Problems, Conflict and Power in a marriage

What problems do young married couples anticipate? Communication Communication Jealousy - comes from uncertainty related to today’s attitudes towards relationships and greater flexibility in roles Jealousy - comes from uncertainty related to today’s attitudes towards relationships and greater flexibility in roles Fears about adaptation to parenthood Fears about adaptation to parenthood (according to a study done in Montreal) (according to a study done in Montreal)

What is conflict? The opposition of incompatible needs and principles The opposition of incompatible needs and principles Conflict Theory suggests that every couple faces 3 dilemmas: Conflict Theory suggests that every couple faces 3 dilemmas: 1. individual vs collective interest 2. women’s rights vs male entitilement 2. women’s rights vs male entitilement 3. “mine” vs “yours” 3. “mine” vs “yours”

2 issues stemming from these dilemmas Division of labour Division of labour Expressive quality of the relationship Expressive quality of the relationship In a companionate marriage, the goal is to maintain intimacy, so, fighting is usually about how issues affect that balance of individual/couple In a companionate marriage, the goal is to maintain intimacy, so, fighting is usually about how issues affect that balance of individual/couple

Power Power is the ability to influence the behaviour of someone else Power is the ability to influence the behaviour of someone else In relationships, the person who has the resources that someone else needs has the power (remember the game Catan?)_ In relationships, the person who has the resources that someone else needs has the power (remember the game Catan?)_

Over time Prehistoric time – power balanced – both men and women had their jobs to do – they needed each other Prehistoric time – power balanced – both men and women had their jobs to do – they needed each other Industrial society – men worked, women stayed home (their work was less ‘valued’ because it was seen as unskilled) – men had the ‘power’ Industrial society – men worked, women stayed home (their work was less ‘valued’ because it was seen as unskilled) – men had the ‘power’

Principle of Least Interest The ability to meet the social and emotional needs of another is the source of power that motivates individuals to reciprocate meeting each other’s needs The ability to meet the social and emotional needs of another is the source of power that motivates individuals to reciprocate meeting each other’s needs The principle of least resistance explains that the person with the least commitment to the relationship holds the greatest power, since the person who is more committed is more likely to give in to maintain the harmony of the relationship The principle of least resistance explains that the person with the least commitment to the relationship holds the greatest power, since the person who is more committed is more likely to give in to maintain the harmony of the relationship

Recent Study People who had taken a premarriage course offered by the Roman Catholic church identified these problems during the first 5 years of marriage: People who had taken a premarriage course offered by the Roman Catholic church identified these problems during the first 5 years of marriage: Balancing job and family Balancing job and family Frequency of sexual relations Frequency of sexual relations Debt brought into marriage Debt brought into marriage Husband’s employment Husband’s employment Financial situation Financial situation Household tasks Household tasks

How do men/women perceive conflict Men and women actually perceive conflict differently: Men and women actually perceive conflict differently: Symbolic Interactionism: men and women perceive the problems in a marriage differently because they express their emotions differently Symbolic Interactionism: men and women perceive the problems in a marriage differently because they express their emotions differently

Partner Activity With a partner, discuss the following statements – do you agree or disagree, and why? With a partner, discuss the following statements – do you agree or disagree, and why?

1. Is housework a ‘female’ role? 2. Do you think that women are more willing to make complaints and raise conflict in a relationship? 3. Do women expect more in a marriage, and do men feel ‘pressured’ to give?

Women are more likely to define themselves in terms of their relationships and how they are love, and consequently feel more responsibility for dealing with issues to maintain the marriage Women are more likely to define themselves in terms of their relationships and how they are love, and consequently feel more responsibility for dealing with issues to maintain the marriage

Another perspective Male communication is competitive and straightforward Male communication is competitive and straightforward Women like to relate to others on a more common footing – will make ‘soft’ arguments to seek support and view challenge as a personal attack Women like to relate to others on a more common footing – will make ‘soft’ arguments to seek support and view challenge as a personal attack Women complain and expect their partner to commiserate with them, but men tend to look for a solution Women complain and expect their partner to commiserate with them, but men tend to look for a solution

The bottom line, according to Symbolic Interactionists gendered communication patterns can interfere with solving problems gendered communication patterns can interfere with solving problems

John Gottman Based on his own research: Based on his own research: Most marital conflict can’t be solved, but it doesn’t necessarily ruin a marriage Most marital conflict can’t be solved, but it doesn’t necessarily ruin a marriage Successful conflict resolution is rarely seen – couples need to resolve each conflict as it comes along, but the basic conflict is still there and will recur Successful conflict resolution is rarely seen – couples need to resolve each conflict as it comes along, but the basic conflict is still there and will recur

How to deal then, with conflict Systems theory explains that each partner needs to be willing to change their own behaviour in order to maintain stability in the relationship Systems theory explains that each partner needs to be willing to change their own behaviour in order to maintain stability in the relationship Gottman: Gottman: Couples that remain together tackle specific problems in a positive manner – and allow themselves to be influenced by their partner, and giving in to the relationship when necessary Couples that remain together tackle specific problems in a positive manner – and allow themselves to be influenced by their partner, and giving in to the relationship when necessary

Money, Housework and Power Read the next section on p. 218 and answer these questions: Read the next section on p. 218 and answer these questions: 1. According to symbolic interactionism, what affects satisfaction in a relationship? 1. According to symbolic interactionism, what affects satisfaction in a relationship? 2. Why do men have greater power? 2. Why do men have greater power? How is this different in dual-income relationships? How is this different in dual-income relationships? 3. How has labour-division in the home changed since 1965? 3. How has labour-division in the home changed since 1965? 4.Describe peer marriage 4.Describe peer marriage 5. Read case study on p and answer questions #1-3, p Read case study on p and answer questions #1-3, p. 221