Conversations A locally managed sequential interchange of thoughts and feelings between two or more people. They are interactive and extemporaneous. Microsoft Photo

Pragmatic Problem- Consideration Conversations Casual Social Conversations Pragmatic Problem- Consideration Conversations Spontaneous interactions between people, with no planned agenda Conversational episodes in which at least one participant has a communication goal

Pragmatic Problem-Consideration Conversations Skipping a stage may provide less satisfaction Greeting and small talk Topic introduction and statement of need for discussion Information exchange and processing Summarizing decisions and clarifying next steps Formal closing

Characteristics of Conversations Formality – degree to which the conversation must follow rules, procedures or rituals. Turn-Taking – alternating between speaker & listener. Speaker can decide who’s next Nonverbally signaling our desire to go next We can self-select to go next by talking next We can interrupt Topic Change – method by which people introduce new topics Talk Time – fair sharing of speaking time Scriptedness – common conversations that happen so often they are routine, as if to follow a script (co-narration). Conversational Audience – who’s conversing & eavesdropping.

Cultural Variations United States Low Context Cultures Participatory – everyone joins in Include categorical words such as certainly, absolutely Relevant comments that are directly to the point Speaking one’s mind Silence is seldom good Japan High Context Cultures Ritualized, formal & structured Include qualifiers such as maybe, perhaps Indirect, ambiguous and less relevant comments Creating harmony Silence indicates truthfulness, embarrassment, disagreement 5

Cooperative Principle Conversations will be satisfying when the contributions made by conversationalists are in line with the purpose of the conversation.

Conversation Maxims Quality Quantity Relevancy Manner Morality Truthful information Quantity Not too much or too little Relevancy Related to the topic Manner Specific, organized, and understandable Morality Meet moral/ethical guidelines Politeness Be courteous

The Effective Conversationalist Presents quality information. Provides free information to enable others to talk. Ask questions that are likely to motivate responses. Credits sources. Practices turn-taking. Maintains conversational coherence. Practices politeness.

Effective Communicator’s “Bag of Tricks” Is equipped with information on a wide range to topics. Is willing to offer “extra” information when questions are asked Asks questions. Balances speaking and listening. Uses conversational directors like “Don’t you agree?” or “What do you think?” which draw the other person into the conversation. Keeps interruptions at a minimum. Makes sure that comments relate to previous comments by others. Is polite. Is ethical, authentic, empathetic, supportive, conforming, an active listener, and treats others as equals.

Empathy is the process of identifying with the feelings of others.

Approaches to Empathy Empathic Responsiveness – taking on an emotional parallel response of another, feeling “same” the emotion – sharing the emotion Perspective Taking – imagining yourself in place of another Sympathetic Responsiveness – feeling of concern, compassion or sorrow for another’s situation – “emotional concern” or sympathy – feeling a somewhat different, yet similar emotion

How do we Empathize? Actively attend to what the person is saying. Observe and understand both verbal and nonverbal messages, using paraphrases and perception checking to help you. Draw on your experience to understand the situation.

Reading nonverbal effective empathetic responses You can do quite well, if you concentrate! Nonverbal primary emotions such as happiness, sadness, surprise, anger, and fear are recognized with greater than 90% accuracy. Other nonverbal embedded emotions such as contempt, disgust, interest, determination, and bewilderment are recognized with 80-90% accuracy. (Leathers, 1997, p. 41)

Effective Support Messages Steps (research by Brant Burleson, Purdue University) Show your intention to help. Provide acceptance and positive regard. Express situation interest. Show empathy and understanding. Make yourself available. Be an ally.

Supporting messages – a statement whose goal is to show approval, bolster, encourage, soothe, console, or cheer up Recognize others’ good feelings and affirm their right to have them. Give comfort when a person has negative feelings.

Ineffective Support Messages Condemning and/or criticizing the other person’s feelings and behavior Imply that the other person’s feelings are not warranted Don’t tell the other how to feel Don’t focus attention on the yourself Never intrude by representing a level of concern greater than is appropriate within the relationship

Interpreting (Framing) Reframes information to help the other understand from a different perspective Information and Experiences

Using Other-Centered Messages Ask questions that prompt the person to elaborate on what happened Emphasize your willingness to listen to an extended story Use vocalized encouragement and non-verbal behavior to communicate continued interest Affirm, legitimize, and encourage exploration of feelings expressed by partner Demonstrate the you understand but avoid changing the focus to you. Women use other-centered messages than men. Rapport vs. Report Talk

Giving Advice Definition - Advice giving messages present relevant suggestions that a person could use to satisfactorily resolve a situation. In general, advice messages should not be expressed until our supportive intentions are fully understood.

Verbal and physical responses to people and/or their messages Feedback Verbal and physical responses to people and/or their messages Self-disclosure Sharing biographical data, personal ideas and feelings that are unknown to the other person Opening up the “Secret” Johari Window to another. 20

Johari Window Known to self Not known to self Open Blind Known to others Secret Unknown Not known to others W, p. 271; V / V, p. 76 21

Appropriate Self-disclosure Order Chronologically: Move self-disclosure to deeper levels gradually. Continue intimate self-disclosure only if it is reciprocated. Self-disclose the kind of information you want others to disclose to you Reserve intimate or very personal self-disclosure for ongoing relationships Self-disclose more intimate information only when you believe the disclosure represents an acceptable risk 22

Appropriate Self-disclosure Self-disclose the kind of information you want others to disclose to you Self-disclose more intimate information only when you believe the disclosure represents an acceptable risk Continue intimate self-disclosure only if it is reciprocated. Move self-disclosure to deeper levels gradually. Reserve intimate or very personal self-disclosure for ongoing relationships 23

self-disclosure has the greatest positive effects. Reciprocal self-disclosure has the greatest positive effects. 24

Women tend to engage in “rapport talk” to share experiences and establish bonds. Microsoft Photo 25

Men tend to engage in “report talk” to share information, negotiate, and preserve independence. Microsoft Photo 26

Masking Feelings Displaying Feelings Concealing verbal or nonverbal cues that would enable others to understand how a person is feeling Displaying Feelings Expressing feelings through facial reactions, body responses, or paralinguistic reactions 27

Describing Feelings Describing feelings is the skill of naming the emotions you are feeling without judging them Describing feelings increases the likelihood of having a positive interaction and decreases the chances of creating defensiveness 28

Why Don’t We Describe Feelings? People believe that when they say “I feel” they are evaluating others. No active vocabulary for describing feelings – p.240 Afraid that describing feelings makes you vulnerable Afraid that if you describe your feelings you will be judged Afraid to harm relationship Some cultures encourage members to mask their feelings 29

Giving Constructive Criticism Describe the behavior by accurately recounting precisely what was said or done, without labeling the behavior good or bad, right or wrong. Preface a negative statement with a positive one whenever possible. Be as specific as possible. When appropriate, suggest how the person can change the behavior. 30

Asking for Criticism Think of criticism as being in your best interest. Before you ask, make sure that you are ready for an honest response. If you take the initiative to ask for criticism, you will avoid surprises. 31

How to Get Good Feedback Specify the kind of criticism you are seeking. Don’t act negatively to the criticism. Paraphrase what you hear. Give reinforcement to those who take your requests for criticism as honest requests. Thank them! 32

Summary Disclosure & Feedback Skills Self-disclose the kind of information you want others to disclose to you Self-disclose more intimate information only when you believe the disclosure represents an acceptable risk Continue intimate self-disclosure only if it is reciprocated. Move self-disclosure to deeper levels gradually. Reserve intimate or very personal self- disclosure for ongoing relationships Feedback Describe Your Feelings Identify what triggers your feelings Mentally name your emotion – be specific Verbally own the feeling Own your Feelings – Use “I” Give Effective Feedback Describe the Behavior – be specific Highlight Positive Behavior Identify Negative (harmful) Behavior thru Constructive Criticism Suggest How to Change the Behavior 33