What is love? How do you define it?

Unconditional positive regard Love Unconditional positive regard However according to Levine (2007) adult relationships are highly conditional – we are constantly being evaluated by our partners.

Falling in love - a grave mental disease Plato Falling in love is a time when the normal become psychotic Freud Cupid’s arrow

Chemistry of falling in love What are the physical reactions that can accompany ‘falling in love’? ‘high’ feeling – excitement, elation, giddiness Cause – increased activity of neurotransmitters in brain [norepinephrine, dopamine, esp. phenylethylamine (PEA)] Plus endorphins (morphine like substances) - calming chemicals Love ‘highs’ do not last – usually 6-18 months – possibly because body develops tolerance … romantic love is short lived. Withdrawal – loss of mood lifting chemicals – similar effects to withdrawal of amphets and loss of ‘calming’ endorphins – dramatic breakups cause pain. Liebowitz (1983). Chemistry of love.

Words to describe falling in love Your words? Earth shattering Trance Beguiling Amazed Exhilarated Sudden and intense Trepidation Struck by Cupid’s arrow

Romantic love and marriage around the world Romantic love not only a European invention (developed from the Medieval tradition of courtly love). Romantic love - experienced in all cultures, although valued differently between cultures. The more individuals are autonomous (ie. free, not bound by strict family or tribal ties), the more they consider romantic love a requirement for selecting a partner The more bound by family or tribal ties, the less romantic love is considered a prerequisite.

Romantic love is … Knee identifies five components of romantic love: the belief that love conquers all; the belief that each person has only one true love; the expectation that the beloved will live up to the ideals of the lover; love at first sight is possible; and it is better to follow your heart than your head when choosing a partner. Knee (1998)

Intimacy, passion & commitment Stenberg’s model of love consists of intimacy passion commitment. Various types of love arise as each of these 3 components is added into the mix. These range from non-love (an absence of all 3) to consummate love (the presence of all 3). Sternberg (1988)

Falling in love - why and with whom??? If you have ever been in love – what attracted you to your partner? PROXIMITY SIMILARITY RECIPROCITY – when we receive actions of liking or loving, we tend to return the same response (Curtis and Miller, 1988) PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS See text p188

Essential qualities required to sustain a positive relationship An understanding you are not always right. A willingness to live mainly in the present. Promotion of the other’s well being and also your own. Active cooperation with each other. A willingness to accept that one’s partner is not perfect. Coates (1999)

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the marriage cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it, Whenever you're right, shut up. Ogden Nash, 1962

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love 9 nouns of love - all stages may be experienced throughout adult life - range of possibilities of meaning Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love 1. Love is an idealised ambition - to achieve a lasting state of interpersonal harmony with another – eg. raise children, successful career and enjoyment of life - sexual pleasure and fidelity - a comfortable sense of individuality and couplehood - assist us to mature and cope with life’s demands Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love 2. Love is an arrangement – a deal - what will the person bring to my life? - carefully consider potential partner’s assets - exchanges of hopes, expectations and deals - young people in their first relationships usually don’t think in these terms Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love 3. Love is an attachment - after the deal comes the attachment - weaving together - sex facilitates this attachment Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love 4. Love is a moral commitment - eg. a marriage or some sort of ceremony - raises the bar of expectations - people vary in how seriously they take their vows – moral dilemma – guilt around eg. infidelity, divorce Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love 5. Love is a management process - love exists publicly AND in the privacy of each partner’s mind - both positive and negative (and sometimes keep the negative private) - we protect them – our partner needs the illusion that we don’t struggle to love them - HIS relationship/ HER relationship Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love 6. Love is a force of nature - biology – eg. reproduction - how individuals behave - throughout the ever changing relationship Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love 7. Love is a transient emotional state - a number of feelings - pleasure, interest and sexual arousal Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love 8. Love is an illusion - we want to believe in the illusion - internal processes to maintain the relationship - society and esp media simplifies love as though everyone knows what love is Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love 9. Love as a stop sign - why? - linked to illusion – a defence against self discovery - to end the enquiry – “I love him/her” Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

Stephen Levine – Demystifying love Verbs of love - falling - being - staying Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge. p30 Falling – the fantasy – one or both people Being – is the deal a good one – both people sharing the emotional upheaval – often a sexual peak – the desire to be happy and to be understood – guard the wellbeing of the other and to start to share vulnerabilities

Staying in love - a study in adult maturation - working through many challenges - putting “money in the bank” – maintains our idealised image of partner - requires competence in the relationship Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge.

Staying in love – predictors (Gottman) - ability to repair their relationship – de-escalation of negative thoughts and positive regard for other despite problems - women’s soft presentation of problem and men’s willingness to stay involved in the conversation - men’s ability to accept influence from their partner - Humour – environment of positive emotions – good for WHOLE family Gottman, J.M. (1998). Psychology and the study of the marital process. Annual Review of Psychology, 49., 169-197. Their stability and happiness did not depend upon their ability to resolve their problems – the key was their ability to MAINTAIN DIALOGUE ABOUT THEM -

Staying in love – 3 more competencies Genuineness – sharing our inner world with the other (Fromm) Overcoming narcissism – putting the needs of the other (and children) at times ahead of own needs Negotiation and share decision making Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge. p35

Assisting people to stay in love - speaking The capacity to know what one thinks and feels The willingness to explain it to another The skill to express the feelings and the ideas with words Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge. P57

Assisting people to stay in love - listening An uncritical acceptance of what is said An awareness of the importance of the moment for the speaker A grasp of what is being said A sense of privilege that he/she is present to hear what the speaker has to say Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge. P57

Fair communication No name calling No threatening to leave, divorce or other withdrawal strategy No needless assaults on the other person’s vulnerability (vulnerabilities that they each know so well) Levine, S.B. (2007). Demystifying love. Plain talk for health professionals. New York: Routledge. P57

who would you call and what would you say? … And why are you waiting?” “If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? … And why are you waiting?” Stephen Levine

Dido – Thank you (No Angel 2000) My tea’s gone cold, I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all The morning rain clouds up my window And I can’t see at all. And even if I could it’d all be grey But your picture on my wall It reminds me that it’s not so bad It’s not so bad. I drank too much last night, Got bills to pay, My head just feels in pain I missed the bus And there’ll be hell today. I’m late for work again And even if I’m there They’ll imply that I might not last the day.

And then you call me and it’s not so bad It’s not that bad and … I want to thank you For giving me the best day of my life. Oh just to be with you Is having the best day of my life. Push the door, I’m home at last And I’m soaking through and through Then you handed me a towel And all I see is you. And even if my house falls down now, I wouldn’t have a clue Because you’re near me and … I just want to thank you….