CONFLICT!!!! Defining Conflict Causes of Conflict – Values related Conflict – Relationship related Conflict – Structural or Positional related Conflict – Data related Conflict
Conflict What have you learned about conflict? – How was conflict handled in your family? – What happened when there was conflict at school? – How are you affected by culture, religion and other influences?
PUSHING People position themselves in various patterns, like an ATTACH-DEFEND Cycle, when in conflict. Blaming language, entrenching, emotionalism and other behaviors add to being stuck in the pattern. Learning strategies for cutting through the patterns is an invaluable skill in working with youth.
PUSHING When you push on someone, they are inclined to push back. *we don’t always know what constitutes a push to someone else. Our intentions behind words and actions may be very different than their impact on another person. Blaming is sometimes the easiest way to avoid responsibility We sometimes operate in reaction, based on old patterns, instead of creating responses based from thoughtful consideration.
PUSHING Our listening is distorted when we are in conflict, we hear through filters like assumptions, expectations and emotion. We may lack perspective and/or skills to work things through collaboratively. What will you remember from the pushing activity?
Learning & Mastery Don’t know what you don’t know Know what you don’t know Know what you know Don’t know what you don’t know
What Mediators Do Create a safe environment Listen and elicit information Assist parties as they clarify meaning and define issues Problem solve through option generation Facilitate negotiations Record agreements
More than Going from Dispute to Resolution Uninformed Agitated/Angry Confused Misunderstood Nobody Blame Huh? Informed Calmer Clear Understood/Accepted Somebody Responsibility Aha!
Attitude How we THINK influences what we SAY and Do
Mediation Mindset Objective Non-judgmental Accepting Trust in the youth Re-define Control Does not “assume” Check our own baggage BE FULLY PRESENT!
Can You Let Go of Your Own Needs… …and Listen?
Listening Like a Mediator Remain detached mentally and emotionally Refraining from advice giving, agreeing or disagreeing Maintaining an awareness of your body language Patience No judging or blaming Sincerity
Mediation Toolbox Listening To hear – Content – Emotions – values Responding To acknowledge and clarify by – Paraphrasing – Summarizing – Questioning – Reframing – Reflecting Bridging Differences To promote understanding – Summarizing – Questioning – Reframing
Acknowledgement Listen and hear others where they are Let them know you have heard them Acknowledging is not agreeing Acknowledging does not mean you give up your view point Requires recognizing where you differ and where you might agree
Why Acknowledge? Can soften an attitude enough to change stubborn to willing People want to know you have heard them Prevents escalation in a conflict Encourages conversation and avoids blame
Acknowledging Skills Acknowledge both feeling and content as appropriate Use objective clear language Start with a variety for statements: – So for you – If I’m hearing you – From your point of view – You sound – You seem
Restating and Paraphrasing Say back exactly what someone said or say back in such a way to retain the meaning with minor word substitutions
Restating and Paraphrasing Why? – Translate – Clarify – Facilitate Negotiation – Acknowledge – Create Movement – Elicit More Information – Model Objective Language
Reflecting Reflecting is acting as the objective mirror. – Why? Provide those involved with an opportunity to: – Agree and say more about what is going on for them – Help them feel acknowledged – Let them agree or disagree and clarify – Allow them the opportunity to explore their feelings – Validate their feelings – Create movement – Facilitate negotiation
Reflecting & Emotions If you hear “I feel like…” or “I feel that…” you are getting something other than a feeling level response. “I feel like he is wrong” is an opinion. Try reflecting back what you may hear underneath the thought – maybe you can uncover the emotion. Sometimes people are not willing to resolve the issue until both their thoughts and emotional content have been acknowledged.
Reframing A person frames his or her point of view by describing issues, creating context, choosing language and defining meanings. Reframing is a skill. By putting a statement in a new frame we can make it more constructive, less offensive or negative and more approachable. Reframing restates negative statements without changing the intent and interest.
Reframing FROM Negative An Individual Problem A Threat, Blame or Attack Past TO Positive A Joint Problem A Level of Concern Future Without Changing Its INTENT!