2. CM 105 Unit 6 Seminar Revising Writing and Creating Effective Sentences

3. CORPORATE MISCOMMUNICATION

4. As Marketing Requested It

5. As Sales Ordered It

6. As Engineering Designed It

7. As Production Manufactured It

8. As Maintenance Installed It

9. What the Customer Wanted

10. 5-11 Creating Effective Sentences Use short sentences. Emphasize important ideas. Use the active voice for most sentences. Use the passive voice to de-emphasize the performer and/or to be tactful.

11. 5-13 Using Short Sentences. Sentence Length 8 words 15 words 19 words 28 words Comprehension Rate 100% 90% 80% 50% Source: American Press Institute

12. 5-14 Emphasizing Important Ideas Position important idea at beginning of sentence. Make sure important idea is subject of sentence. Place main idea in short sentence.

13. Put Important Idea in Sentence Opening There will be a meeting of all JOS and ES on May 23 rd to discuss the new vacation schedule. On May 23 rd, all JOS and ES will meet to discuss the new vacation schedule. New vacation schedule meeting for all JOS and ES: May 23 rd.

14. Make Important Idea the Subject of the Sentence Michelle wrote the needs assessment. The needs assessment was written by Michelle.

15. Put Important Idea in Short Sentence This announcement is to inform all Job Center staff that there will be a holiday party on December 19 th at 7:00 pm at The International, 786 Van Brunt, St., Brooklyn.

16. Holiday party: December 19 th : –When: 7:00 pm –Where: The International, 786 Van Brunt St., Brooklyn.

17. 5-15 Use Active Voice for Most Sentences Active voice: We lost money. Active voice: I sent the e-mail message yesterday. (Subject is performer.)

18. 5-16 Use Passive Voice to De- emphasize the Performer and/or to Be Tactful Passive voice: Money was lost (by us). Passive voice: The e-mail message was sent yesterday (by me). (Passive voice test: Ask “By whom?” If you can fill in performer, verb is probably in passive voice.)

19. 6 - 2 Revising for Clarity, Conciseness, and Readability Keep it simple. Keep it conversational. Remove opening fillers. Eliminate redundancies. Purge empty words. Dump trite “business” phrases. Develop parallelism (balanced construction). Apply graphic highlighting.

20. 6 - 3 Keep it simple. Avoid indirect, pompous language. Poor: It would not be inadvisable for you to affix your signature at this point in time. Improved: You may sign now.

21. 6 - 4 Keep it conversational. Formal: Our Accounting Department takes this opportunity to inform you that we have credited your account for the aforementioned sum. Conversational: We have credited your account for $100.

22. 6 - 5 Remove opening fillers. Wordy: There are four new menu items we must promote. Improved: We must promote four new menu items.

23. 6 - 6 Eliminate redundancies. collect together contributing factor personal opinion perfectly clear

24. 6 - 7 Lose Low Information Phrases at such time, at which timewhen due to the fact that, inasmuch asbecause

25. 6 - 8 Purge empty words. As for the area of athletic shoes, the degree of profits sagged. This is to inform you that we have a toll- free service line. Not all students who are registered will attend.

26. 6 - 9 Purge empty words. As for the field of athletic shoes, the degree of profits sagged. This is to inform you that we have a toll- free service line. Not all students who are registered will attend. registered

27. 6 - 11 Dump trite "business" phrases. Trite: Pursuant to your request, enclosed please find a job application. Improved: As requested, we have enclosed a job application.

28. 6 - 12 Develop parallelism (balanced construction). Not parallel:We can collect information, store it, and later it can be updated. Parallel:We can collect, store, and update information.

29. 6 - 35 What to Watch for in Proofreading Spelling Grammar Punctuation Names and numbers Format

30. 6 - 40 How to Proofread Routine Documents For computer messages, read on the screen in WYSIWYG mode (what you see is what you get) or, better, print a rough copy to read.

31. 6 - 41 How to Proofread Complex Documents Print a copy, preferably double-spaced. Set it aside for a breather. Allow adequate time for careful proofreading. Be prepared to find errors. Congratulate, not criticize, yourself each time you find an error! Read the message at least twice – for meaning and for grammar/mechanics. Reduce your reading speed. Focus on individual words.

32. 5-39 End