Falling in Love Ch. 6

Love and Commitment Love is viewed as the primary reason for getting and staying married. Loving involves the acceptance of partners for themselves. Loving requires empathy and commitment. Commitment is characterized by a willingness to work through problems and conflicts as opposed to calling it quits when problems arise; it involves consciously investing in the relationship. Committed lovers have fun together; they also share tedious times. They express themselves freely. They do not see problems as indications that their relationship is over. They work to maintain their relationship.

The Process of Falling The Love Prone The Rest of Us His Falling and Her Falling

How Can You Tell If It's Love? Misattribution of Arousal Some Tests of Love

Passionate versus Companionate Love The Emergence of Passionate Love The Experience of Passionate Love Measuring Passionate Love Different Kinds of Lovers From Passionate Love to Companionate Love

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Three components of love: Intimacy – close, connected feelings. Passion – drives that lead to romance, physical attraction and sexual consummation. Commitment – the decision to love someone and maintain that love. Three components develop at different times: Passion is quickest to develop and quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly. Commitment develops gradually.

Types of Love

Six Love Styles Eros Characterized by intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings or desires. Storge An affectionate, companionate style of loving focused on deepening mutual commitment, respect, friendship, and common goals. Pragma Involves rational assessment of a potential partner’s assets and liabilities. Agape Emphasizes unselfish concern for the beloved’s needs even when that requires personal sacrifice. Ludus Emphasizes enjoying many sexual partners rather than searching for a serious relationship. Mania Rests on strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity. It differs from eros in that manic partners are extremely jealous and moody, and their need for attention and affection is insatiable.

The Six Types of Lovers Erotic Lover ― Tends to focus on the physical, and particularly the sexual, aspects of the relationship. Storgic Lover ― Has a kind of quiet affection for the other. Pragmatic Lover ― The pragmatic lover may take careful stock of the other, including consciously assessing the characteristics of the other. Also a combination to some extent of Ludus and Storge. Agapic Lover ― Acts in behalf of the well-being of the other without expecting any benefits in return. Ludic Lover ― Views love as a pleasant pastime, but not something in which to get deeply involved. Manic Lover ― The manic lover is intensely preoccupied with the beloved, feels intense jealousy, and alternates between ecstasy and despair in the relationship. Combines something of Eros and Ludus.

Attachment Theory and Loving Relationships A secure attachment style is associated with better prospects for a committed relationship. An insecure/anxious attachment style entails “fear of abandonment” with possible consequences such as jealousy or trying to control one’s partner. An avoidant attachment style leads one to pass up or shun closeness or intimacy.

Types of Lovers Source: Based on data from Mickelson, Kessler and Shaver, 1997.

Three Things Love Isn’t Martyring Manipulating Limerance

Love Isn’t Martyring Martyrs may: Be reluctant to suggest what they want. Allow others to be constantly late and never protest. Help loved ones develop talents while neglecting their own. Be sensitive to others’ feelings and hide their own.

Love Isn’t Manipulation Manipulators may: Ask others to do something that they could do. Assume that others will happily do whatever they choose. Be consistently late. Want others to help them develop their talents but seldom think of reciprocating.

Love Isn’t Limerance People in limerence (infatuation) fantasize about being with the limerent object in all kinds of situations. Limerence can turn into genuine love, but more often than not, it doesn’t.

Love Threatened-Jealousy Who Is Most Jealous? Situations That Provoke Jealousy Consequences of Jealousy