1. Conflict I. Defined II. Functional & Dysfunctional Conflicts III.Personal Conflict Styles IV.Best Conflict Style V. Long Term Relational Conflict Styles VI. Conflict Management I. Defined II. Functional & Dysfunctional Conflicts III.Personal Conflict Styles IV.Best Conflict Style V. Long Term Relational Conflict Styles VI. Conflict Management

2. I. Conflict: Defined Definition: An inevitable part of life, including expressed struggle between at least 2 interdependent persons who perceive both interference in achieving incompatible goals and scarce rewards. A. Expressed struggle: V or NV, they know struggle exists. B. Interdependent: Their welfare depends on each other. C. Interference & Incompatible Goals: Win-Lose, they don’t see mutually satisfying answers. D. Scarce Rewards: Win-Lose, not enough for all E. Inevitability: “bound to happen” 1. Can’t avoid so must manage 2. Can be constructive if admit mistakes & do perception check 3. Attitudes you bring to conflict can solve or worsen it. Definition: An inevitable part of life, including expressed struggle between at least 2 interdependent persons who perceive both interference in achieving incompatible goals and scarce rewards. A. Expressed struggle: V or NV, they know struggle exists. B. Interdependent: Their welfare depends on each other. C. Interference & Incompatible Goals: Win-Lose, they don’t see mutually satisfying answers. D. Scarce Rewards: Win-Lose, not enough for all E. Inevitability: “bound to happen” 1. Can’t avoid so must manage 2. Can be constructive if admit mistakes & do perception check 3. Attitudes you bring to conflict can solve or worsen it.

3. II. Functional & Dysfunctional Conflicts A. Defined: 1. Functional: outcomes = best possible even strengthen relationship 2. Dysfunctional: outcomes=less than what’s possible, can damage relationship B. Characteristics: 1. Integration vs. Polarization- see commonalities, want to work together, problem-oriented (Gibb); rather than blame & U control the other 2. Cooperation vs. Opposition- Win-Win, looks for ways to agree which satisfy both, & redefine in constructive ways; rarely redefines or gives in, & doesn’t want to satisfy both. 3. Confirmation vs. Disconfirmation- attacks problem, not the person(s), doesn’t dominate (Gibb’s supportive behaviors ; Gibb’s Defensiveness- producing behavior; attacks persons A. Defined: 1. Functional: outcomes = best possible even strengthen relationship 2. Dysfunctional: outcomes=less than what’s possible, can damage relationship B. Characteristics: 1. Integration vs. Polarization- see commonalities, want to work together, problem-oriented (Gibb); rather than blame & U control the other 2. Cooperation vs. Opposition- Win-Win, looks for ways to agree which satisfy both, & redefine in constructive ways; rarely redefines or gives in, & doesn’t want to satisfy both. 3. Confirmation vs. Disconfirmation- attacks problem, not the person(s), doesn’t dominate (Gibb’s supportive behaviors ; Gibb’s Defensiveness- producing behavior; attacks persons

4. Functional & Dysfunctional Conflicts cont. B. 4. Agreement vs. Coercion: Recognizes power plays are unethical & can backfire vs. uses threats or power to control 5. De-escalation vs. Escalation: Facing problem to solve it better in long run vs. avoiding it & creating a worse situation 6. Focusing vs. Drifting: One subject at a time vs. bringing up other issues 7. Foresight vs. Shortsightedness: See relationship as more important than the battle vs. winning every battle but losing the war (damaging relationship), overlooking better solution, or not stopping to think abt. how to be constructive 8. Positive vs. Negative RESULTS: Functional=rewards of facing a challenge, feeling better abt. self & others, better relationship, know & appreciate each other more, safe outlet for feelings of frustration or aggression to prevent explosions vs. None of this! B. 4. Agreement vs. Coercion: Recognizes power plays are unethical & can backfire vs. uses threats or power to control 5. De-escalation vs. Escalation: Facing problem to solve it better in long run vs. avoiding it & creating a worse situation 6. Focusing vs. Drifting: One subject at a time vs. bringing up other issues 7. Foresight vs. Shortsightedness: See relationship as more important than the battle vs. winning every battle but losing the war (damaging relationship), overlooking better solution, or not stopping to think abt. how to be constructive 8. Positive vs. Negative RESULTS: Functional=rewards of facing a challenge, feeling better abt. self & others, better relationship, know & appreciate each other more, safe outlet for feelings of frustration or aggression to prevent explosions vs. None of this!

5. III. Personal Conflict Styles cont. A.Defined=Characteristic approaches taken when your needs don’t match others’ wants B.5 Styles: in any type of relationship 1. Avoidance (Lose/Lose): physically or conversationally ignore or stay away from conflict ; pessimistic attitude leads to unsatisfying rela., though selectively ignoring can be smart ( to keep a job or relationship) 2. Accommodation (Lose/Win); low concern for self, high for others. Let others win rather than assert own pt. of view; CAN enhance rela. IF not habitual. Too much =lose respect, become bitter, etc. & play passive- aggressive games. (Crazymakers) Culture determines how style is viewed. 3.Competition (Win-Lose): high concern for self (my way), low for others (“my way”) a.Many No. Americans use b/c in culture can be satisfying. (in sports, in achievements, & in altruism( who’s more charitable, more romantic, etc.) b.Works if both win graciously but c.Can lead to direct aggression A.Defined=Characteristic approaches taken when your needs don’t match others’ wants B.5 Styles: in any type of relationship 1. Avoidance (Lose/Lose): physically or conversationally ignore or stay away from conflict ; pessimistic attitude leads to unsatisfying rela., though selectively ignoring can be smart ( to keep a job or relationship) 2. Accommodation (Lose/Win); low concern for self, high for others. Let others win rather than assert own pt. of view; CAN enhance rela. IF not habitual. Too much =lose respect, become bitter, etc. & play passive- aggressive games. (Crazymakers) Culture determines how style is viewed. 3.Competition (Win-Lose): high concern for self (my way), low for others (“my way”) a.Many No. Americans use b/c in culture can be satisfying. (in sports, in achievements, & in altruism( who’s more charitable, more romantic, etc.) b.Works if both win graciously but c.Can lead to direct aggression

6. III. Personal Conflict Styles cont. 4. Passive/Aggression: Tactics expressing disguised dissatisfaction & punish another w/o direct confrontation (Bach/Wyden ’68)Crazymakers a. Verbal or Nonverbal b. Sarcasm=aims to hurt & is NOT really humor 5. Direct Aggression: AV or NV attack on the source of displeasure a. Causes severe impact on target 1. Verbal attacks can lead to physical ones (Infante et al ‘89) b. Psychological attack can cause decreased effectiveness 1. In personal relationships (Infante) 2. On jobs 3. In families c. Can lead to destructive spiral for entire relationship (Olson & Braithwaite ‘04) 4. Passive/Aggression: Tactics expressing disguised dissatisfaction & punish another w/o direct confrontation (Bach/Wyden ’68)Crazymakers a. Verbal or Nonverbal b. Sarcasm=aims to hurt & is NOT really humor 5. Direct Aggression: AV or NV attack on the source of displeasure a. Causes severe impact on target 1. Verbal attacks can lead to physical ones (Infante et al ‘89) b. Psychological attack can cause decreased effectiveness 1. In personal relationships (Infante) 2. On jobs 3. In families c. Can lead to destructive spiral for entire relationship (Olson & Braithwaite ‘04)

7. III. Personal Conflict Styles B. 6. Compromise: negotiated Lose/Lose w/ both sides losing some goals to get something they want a. Usually, both are unsatisfied (divorce cases) b. CAN be satisfied if both somewhat satisfied (agreeing on price to sell anything) 1. When both sides are satisfied and decision is successful, we may call it COLLABORATION 7. Collaboration: Win/Win solution w/ high concern for self & others, wanting to satisfy everyone’s needs (Our Way) a. Ideal, but not always possible or appropriate b. Consider: time it takes and how minor or serious issue is B. 6. Compromise: negotiated Lose/Lose w/ both sides losing some goals to get something they want a. Usually, both are unsatisfied (divorce cases) b. CAN be satisfied if both somewhat satisfied (agreeing on price to sell anything) 1. When both sides are satisfied and decision is successful, we may call it COLLABORATION 7. Collaboration: Win/Win solution w/ high concern for self & others, wanting to satisfy everyone’s needs (Our Way) a. Ideal, but not always possible or appropriate b. Consider: time it takes and how minor or serious issue is

8. Which Style to Use? IV.Which is best? A. Flexibility important b/c no one style fits all conflicts B. Depends on 3 things: 1. Situation (at work? Home?) 2. Other Person (any good at collaborating?) 3. Your Goals (reasons for communicating a. To calm down other person? b. To avoid worsening conflict? c. To avoid worsening conflict? d. To assert a moral principle?) IV.Which is best? A. Flexibility important b/c no one style fits all conflicts B. Depends on 3 things: 1. Situation (at work? Home?) 2. Other Person (any good at collaborating?) 3. Your Goals (reasons for communicating a. To calm down other person? b. To avoid worsening conflict? c. To avoid worsening conflict? d. To assert a moral principle?)

9. V. Long-term Relationship Conflict Styles A.Defined: Partners develop patterns of managing disagreements, some constructive & others threatening to relationship B.3 Styles: 1. Complementary: different but mutually reinforcing behaviors a. If behavior = positive, a positive spiral results b. If behavior = negative, a negative spiral results, leads to problems & may escalate or de-escalate conflict (decide to end an unhappy marriage ) 2. Symmetrical: both use same tactics; depending on tactic, can be positive or negative 3. Parallel: shifts betwn. Complementary & Symmetrical styles, depending on situation A.Defined: Partners develop patterns of managing disagreements, some constructive & others threatening to relationship B.3 Styles: 1. Complementary: different but mutually reinforcing behaviors a. If behavior = positive, a positive spiral results b. If behavior = negative, a negative spiral results, leads to problems & may escalate or de-escalate conflict (decide to end an unhappy marriage ) 2. Symmetrical: both use same tactics; depending on tactic, can be positive or negative 3. Parallel: shifts betwn. Complementary & Symmetrical styles, depending on situation

10. V. Relational Conflict Styles cont. V.C. Intimate & Aggressive Styles: Interaction between emotional closeness & aggression 1. Nonintimate-Aggressive: disputes issues but won’t deal on emotional level=direct or indirect V or NV aggression 2. Nonintimate-Nonaggressive: avoids issue & each other Won’t face issue head-on; problems never resolved= less satisfying relationship 3. Intimate-Aggressive: Can argue but still value relationship Can upset or work well for some. (couples, co-workers) 4. Intimate-Non-Aggressive: Low attacking/blaming, they confront issues directly or indirectly, but prevent them from interfering w/ relationship *Non-intimate styles work well IF you don’t want interpersonal relationship. V.C. Intimate & Aggressive Styles: Interaction between emotional closeness & aggression 1. Nonintimate-Aggressive: disputes issues but won’t deal on emotional level=direct or indirect V or NV aggression 2. Nonintimate-Nonaggressive: avoids issue & each other Won’t face issue head-on; problems never resolved= less satisfying relationship 3. Intimate-Aggressive: Can argue but still value relationship Can upset or work well for some. (couples, co-workers) 4. Intimate-Non-Aggressive: Low attacking/blaming, they confront issues directly or indirectly, but prevent them from interfering w/ relationship *Non-intimate styles work well IF you don’t want interpersonal relationship.

11. Managing Relational Conflict Styles cont. D. CONFLICT RITUALS: repeating patterns of interlocking behavior 1. Becomes problem if always used= the familiar way isn’t always best way to solve conflicts. 2. Competent communicators use a variety of behaviors, choosing the most effective for each situation. VARIABLES IN CONFLICT STYLES 1. GENDER: a. In the past, males more aggressive & females more cooperative. (We may only notice behav. of the stereotype) b. Today, less stereotyping of gender behaviors. (Collier-:“men more concerned w/ power & content”& women more “w/ maintaining rela.” in a conflict c. Individual Conflict Style=more important than gender D. CONFLICT RITUALS: repeating patterns of interlocking behavior 1. Becomes problem if always used= the familiar way isn’t always best way to solve conflicts. 2. Competent communicators use a variety of behaviors, choosing the most effective for each situation. VARIABLES IN CONFLICT STYLES 1. GENDER: a. In the past, males more aggressive & females more cooperative. (We may only notice behav. of the stereotype) b. Today, less stereotyping of gender behaviors. (Collier-:“men more concerned w/ power & content”& women more “w/ maintaining rela.” in a conflict c. Individual Conflict Style=more important than gender

12. Variables in Conflict Styles 1. GENDER: a. In the past, males more aggressive & females more cooperative. (We may only notice behavior of the stereotype) b. Today, less stereotyping of gender behaviors. (Collier-:“men more concerned w/ power & content”& women more “w/ maintaining relationship” in a conflict c. Individual Conflict Style=more important than gender 1. GENDER: a. In the past, males more aggressive & females more cooperative. (We may only notice behavior of the stereotype) b. Today, less stereotyping of gender behaviors. (Collier-:“men more concerned w/ power & content”& women more “w/ maintaining relationship” in a conflict c. Individual Conflict Style=more important than gender

13. Variables in Conflict Styles cont. V.Variables in Managing Conflict Styles 2. CULTURE: Behavior during conflict varies in each culture a. What’s appropriate in 1 culture may not be so in another. i. Individualistic=more direct handling conflict ii. Collectivistic=more indirect b. Groups within nationalities or ethnicities: conflicts can be socially accepted or frowned upon. i. Inter-ethnic couples can have challenges. c. Biology, self-concept, environment, & family influences shape our approach to conflict. V.Variables in Managing Conflict Styles 2. CULTURE: Behavior during conflict varies in each culture a. What’s appropriate in 1 culture may not be so in another. i. Individualistic=more direct handling conflict ii. Collectivistic=more indirect b. Groups within nationalities or ethnicities: conflicts can be socially accepted or frowned upon. i. Inter-ethnic couples can have challenges. c. Biology, self-concept, environment, & family influences shape our approach to conflict.

14. VI. The Process of Conflict Management A. Define needs: not always what you think at first. 1. Understand both persons ‘ needs …by 2. Exploring content & relational issues (extra good-night calls) B. Share needs w/ the other (a 7-step process to manage conflict) 1. Make a date-best time/place for BOTH -not tired or w/o time 2. Use descriptive “I” language, not blaming (Tell how other’s behavior affects you) 3. Listen to the other’s needs. Create supportive climate (Gibb) Share def. of problem; learn the other’s wants and needs 4. Generate poss. solutions in confirming, supportive climate. a. Brainstorm for quantity of solutions w/o judging quality b. No criticism of any kind at this point 5. Evaluate each solution & negotiate best one a. Does each one satisfy everyone’s important goals? b. Be spontaneous. A. Define needs: not always what you think at first. 1. Understand both persons ‘ needs …by 2. Exploring content & relational issues (extra good-night calls) B. Share needs w/ the other (a 7-step process to manage conflict) 1. Make a date-best time/place for BOTH -not tired or w/o time 2. Use descriptive “I” language, not blaming (Tell how other’s behavior affects you) 3. Listen to the other’s needs. Create supportive climate (Gibb) Share def. of problem; learn the other’s wants and needs 4. Generate poss. solutions in confirming, supportive climate. a. Brainstorm for quantity of solutions w/o judging quality b. No criticism of any kind at this point 5. Evaluate each solution & negotiate best one a. Does each one satisfy everyone’s important goals? b. Be spontaneous.

15. Process of Conflict Management cont. B. 6. Implement the solution: 1. Try it to see if it meets everyone’s needs. 2. Who does what, to whom, and when? 7. Follow up the solution: 1. Have a follow-up evaluation b/c effectiveness can change 2. Test it for a short but fair time, then 3. Discuss & see if any changes are needed (or a new solution) B. 6. Implement the solution: 1. Try it to see if it meets everyone’s needs. 2. Who does what, to whom, and when? 7. Follow up the solution: 1. Have a follow-up evaluation b/c effectiveness can change 2. Test it for a short but fair time, then 3. Discuss & see if any changes are needed (or a new solution)