Managing Interpersonal Conflict n Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.

Expressed struggle n Can only exist when both parties are aware of a disagreement. It can be expressed verbally or nonverbally.

Perceived incompatible goals n Don’t see solutions- perceive their goals to be mutually exclusive.

Perceived scarce rewards n People believe that there isn’t enough to go around

interdependence n The welfare and satisfaction of one depends on the actions of the other

Interference from the other party n Conflict won’t occur until the participants act in ways that prevent one another from reaching their goal

n Conflict is natural. Every relationship has conflict. It is a fact of life. Feelings are a part of the process. n Conflict can be beneficial. Happy couples view disagreement as healthy and recognize that conflicts need to be faced. They are constructive in solving it.

Personal Conflict Styles n Nonassertive- inability or unwillingness to express thoughts or feelings in a conflict. Avoidance or accommodation. Can be useful- “choose battles carefully” or to help the other person.

Direct Aggression n Character attacks, competence attacks, physical appearance attacks, wishing the other ill fortune, teasing, ridicule, threats, swearing, and nonverbal emblems. Significant connection between verbal aggression and physical aggression. Sets up destructive spiral.

Passive Aggression n Expresses hostility in obscure way. “Crazymaking”.

Indirect Communication n Conveys message in roundabout way in order to save face for the recipient. Give “hint”. Most common way by which people make requests.

Assertion n Message expresses the speaker’s needs, thoughts, and feelings clearly and directly without judging or dictating to others.

Which style? n Consider: the relationship the situation the other person your goals

Assertion without Aggression n Give an objective behavioral description and your interpretation of it n Express your feeling about it n Tell what the consequence is. -what happens to you -what happens to the person you are addressing -what happens to others

n Intention n -where you stand on the issue n -requests of others n -descriptions of how you plan to act in the future

Using the clear message format n The elements can be delivered in any order n word the message to suit your personal style n combine two elements in a single phrase (if appropriate)

Conflict in Relational Systems n Complementary Conflict Style- fight/flight n Symmetrical n Parallel (shift between the two)

Intimate/Aggressive styles n Nonintimate-Aggressive. Fight, but are unsuccessful at satisfying important content and relational goals. n Nonintimate-Nonaggressive. Avoid conflict and one another. n Intimate-Aggressive. Argue, but make up intensely. n Intimate-Nonaggressive. Low attacking or blaming, but confront.

Conflict Rituals n Can become a problem if inflexible and limiting

Variables in Conflict Styles Gender: n As children, girls use more “let’s”, “why don’t we..”, etc. Boys are more demanding and direct. n Women- less assertive. Both genders are less tolerant of assertive behavior from a woman.

n Female students described men as being concerned with power and were more interested in content than relational issues. n In actual conflict, women are more assertive than men about expressing their ideas and feelings, and men are more likely to withdraw from discussing issues.

n Men don’t see friendship and aggression as mutually exclusive. Many strong male relationships are built around competition. n Differences are actually very small. More important is the nature of the relationship and the personal conflict styles.

Culture n Orientation towards individualism or collectivism. Individualistic cultures (like U.S.) the goals, rights, and need of each person are considered important. Collectivist cultures (Latin America or Asian) consider the concerns of the group to be more important than those of the individual.

n Assertiveness- n Low context (such as U.S. and Europeans) place a premium on being direct and literal. n High context (such as Japan) like to avoid confrontation and value self-restraint. Preserving and honoring the face of the other person are a prime goal. Indirect communication is norm.

n Also consider ethnic background, biological makeup, self-concept, environment, parental conflict style, “culture of the situation”

Methods of Conflict Resolution n WIN/Lose one party gets what he or she wants, whereas the other doesn’t. Power is distinguishing characteristic. Justified when the other person insists on trying to defeat you, or when the other person is doing something wrong.

n Lose/Lose Neither side is satisfied with the outcome. Fairly common way to handle conflict. n Compromise Gives both parties some of what they wanted, though both sacrifice part of their goals. n Win/win Find a solution that satisfies the needs of everyone involved.

Win-Win Communication Skills n Step 1 Identify Your Problem and Unmet Needs n Step 2 Make a date. n Step 3 Describe your problem and needs. Use the clear message format.

n Step 4 Consider Your Partner’s Point of View. Find out what your partner needs to feel satisfied about the issue. n Step 5 Negotiate a solution. Develop as many potential solutions as possible and evaluate them to decide which one best meets everyone’s needs.

n Step 6 Follow up the solution. Go back and evaluate the effectiveness and make changes as necessary.

Constructive Conflict n Questions for discussion Too good to be true? Isn’t it too elaborate? Isn’t it too rational? Is it possible to change others?