurance Diversion But be careful… Be sincere Evaluate how helpful a supportive response will be Focus on the present concern, rather than the future outcome “Reveals the listener’s solidarity with the speaker’s situation”

15. Analyzing “Offering an interpretation of the speaker’s message” “What’s really going on is…” “You’re just afraid of…” “Maybe it’s because…” Tips for making a helpful analyzing response: -- Leave yourself wiggle room – Keep it tentative -- Make sure it’s wanted -- Be honest with yourself about your motives

16. Advising “Offering suggestions about how the speaker should deal with a problem” One of our most common listening responses Can be very helpful when it is wanted Can be very annoying when it is not wanted It can be very helpful when it is relevant, timely, logical, and practical. Make sure it is wanted: “Do you want some advice?” Resist the temptation – Don’t give it if it’s not wanted

17. Evaluating “Appraising the sender’s thoughts or behaviors in some way” Again, make sure that the evaluation is wanted! Constructive criticism vs. Insults

18. Tips to Help You Stay in the Listening Mode 1)Concentrate on the content of what is being said. Don’t be turned-off by poor delivery. 2)Don’t enter into an argument or make a judgment. 3)Listen for concepts and main ideas. 4)Be flexible in how you summarize what the speaker is saying. 5)Show the speaker that you are interested, and be active in your listening behavior. 6)Overcome distractions 7)Listen with your mind. Thought is faster than speech.