Balancing life’s issues inc. Bullying Balancing life’s issues inc.

Objectives Statistics What is bullying? Myths How to know if your child is being bullied Family risks that increase bullying Is your child a bully? Cyber bullying

Statistics Nearly 75% of Americans consider bullying and harassment a serious problem in public schools One third of Americans were bullied themselves School violence decreases – bullying increases Children who are obese, gay or who have disabilities are 63% more likely to be bullied Boys are more likely to get bullied Boys and girls bullying is different Source: Public Agenda The importance of statistics is for parents to understand how important the topic has become – spend no more than 2 minutes on this slide. The idea for the last few bullets is that there is lots of verbal abuse which is characterized as bullying. Verbal abuse – boys hit. A group called Urban Martial Arts – so it may have a certain bent, but the idea is that boys are physical and need to move and have a physical outlet. We also want to make sure that parents understand how serious this topic is and that it affects all or our lives.

What is bullying? Punching, shoving and hurting others physically Spreading rumors Keeping cliques tight and being exclusive Teasing in a hurtful way Certain people gang up on others Ask the audience how they define bullying – what their experiences are and what their interest is in the topic. Remind them of confidentiality in these seminars. Reinforce the resources available through the EAP or work life provider for support on a personal case.

Myths Bullies have low-self esteem Bullying is the same thing as conflict Most bullying is physical Bullying isn’t serious Bullying doesn’t happen at my child’s school since it is in the suburbs My child will tell me if he or she is bullied Cyber bullying is not serious Conflict is a normal part of life. Two people or more are involved. Remember name calling is just (or more hurtful) than physical – only 25-50% of bullied children tell adults they fear retaliation. Many things we thought about bullying are not true. All of the above statements are myths – ask the audience what the surprises are in this list. This is a good time to begin the discussion of dissecting a child that can be overly sensitive. We do want to distinguish between kids having fun and kids bullying kids.

How to know if your child is being bullied Depression Anxiety Sadness Puts self down frequently Avoids recess, withdraws from activities, groups Arrives to school late – leaves early Loses property Has frequent absences/attempted absences Here the point is to stress to parents what to look for – what are the signs that your child is being bullied? This is a sensitive topic so the trainer should remember we are talking with parents whose children may be bullied and not to make judgments about personality or parenting – again stress the help available to them through EAP or work/life. It is always a good idea to ask your child straight out… are you being bullied? Do you know any bullies? Some kids will answer while others will not Good questions to ask: - is your child disconnected? - does your child have stomachaches or headaches frequently? - do they say they are sick to stay home from school when not really ill. - is your child having nightmares? - in your gut – is your instinct that something is up?

Family Risks that Increase Bullying Lack of warmth from parenting Overly permissive parenting including lack of limits Harsh physical discipline Being bullied by any family member including extended family Ignoring a child in pain (bullying becomes the outlet) The point of this slide is how is a bully created? What are some of the situations that can cause a child to become a bully. It is interesting to note that bullying is not genetic but rather learned and cultivated behavior. This slide discusses where bullying comes from.

Is your child a bully? Bullies can be difficult to discern they act charming when adults are around. Bullies can be the popular ones Some parents think its better for their kids to be the bully than to be bullied Bullying is a learned phenomenon that has to do with social pressure Think being a bully helps them fit in Fear exclusion Tend to: Be impulsive Are easily frustrated Lack empathy Have difficulty following rules See violence in a positive way Harbor anger See things in black and white We do also want to address “ostrich parents” – those adults who do not realize that an “Eddie Haskell” can also be a bully. We need to all be open to the possibility that any child could potentially be a bully - your role as facilitator is to get them to understand both sides of bullying – recognizing bullies and those being bullied. Also, bullies can simply be trying to fit in or impress their friends and may not have any of these tendencies. Often times they feel bad about what they do but believe that bullying is the better choice than being excluded from “the group” It is possible to stop bullying right in the beginning. The quicker it is addressed the quicker it is handled.

Cyber-Bullying What is it? Preventing cyber bulling: How it works: When a child is humiliated, embarrassed or threatened using the internet or any digital technology. How it works: Direct: message from child to child By proxy: teasing through messaging others or “posting” Pretending to be someone else. Motivation? Some do it just for fun or revenge and occasionally by accident. Preventing cyber bulling: Educating kids about consequences and respecting others. There is no one size fits all - cyber bullying needs to be handled on a case by case basis. Clearly this could be a whole seminar by itself. Including topics like: Sexting ---------- which is sending pornographic pictures over the phone Misuse of facebook which includes denying or ignoring friends This is a important conversation to keep open with your children. Ask them what they know about cyberbullying and what the new “ hot” way to do it is.

The BIG issues Boost your own child’s self-esteem Teach them good problem solving skills Teach empathy Know the law Know all parties responsibilities including teachers and school Know when to step in Listen to your child Big issues Best Practices Can you get your child to understand the other child’s point of view. Knowing right behavior from wrong behavior - knowing when “fun” or “funny” crosses over the line to “mean”. One good way for your child to avoid becoming a bully or a victim of bullying is to promote good problem solving skills. For those who are bullied – they must learn how to not take comments personally – teach them to toughen up a bit and not be oversensitive to comments. Caveat: be very careful when making this statement. Yes, some kids are overly sensitive, however, telling a child this could also communicate that the parent believes the child is responsible or partially responsible for the bullying. This might discourage future communication about additional or escalating bullying. Ask the child if they can think of other ways to respond to the bullying. Allow them to work through the problem openly and come up with solutions on their own. State that handling bullies is a difficult complicated matter and sometime s can take quite a bit of detangling to get to the real issues. Dona’s Notes: When reporting bullying, keep your emotions in check. Give factual information, who, what, when, where and how.

Best Practices & Tips for Parents Talk first Listen attentively Positive, positive, positive Give praise for being brave Make it clear it is not their fault Ask your child for solutions – don’t try to fix everything. Teach your child successful anger management techniques Help your child develop their own social group Consider if school should be involved Ask people to share their stories here – this should be an engaging part of the class. Find out what works and what didn’t on both sides. Keep your own emotions out of it – it’s not about the parent and how they feel/are affected by this. Many parents are embarrassed or disappointed that their child is being bullied. Write EVERYTHING down – keep a record of each incident w/date, those involved, who the child reported the incident to (if they did) Children need to be reassured that parents are not going to run off and tell authorities without the child’s permission. It is only one solution to tell the school not the only solution. Also, it can cause more repercussions for the child than do any good.

Resources http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/kids http://www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/adults/default.aspx http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0pGCC4mMkQ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYJFy45HzR0