1 Day #3 of 8 Types of Attachment & Communication Roster:Handouts: Please verify your information and put a checkmark next to your name or add your name. Please pick up a copy of today’s handouts.

Love & Loss Day #3 of 8  3 Types of Attachment Formation Mary Ainsworth  Attachment Formation & Adult Relationships  Men’s vs. Women’s Communication Styles Deborah Tannen 2

3

3 Types of Attachment Formation Mary Ainsworth Secure (Anxious) Avoidant Anxious Ambivalent Resistant 4 A video clip on our Day #3 Information Page The Strange Situation – Mary Ainsworth (3:15)

Mary Ainsworth’s “Strange Situation”  Parent & Baby play  Parent as a secure base - Parent sits while Baby plays  Stranger Anxiety - Stranger enters and talks to Parent  Separation Anxiety - Parent leaves – Stranger lets Baby play & comforts if needed  Reaction to Reunion - Parent returns, greets Baby, comforts if needed, Stranger leaves  Separation Anxiety - Parent leaves  Stranger Anxiety and Ability to be soothed by stranger - Stranger enters, comforts if needed  Reaction to Reunion - Parent returns, greets Baby, comforts if needed, lets Baby return to play 5

Four Attachment Types  Secure Attachment: A child who is securely attached to its caregiver will explore freely while the caregiver is present, will engage with strangers, will be visibly upset when the caregiver departs, and happy to see the caregiver return. The child will not engage with the stranger if the caregiver is not in the room.  Anxious - Ambivalent Insecure Attachment: A child with an anxious-resistant attachment style is anxious of exploration and of strangers, even when the caregiver is present. When the caregiver departs, the child is extremely distressed. The child will be ambivalent when she returns and will seek to remain close to the caregiver, but will be resentful, and also resistant when the caregiver initiates attention.  Avoidant Anxious-Insecure Attachment: A child with an anxious-avoidant attachment style will avoid or ignore the caregiver and show little emotion when the caregiver departs or returns. The child will not explore very much, regardless of who is there. Strangers will not be treated very differently from the caregiver. There is not much emotional range displayed regardless of who is in the room or if it is empty.  Disorganized /Disoriented attachment: Characterized in Ainsworth's "strange situation" task as a child who exhibits behavioral disorganization or disorientation in the form of wandering, confused expressions, freezing, undirected movements, or contradictory (i.e. "unorganized") patterns of interaction with a caregiver. 6

Attachment Style Nature or Nurture? 7

Identical Twins Separated at Birth  Twin Female Teenagers 8

Attachment Style... and memory. 9

Attachment Style measured at 12 months old. 29 Secure and 24 Insecure (Ambivalent & Avoidant)... and memory for good events & bad events measured at age 3 10

3-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN AND THEIR MEMORY FOR EVENTS Child Attachment Type at 12 months  Memory for Good Event  Memory for Bad Event  Secure  Insecure  11

3-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN AND THEIR MEMORY FOR EVENTS Child Attachment Type at 12 months  Memory for Good Event  Memory for Bad Event  Secure  Very GoodVery Poor Insecure  12

3-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN AND THEIR MEMORY FOR EVENTS Child Attachment Type at 12 months  Memory for Good Event  Memory for Bad Event  Secure  Very GoodVery Poor Insecure  Very PoorVery Good 13

Attachment Formation & Adult Relationships 14 See the last page of today’s notepages.

15

REJECTION SENSITIVITY is related to poor attachment formation.  Insecure Attachment Formation  Mania love style  Safety & Belongingness needs 16

Rejection Sensitivity is related to poor attachment formation.  If Relationship Involvement is Low… … The person will likely terminate the relationship at any sign of rejection. 17

Rejection Sensitivity is related to poor attachment formation.  If Relationship Involvement is High… … The person will likely become jealous, controlling, hostile, and then abusive at any sign of rejection. 18

19

Communication Styles 20

21

22

Eden & Mandy They have been married 8 years and have 3 young children. (14:12) 23

A Brief Break, during which… Please ask someone else, what they thought was most important from today’s class so far. 24

25

ROMANCE 26 DESIRE & “THE BASES”

TO INCREASE ROMANCE & DESIRE INCREASE THE NUMBER OF “BASES” 27 See Gottman’s 7 Principles on our Day #3 NotePages.

COMMUNICATION STYLES: WOMEN’S AND MEN’S DEBORAH TANNEN LOVE & COMMUNICATION STYLES: WOMEN’S AND MEN’S DEBORAH TANNEN 28  Expressive  Instrumental

FEMALE COMMUNICATION - EXPRESSIVE -  The person already feels intimate (willing to share concerns) and expresses (shares) thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as a means to express and enhance the intimacy.  Sharing a concern is an expression of intimacy.  Silence = no intimacy. 29

MALE COMMUNICATION - INSTRUMENTAL –  The person wants to change the universe (solve a problem or increase status) communication is an instrument (a means) to change things.  Silence = no problem.  Sharing a concern may decrease status. 30

HOMECOMING GREETINGS AND COMMUNICATION STYLES 31 John Prine’s Angel from Montgomery “How can a person go to work each day Come home in the evening And have nothing to say?”

LOVE & SEX AND COMMUNICATION STYLES 32

LOVE & SEX 1st2nd Female Love - Sex Male Sex Love 33 “Sex” as a mode of communication: Expressive of love felt or Instrumental in getting love Two versions of “The Love Song” Female & Male

LOVE or SEX? #1 Female Love Male Sex 34 Which is most special?

35

36

T REASURE MOMENTS TOGETHER. 37

43 “May you find your treasure everyday!”

44 The End.