Presentation on theme: "Communications and Conflict-Management, K. Knox 09"— Presentation transcript:
1Communications and Conflict-Management, K. Knox 09 Ideas from Getting to Yes, Choosing Civility, Fierce Conversations, First Things First, Difficult Conversations, Verbal JudoParts 1, 2, and 3
2To a significant extent… Life is what our relationships make it. ..We exist and we perceive our identity not in a vacuum but rather in relation to others. Life is relational whether we like it or not.No action of ours is without consequence.
3What happens when…Someone tells you you “have to” do something or gives you a “little threat?”“The conversation is the relationship. Incremental degradation is a compromise in authenticity in our conversations and it’s a slow and deadly slide” (FC)Handout for basic COVA conversations
4The art of verbal persuasion Part 1 RhetoricThe art of verbal persuasionPerspective (the way you see things)Audience (empathy; seek 1st to understand)Voice (use the mirror; record your voice)Purpose (no interruptions; be clear)Conscious organization (begin with the end in mind)Handout of scripts to practice with a partner: situational roleplays
5Example of organization for a call Greeting and attentionIdentification of self and reason for callNotes to maintain focus and avoid birdwalks or repetitionParaphrase what you heard; refocus your attentionSpeak consciously with attentionAsk; seek fact finding and complete understandingListen more than speak; don’t interruptEthical presenceReassuranceSummarize the action plan
6Remember…The more you clarify your position and defend it under attack, the more committed you become to it. Your ego becomes identified with your position. The more attention that is paid to positions, less attention is devoted to meeting the underlying concerns of the parties.Positional bargaining becomes a contest of willsAssignment: review handout on positions
7More thoughts Don’t be ruled by adrenaline Daughter’s photo and mirror Remember that feelings are the heart of every conversation.Distinguish between severe and reasonable resistanceMake that 41st caller feel like the first call of the dayAlways check your own assumptionsRespond don’t react with egoFlexibility equals strengthCommon sense is uncommon under pressure. If someone gets under your skin, they control you. Don’t see the “other” as the adversary.Use “And” more than “but”
8Unexpressed feelings ARE the conversation When people are having a hard time listening, often it is not because they don’t know how to listen well. It is paradoxically, because they don’t know how to express themselves well. (DC p. 89)Emotions are not a single feelingWe tend to translate our feelings into judgments, attributions, or characterizations
9Instead of trying to control the other’s reaction, Prepare for it with a mirrorPractice what you will say, and listen to yourself; opening lines, tone, choice of words, too soft/cushioned?, confusing, too much talking…?Create a learning conversation with specific, mutually-agreed upon outcomes; Invite don’t imposeAssignment: use the DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS CHECKLIST to prepare for your next DCA dc is any conversation it’s difficult for you to participate in
10Civility is liberating It frees us from slavery to self-absorption, impulse and mood.I am not just talking with a person; I am talking with this person. “I honor your worth.”We can gain a victory over carelessness, indifference, anger and inertia.
11Part 2 Some Principles of Fierce Conversations Master the courage to interrogate realityseek win-winSeek first to understandare we avoiding the “too hard” basket?there is a huge cost (economical, emotional, intellectual) with not identifying and tackling the real issues)what is impossible to do that if it were possible, would change everything?“Are my truths and frustrations in my way?”
12Separate the people From the perceived problem Focus on interests not positionsCreate a variety of possibilities before deciding what to do (options for mutual gain)The result should be based on an objective standardEvaluate your position and hard or soft stance (see handout on positioning)
13Negotiate it and frame it Frame it “so what’s important to you is…”Differences are defined by the difference between your thinking and theirs. Ultimately conflict lies not in objective reality but in people’s heads. Be prepared to withhold judgment for a while as you “try on” their views p. 22 GTY
14And vs. ButWithout laying blame, catch yourself: replace “and” with “but”Really know that the answers are “in the room”Be aware of “ground truth”—what’s happening on the ground vs. in official tactics and requirements (The official truth is that we’re higher scoring than all other online schools in Colorado. The “ground truth” is…)
15Principles of Fierce Conversations, cont’d 2. Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it realKnow that “all conversations are with myself, and sometimes they involve other people.”Know that the emotions roiling within you are how you are showing up to others.“Mineral rights” evaluation sheet handoutWhat is going on? How long? How bad are things? How is this issue currently impacting me? How is it impacting others? What results are being produced for me by this situation? What results are being produced for them by this situation? When I consider the impacts on myself and others, what are my emotions? If nothing changes, what’s likely to happen? What’s at stake? What are my emotions when I consider the outcomes? How have I contributed to the issue? When this issue is resolved, what difference will it make? When I imagine the outcome what are my emotions? What is the most potent step I could take to move this issue toward resolution?
16Principles of FC, cont’d Be here, prepared to be nowhere elseHumans have a universal longingto be known, and being known, to be loved“I see you”You must learn to rebuild the links that connect people and that provide an effective antidotes to cynicism and disaffection.FOCUS without multitaskingAssignment: choose one of your challenging parents or students. Apply principle 3 in a conscious way. This will take more than one interaction. Write a journal entry about what you did and said and what’s happening.
17A dialogue “How’s your work going?” “great.” “Everything working out?” “yeah.”“Any questions?”“no.”“That’s good—that’s what I like to hear. Have a good day!”
18assignment: practice these guiding sentences “What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about?”“How is this issue impacting you? When you consider these impacts how are you feeling?”“If nothing changes, what are the implications?” or “Imagine it is a year later and nothing has changed What is likely to happen?”“How have you helped to create this situation?”(“I don’t Know” triggers “what would be it be you did know?” or “that’s useful to think about.”)What is the ideal outcome? What is the most potent step you can take to being to resolve this issue?When should I follow up with you?
19Come into the conversation with empty hands; just bring yourself If you ask for the issue, don’t…--Jump right in and offer suggestions or points--Share stories about yourself (takes the focus onto you)--Put so many pillows around a message that the message is lost all together and there is confusion (softening the message is just trying to protect ourselves)--get into all sorts of birdwalks and extraneous details--tell them right way, the rules they are violating; they know…--don’t let your voice include anger or angst; you may induce profound indifferenceInstead, Use the 60 second/7 question handout for review and practicePeter falk: “This can only mean one thing, and I don’t have a clue what that is!”
20Mole whacking vs. grubsBehind each mole is another one…
21Some principles of fierce conversations, cont’d Take responsibility for your emotional wakeRecognize that everything you say creates an emotional wake--This is where we are going; this is how we are going to get there; this is why we are going to get thereRecognize that there are multiple truthsRecognize that when your emotions are negative, the more you say increases the likelihood of a negative wake, so I need to say less and listen moreDon’t use absolutes “you never” “you always”Assignment: Practice the handout of Conversational Phrases aloud
22Fierce conversations con’td 5. Let silence do the heavy lifting. Reflect on beliefs and paradigms; let others participate fully; scan your head for ground truths.Don’t be guilty of:--interrupting by talking over someone else--formulating your own response while someone is talking--responding quickly with little thought--attempting to be funny, clever, charming, competent, impressive…--jumping in with advice before an issue has been clarified--changing topics--talking in circles; nothing new emerging--allowing cell or interruptions--cancelling an important meeting with a parent or student--monopolizing the air space and/or talking too fast with “umms” to monopolize the air space. TALKING IS NOT CONVERSATION.
23Part 3 The three conversations: copy this slide The “What happened” conversationIncludes thoughts about truth, intentions and blameThe feelings conversationThe identity conversation
24This translates to Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love?_________________________Justify,deny,give up…
25RoleplayTry speaking with someone you don’t really like or who is angry with you and the schoolTry calming someone who is angry about the LMS and attacking you personallyUse part 1 tools; use script phrases--debriefUse part 1 strategies; debriefUse script phrasing, debrief
26Debrief what’s happening Respecting other’s opinions that differ strongly from yoursHandling interruptionsBody languageMind-setLevel of “hard and soft” communicationsThe personal interferences“giving in”
27Redirection without passion The first principle of verbal judo is to not resist your opponent. Instead move with him and redirect his energy. p. 43 VJDifficult people built this country. We need to allow room in our system for them and their questions. When you shift from resisting to appreciating and even welcoming difficult people, things become interesting and less tense. P. 44MUSHIN (the “still center”)
28Thinking beyond me Draw a circle with COVA in it To the right draw a 5 pointed star to represent youTo the right of that draw a box with a C in it which stands for your contact point.Now draw a figure 8 which represents your job that begins on the left, passes through you and continues to the right before passing through you again. Continue to trace the figure 8. You serve as a conduit between 2 entities in such a manner as to generate voluntary compliance.Soon, you’ll see you are virtually obliterated by your representational job. If you are a mouthpiece, you don’t represent your own ego. The more ego you show; the less power you have over people.
29Mediation Saying so doesn’t make it so Tone and modulation The “ending phrase”..what does she hear?“…you fool”Redirect with WIIFH vs confrontRoleplay assignmentAssignment: use the Confrontation Model handout