1. Chapter 7 Revising Business Messages
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e
Copyright © 2003

2. Revising for Clarity, Conciseness, and Readability
Keep it simple.
Keep it conversational.
Remove opening fillers.
Eliminate redundancies.
Reduce compound prepositions.
Purge empty words.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 2

3. Revising for Clarity, Conciseness, and Readability
Kick the noun habit.
Dump trite “business” phrases.
Develop parallelism (balanced construction).
Apply graphic highlighting.
Measure readability.
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4. Keep it simple. Avoid indirect, pompous language.
Poor: It would not be inadvisable for you to affix your signature at this point in time.
Improved: You may sign now.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

5. Keep it conversational.
Formal: Our Accounting Department takes this opportunity to inform you that we have credited your account for the aforementioned sum.
Conversational: We have credited your account for $100.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

6. Remove opening fillers.
Wordy: There are four new menu items we must promote.
Improved: We must promote four new menu items.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

7. Eliminate redundancies.
collect together
contributing factor
personal opinion
perfectly clear
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

8. Reduce compound prepositions.
at such time
at which time
due to the fact that
inasmuch as
Reduce to when.
Reduce to because.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

9. Purge empty words.
As for the area of athletic shoes, the degree of profits sagged.
This is to inform you that we have a toll- free service line.
Not all students who are registered will attend.
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10. Purge empty words.
As for the area of athletic shoes, the degree of profits sagged.
This is to inform you that we have a toll- free service line.
Not all students who are [registered] will attend.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 8

11. Purge empty words. As for athletic shoes, profits sagged.
We have a toll-free service line.
Not all [registered] students will attend.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 8

12. Kick the noun habit.
Wordy: We must conduct an investigation of all parking violations before we can give consideration to your fine.
Improved: We must investigate all parking violations before we can consider your fine.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

13. Dump trite "business" phrases.
Trite: Pursuant to your request, enclosed please find a job application.
Improved: As requested, we have enclosed a job application.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

14. Develop parallelism (balanced construction).
Not parallel: We can collect information, store it, and later it can be updated.
Parallel: We can collect, store, and update information.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

15. Apply graphic highlighting.
Letters, such as (a) and (b) within the text
Numerals, like 1, 2, and 3, listed vertically
Bullets, like ·
Headings and print options
CAPITAL LETTERS
underscores
boldface
italics
font sizes
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16. Measure readability.
Apply a readability test such as Gunning's Fog Index.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 8

17. Applying the Fog Index to Determine Readability
Select the passage.
Count the total words.
Count the sentences.
Find the average sentence length.
Count the number of long words.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 2

18. Applying the Fog Index to Determine Readability
Find the percentage of long words.
Add the results.
Multiply.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 2

19. Select the passage.*
Choose a continuous passage of between 100 and 130 words.
*See “Sample Letter,” slides 7-27 to 7-29.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 16

20. Count the total words.
Count numbers, dates, and abbreviations separately.
(Our sample letter has 110 words.)
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 16

21. Count the sentences. Count all independent clauses separately.
For example, He applied and he was hired counts as two sentences.
(Our sample letter has seven sentences, marked with superscript numbers.)
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22. Find the average sentence length.
Divide the total number of words by the number of sentences.
110 ¸ 7 = 16 words
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 16

23. Count the number of long words.
A word is long if it has three or more syllables.
Exclude:
Capitalized words
Compound words formed from short words (nevertheless)
Verbs made into three syllables by the addition of -ed or -es (located, finances)
(In our sample letter the long words are underlined.)
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 16

24. Find the percentage of long words.
Divide the number of long words by the number of total words.
10 ¸110 = .09 or 9 percent
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25. Add the results.
Add the average sentence length (16) and the percentage of long words (9).
The result is 25.
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26. Multiply. Multiply by 0.4 25 x 0.4 = 10
(The reading level of our sample letter is 10.)
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27. Sample Letter
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28. 1Yes, I can meet with you Thursday, April 3, at 10 a.m.
Sample Letter
Dear Mrs. Lawrence:
1Yes, I can meet with you Thursday, April 3, at 10 a.m.
to discuss possible ways to finance the purchase of a new
home in San Diego. 2Before we meet, though, you might
like to consider two possible plans.
3The first plan finances your purchase with a swing loan,
which has a fixed interest rate for a short period of time.
4A second plan requires you to refinance your present
residence. 5We have located five programs from three
different institutions that would do this. 6Enclosed is a
summary of these five plans.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

29. 7I look forward to seeing you Thursday to find a way for
Sample Letter
7I look forward to seeing you Thursday to find a way for
you to own a home in San Diego.
Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

30. THE 3 x 3 WRITING PROCESS
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

31. The Complete Process 1. Prewriting Analyze Anticipate Adapt
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

32. The Complete Process 1. Prewriting 2. Writing Analyze Research
Anticipate
Adapt
2. Writing
Research
Organize
Compose
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

33. The Complete Process 1. Prewriting Analyze Anticipate Adapt 2. Writing
Research
Organize
Compose
3. Revising
Revise
Proofread
Evaluate
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

34. 1. Prewriting
Analyze: Define your purpose. Select the most appropriate form (channel). Visualize the audience.
Anticipate: Put yourself in the reader’s position and predict his or her reaction to this message.
Adapt: Consider ways to shape the message to benefit the reader, using his or her language.
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35. 2. Writing
Research: Collect data formally and informally. Generate ideas by brainstorming and clustering.
Organize: Group ideas into a list or an outline. Select the direct or indirect strategy.
Compose: Write first draft, preferably on a computer.
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36. 3. Revising
Revise: Revise for clarity, tone, conciseness, and vigor. Revise to improve readability.
Proofread: Proofread to verify spelling, grammar, punctuation, and format. Check for overall appearance.
Evaluate: Ask yourself whether the final product will achieve its purpose.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 34

37. What to Watch for When Proofreading
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Names and numbers
Format
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38. Basic Proofreader’s Marks
Delete
Capitalize
Lowercase (don’t capitalize)
Transpose
Close up
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

39. Basic Proofreader’s Marks
Insert
Insert space
Insert punctuation
Insert period
Start paragraph
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

40. Unmarked Copy
This is to inform you that beginning september 1 the doors leading to the Westside of the building will have alarms. Because of the fact that these exits also function as fire exits they can not actually be locked consequently we are instaling alrams. Please utilize the east side exists to avoid setting off the ear piercing alarms.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

41. Marked Copy
This is to inform you that beginning september 1 the doors leading to the Westside of the building will have alarms. Because of the fact that these exits also function as fire exits they can not actually be locked consequently we are instaling alrams. Please utilize the east side exists to avoid setting off the ear piercing alarms.
use l
doors
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

42. Revised Copy
Beginning September 1 the doors leading to the west side of the building will have alarms. Because these doors also function as fire exits, they cannot be locked; consequently, we are installing alarms. Please use the east side exits to avoid setting off the ear-piercing alarms.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e

43. How to Proofread Routine Documents
For computer messages, read on the screen in WYSIWYG mode (what you see is what you get) or, better yet, print a rough copy to read.
For handwritten or printed messages, read carefully and use proofreading marks to indicate changes.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 40

44. How to Proofread Complex Documents
Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
Set it aside for a breather.
Allow adequate time for careful proofreading.
Be prepared to find errors. Congratulate, not criticize, yourself each time you find an error!
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 41

45. How to Proofread Complex Documents
Read the message at least twice – for meaning and for grammar/mechanics.
Reduce your reading speed. Focus on individual words.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 41

46. Evaluating the Outcome
How successful will this communication be?
Does the message say what you want it to say?
Will it achieve its purpose?
Did you encourage feedback so that you will know whether it succeeded?
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 42

47. Wordy Memo–Poor Document for Analysis 7.1 “Before” Version
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48. Activity 7.1: “Before”
To: All Management This memo is addressed to all members to advise you that once a year we like to remind management of our policy in relation to the matter of business attire. In this policy there is a recommendation that all employees should wear clothing that promotes a businesslike atmosphere and meets requirements of safety. Employees who work in offices and who, as part of their jobs, meet the public and other outsiders should dress in a professional manner, including coat, tie, suit, slacks, dress, and so forth. In areas of industrial applications, supervisors may prohibit loose clothing (shirt tails, ties, cuffs) that could become entangled in machinery that moves.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

49. Activity 7.1: “Before”
Where it is necessary, footwear should protect against heavy objects or sharp edges at the level of the floor. In the manufacturing and warehousing areas, prohibited footwear includes the following: shoes that are open toe, sandals, shoes made of canvas or nylon, tennis shoes, spiked heels higher than 1 1/2 inches. Each and every manager has the responsibility for the determination of suitable business attire, and employees should be informed of what is required.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

50. Wordy Memo–Improved Document for Analysis 7.1 “After” Version
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51. Activity 7.1: “After”
To: All Management Once a year we like to remind you of our policy regarding business attire. All employees should wear clothing that promotes a businesslike atmosphere and meets safety requirements. Office employees who meet the public should dress professionally, including coat, tie, suit, slacks, dress, and so forth. In industrial areas, supervisors may prohibit loose clothing (shirt tails, ties, cuffs) that could become entangled in moving machinery.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

52. Activity 7.1: “After”
Where necessary, footwear should protect against heavy objects or sharp edges at floor level. In the manufacturing and warehousing areas, prohibited footwear includes the following: open-toe shoes, sandals, shoes made of canvas or nylon, tennis shoes, and heels higher than 1 1/2 inches. Every manager is responsible for determining suitable business attire and for informing employees of what is required.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

53. Copy With Proofreading Marks Document for Analysis 7.2
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54. Document for Analysis 7.2
Dear Ms. Willis,
We appreciate you interest in employe leasing through U.S. Staff Network. Our programs and our service has proved to be powerful management tools for business owners, like you.
Our seventeen year history, Ms. Williams, provide the local service and national strength neccesary to offer the best employee leasing programs available, . we save business owners time, and money, employee hassles and employer liability. : r e ve = s ,
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 50

55. Document for Analysis 7.2
Your employees' will receive health care benifits, retirement plan choices and a national credit union. As a small business owner you can eliminate personel administration. Which involves alot of goverment paperwork today.
Whether you have one or 1,000 employees and offer no benefits to a full-benefits package employee leasing will get you back to the basics of running your business more profitably. I will call you to arrange a time to meet, and talk about your specific needs.
Cordially, e , n # 1
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 50

56. Revision of Letter–Poor Activity 7.3 “Before” Version
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57. Activity 7.3: “Before”
Dear Mr. Sato: Pursuant to your request, the undersigned is transmitting to you herewith the attached materials and documents with regard to the improvement of security in your business. To insure the improvement of security of your after-hours security, you should initially make a decision with regard to exactly what you contemplate must have protection. You are, in all probability, apprehensive not only about your electronic equipment and paraphernalia but also about your company records, information, and data.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

58. Activity 7.3: “Before”
Inasmuch as we feel you will want to obtain protection for both your equipment and data, we will make suggestions for taking a number of judicious steps to inhibit crime. First and foremost, we recommend that you install defensive lighting. A consultant for lighting, currently on our staff, can design both outside and inside lighting, which brings me to my second point. Exhibit security signs, due to the fact that nonprofessional thieves are often as not deterred by posted signs on windows and doors. As my last and final recommendation, you should install space alarms, which are sensors that look down over the areas that are to receive protection, and activate bells or additional lights, thus scaring off intruders.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

59. Activity 7.3: “Before”
After reading the enclosed materials, please call me to further discuss the protection of your business. Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

60. Computing the Fog Index
Activity 7.3: “Before”
Computing the Fog Index
The “Before” version has a reading level of Here's how it was computed:
Total words in passage
Number of sentences
Number of long words
Average sentence length (208 ¸ 9 = 23) 23
Percentage of long words (41 ¸ 208 = .20) 20
Add the results
Multiply by (0.4 x 43 = 17.2) 17.2
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61. Revision of Letter–Improved Activity 7.3 “After” Version
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62. Activity 7.3: “After”
Dear Mr. Sato: At your request, I am sending you the attached materials regarding improving security in your business. To improve your after-hours security, you should first decide what must be protected. You are probably concerned about your electronic equipment and about company data.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

63. Activity 7.3: “After”
Because we feel you will want to protect both equipment and data, we can suggest a number of prudent steps to deter crime. First, install defensive lighting. Our lighting expert can design both outside and inside lighting. Second, post security signs. Amateur thieves are often deterred by signs on windows and doors. Finally, install space alarms. These sensors look down over the areas that are being protected. The sensors can activate bells or lights, thus scaring off intruders.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

64. Activity 7.3: “After”
After reading the enclosed materials, please call me to further discuss protecting your business. Sincerely,
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 44

65. Computing the Fog Index of the Improved Version
Activity 7.3: “After”
Computing the Fog Index of the Improved Version
Total words in passage
Number of sentences
Number of long words
Average sentence length (134 ¸ 12 = 11) 11
Percentage of long words (19 ¸ 134 = .14) 14
Add the results
Multiply by (0.4 x 25 = 17.2) 10
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e 56

66. End
Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 4e