Presentation on theme: "Chapter 7 Love, attraction, relationships, and communication"— Presentation transcript:
1Chapter 7 Love, attraction, relationships, and communication
2What Is Love? Difficult to define special attitude with behavioral and emotional componentsdifferent things to different peopledifficult to measure
3What Is Love? (cont.) Zick Rubin's "love scale”(13 item questionnaire) Has 3 componentsAttachment: The need to be cared for and be with the other person.Caring: Valuing the other persons happiness and needs as much as your ownIntimacy: Sharing private thoughts, feelings, and desires with the other person.
4Rubin’s Love ScaleSubjects are asked to answer the following questions concerning their attitudes towards the loved one.If [loved one] were feeling badly, my first duty would be to cheer him/her up.I feel that I can confide in [loved one] about virtually everything.I find it easy to ignore [loved one]’s faults.I would do almost anything for [loved one].I feel very possessive toward [loved one].If I could never be with [loved one], I would feel miserable.If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek [loved one] out.One of my primary concerns is [loved one]’s welfare.I would forgive [loved one] for practically anything.I feel responsible for [loved one]’s well being.When I am with [loved one], I spend a good deal of time just looking at him/her.I would greatly enjoy being confided in by [loved one].It would be hard for me to get along without [loved one].
5Types of Love Passionate love (a.k.a. romantic love or infatuation) extreme absorption with and desire for one another.intense psychological feelingsLittle logic and reasoned considerationgeneralized physiological arousal, strong sexual desireIncreased heartbeat, sweating, blushing, stomach butterflies, etc.avoid conflict, overlook faultsfeelings of completenessshort-lived; usually occurs early in a relationship.
6Types of Love Companionate love less intense friendly affection & deep attachmentextreme familiarityReflected in sexual relationship; partners feel comfortable discussing what pleases one another and share familiarity and sexual trust.tolerance for short-comingsdesire to overcome difficulties and work through conflictsmore enduring than passionate love
7Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Love has three faces:Passion: motivational componentFuels romantic feelings, sexual desire, attraction.Intimacy: emotional componentFeeling of being bonded with other person; warmth, sharing private thoughts, emotional closeness.Commitment: thinking/cognitive componentConscious decision to love another and work through difficulties.Various combinations of the three components of love make up the different kinds of love.See triangle
8Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love All 3 components are important dimensions of a loving relationshipThe 3 components exist in different patterns and to varying degreesDifferent combinations produce different types of love.Can also change over time.
9Sternberg’s theories, (cont.) Passion component of love peaks early in a relationship, and then declines.Intimacy and commitment components build gradually over time.Conceptual basis for transition from passionate to companionate love.Growth in intimacy & commitment occurs as passion grows weakerCan sustain a relationship as difficulties arise once passion fades
10Lee’s Styles of LovingRomantic (eros): a passionate physical love based on physical appearance and beautyGame-playing (ludus): love is played as a game; love is playful; often involves little or no commitment and thrives on “conquests”Possessive (mania): highly emotional love; unstable; the stereotype of romantic love; its characteristics include jealousy and conflict.Companionate (storge): an affectionate love that slowly develops, based on similarity and friendship.Altruistic (agape): selfless altruistic love; spiritualPragmatic (pragma): inclination to select a partner based on practical and rational criteria where both will benefit from the partnership
11Discussion questionPART 1: How would you define love? Consider how love is different from “like.” Also, consider how love is different from lust.PART 2: Is sex better when the sexual partners are in love? Why or why not?
12The brain chemistry of falling in love Neurotransmitters norepinephrine dopamine phenylethylamine (PEA) oxytocin EndorphinsMorphine-like, soothing substances help produce sense of euphoria, security, and peaceCan cause us to feel good when with someone we love.Loss and neurotransmitter withdrawalThese brain chemicals are similar to drugs:Brain can develop chemical tolerance, causing the high felt at the beginning of a relationship to diminish.Withdrawal from neurotransmitters can cause feelings of anxiety, despair, and pain, like withdrawal from a drug.5 brain chemicals triggered when falling in love
13Why do we fall in love with one person and not another? ProximitySimilarityReciprocityPhysical attractivenessWhat common notion about attraction is missing from this list?
14Why do we fall in love with one person and not another? Proximity (geographic nearness)mere exposure effect (familiarity increases liking)with repeated exposure to novel stimuli (unfamiliar music, art, faces, etc.) our liking for the stimuli increasesfamiliarity breeds predictability greater comfortgreater proximity often reflects shared interests
15Why do we fall in love with one person and not another? SimilarityBeliefs, values, attitudes, interests, intellectlevel of physical attractiveness (fear of rejection?)age, educational status and religionrace and ethnicityWhy?share similar interests & activitiescommunicate betterconfirm own views & experiencessupportive of values & beliefs
16Homophily = similarity in personal characteristics
17Why do we fall in love with one person and not another? ReciprocityThe principle that when we are recipients of expressions of liking or loving, we tend to respond similarly.when someone shows that they like us, we tend to like them back.The cycle of self-esteemIf we feel positively about ourselves, we are more likely to feel that others also think positively of us--we tend to act more warmly to people we think feel positively toward us, which then often induces them to like us more.increases likelihood of relationship enduringIf it’s all “one-way giving” of compliments, expressions of affection/love, relationship isn’t likely to last.
18Why do we fall in love with one person and not another? Physical attractiveness"what's beautiful is good" belief:people perceive attractive people as more likeable, interesting, sensitive, happy, sexy, competent, and socially skilled.Having been treated better by others most of their lives, attractive people may in fact be more comfortable w/themselves.status by associationmost important in early stagesAs we come to know someone better, their “inner” beauty (or ugliness) often becomes apparent.may be an indicator of physical healthAll things being equal, people are attracted to healthy people.heterosexual males place greater valueAppears to be true across many cultures.
19Why do we fall in love with one person and not another? Sociobiology- behavior explained by evolutionary needs (Buss)men attracted to young attractive females to maximize reproductive successwomen attracted to older, established men to maximize reproductive success (security for offspring)Youth and physical attractiveness are, in theory, less important to females, because male fertility is less related to age than it is for females.
20Sex differences in mate selection Women more willing than men to marry someone:• better educated• older• would earn more• was not good-lookingWomen less willing than men to marry someone:• w/less education• younger• not likely to hold steady job• would earn lessNOTE: looking at graph, can see that these differences are not all that large
21Love and styles of attachment Attachment: intense emotional tie between two individuals, such as infant and parent, or adult lovers.It is possible to experience attachment w/o love, but love w/o attachment is unlikelyThere has been much psychological research on how we form attachments and the effects of different styles of attachment.
22Mary Ainsworth’s research using infants and the “strange situation” 1-year-old infants enter room with parent, then a stranger enters and begins to play with the infant; then the parent leaves.3 types of attachment revealed from this research:Secure attachmentParent is “safe base” from which to exploreInfant appeared to feel safe when parent left and confident that she would return.Anxious-ambivalent attachment (insecure)Hesitant to leave parent’s side to explore or interact w/strangerExtreme anxiety when parent left; ambivalent/resentful toward parent upon return.Avoidant attachment (insecure)Avoid parent; little interaction w/parent or stranger
23What accounts for differences in attachment styles? Combination of: 1) inborn differences among infants and 2) parenting practices.Secure infants: more likely to have parents who were sensitive and responsive to their needs.Fed infants when they were hungry (i.e. not on a set schedule)Cuddled their babies at times other than during feeding or changing.Insecurely attached infants: more likely to have parents who were less sensitive, less responsive, and inconsistent in their reactions to their babies.Fed infants on a set schedule or when it was convenient for parentsSometimes ignored babies’ cries of hungerAvoided phyical contact with their babies
24Adult intimate relationships and attachment styles Which statement best fits your attachment style?A) I find it relatively easy to get close to other people. I am comfortable depending on other people and having them depend on me. I don't usually worry about being abandoned or about having someone get too close to me.B) I find it difficult to trust people completely. I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. I feel nervous when people start to get too close. Often, I feel like people want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. I find it difficult to allow myself to depend on other people.C) I find that other people are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that someone I am close to doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this sometimes scares people away.
25Adult intimate relationships and attachment styles Which statement best fits your attachment style?A) I find it relatively easy to get close to other people. I am comfortable depending on other people and having them depend on me. I don't usually worry about being abandoned or about having someone get too close to me.B) I find it difficult to trust people completely. I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. I feel nervous when people start to get too close. Often, I feel like people want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. I find it difficult to allow myself to depend on other people.C) I find that other people are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that someone I am close to doesn't really love me or won't want to stay with me. I want to merge completely with another person, and this sometimes scares people away.SECUREAVOIDANTANXIOUS/AMBIVALENT
26Adult intimate relationships and attachment styles Impact of attachment styles on intimate relationships:(56% of adultssurveyed)(19% of adultssurveyed)(25% of adultssurveyed)
27Issues in Loving Relationships Relationship between love & sexseveral possibilitiesLove w/o sex; sex w/o lovequestions to askdoes sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship?do men & women have different views of sex & love?More women than men seem to believe that love is a necessary component of a sexual relationshipEasier for men than women to have sex for pleasure w/o an emotional commitmentThese differences seem to diminish with age.Possibly b/c older women are less susceptible to negative stereotypes of women who have sex for pleasure?
28Issues in Loving Relationships (cont.) Sexual orientation and views of sex & love:Stereotype among heterosexuals that gay men and lesbians have encounters that are primarily based on sexual interaction w/o genuine attachment, love, commitment, and overall satisfaction.Reflected in quote from textbook authors’ files:“I would not consider myself to be biased against homosexuals. However, I do feel some disapproval of the gay lifestyle, which often seems to involve casual affairs based more on sex than genuine caring.”Reflected in quote from anti-gay (religious) web site:“The average homosexual relationship can be characterized as highly unstable and promiscuous”
29Issues in Loving Relationships (cont.) Sexual orientation and views of sex & love:homosexual men more likely to separate love from sex; lesbians more likely to postpone sex until intimacy has been establishedPattern reflects overall sex differences in views of sex and love.Likely to arise from patterns of gender-role socialization that give more permission for casual sex for males than for females.The fact that some gay men engage in casual sexual encounters w/o love does not mean that gay men don’t value love; it simply indicates that some gay men value sex as an end to itself.Heterosexual men visit brothels. Prostitution is a thriving industry.falling in love with a same sex person often helps in gay or lesbian identityMany heterosexually oriented people have had same-sex sexual encounters that do not establish an identity as a homosexually oriented person; rather, it is falling in love w/a same-sex person that contributes to the development of a homosexual identity.
30JealousyJealousy: an aversive emotional reaction evoked by real or imagined relationship between one’s partner and another person.Many people have ambivalent feelings about jealousy and simultaneously consider it a sign of insecurity as well as a sign of love/devotion.People w/low self-esteem are more prone to jealousy.Negative consequencesprecipitates partner violencestifles relationship developmentraises anxiety, depression, angerSex differencesWomen: more likely to be jealous of attractiveness or popularity; Men: more likely to be jealous of wealth and fameWomen are more likely to acknowledge jealous feelings and men are more likely to deny them.
31What qualities do you think are present in an unhealthy relationship? Discussion question:In your opinion, what are the key ingredients in a healthy relationship?What qualities do you think are present in an unhealthy relationship?
32Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction Characteristics of high-quality love relationshipsself-acceptanceappreciation of each other's qualitiesmaintaining frequent positive interactioncommitmentgood & supportive communicationrealistic expectationsshared interestsability to face & deal with conflictSupportive communicationCompanionship, seeing partner as best friendSexual expression and variety
33Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction Individual and relationship growthgrowth and change maintain relationshipovercome obstaclesview problems as challengesnegotiate and renegotiate wantsaccept each other as unique
34Maintaining Relationship Satisfaction Sexual Varietycommunication is criticalbe spontaneousplan for intimate timedon't worry about frequency "standards"
35The Importance of Communication Good communication is a valuable asset in developing a satisfying, enduring sexual relationshipKey = mutual empathyThe underlying knowledge that each partner in a relationship cares for the other and knows that the care is reciprocated.
36Why sexual communication can be difficult Socializationmessages that increase shame & discomfort regarding sexualitylack of communication in the homelack of positive role models
37Why sexual communication can be difficult Language can be an obstacleLimited vocabularyHow we talked about sex as kidsTwo extremes of sexual languageEmbarrassment
38Talking: Getting Started (not just for the beginning of a relationship, though) Talk about talkingWhy is it hard to talk; is it hard for both partners? What might make it easier to talk about sex?Use the news & current eventsTalking about a news story, or (maybe something that you learned in this class!) can be a less personal, less threatening way of starting a conversation about sex.Read & discuss:the written word may be easier, less threateningBooks, articles, etc.; fun web site:Share sexual historiesAsk questions; could be about sexual experiences, or about sex education in your partner’s upbringing
39Listening and Feedback Active listeningActively communicating that you are both listening to and interested in what your partner is saying.Includes attentive body language & facial expressions, asking questions, commenting, encouraging partner to continue, etc.Maintain eye contactProvide feedbackVerbal reaction to message; ensures you have interpreted message correctly, lets your partner know how you feel in response.
40Listening and Feedback Support communication efforts“I’m glad you told me how you really feel.” “Thanks for caring enough to tell me what is on your mind.”Unconditional positive regardConveying to partner that you will still value and care for him/her regardless of what s/he says.ParaphrasingListener summarizes the speaker’s message in his or her own words.Several attempts to paraphrase correctly may be necessary.
41Discovering Your Partner's Needs Asking questions is very important--some ways of asking questions are more effective than others.Yes/no questions least informativeEither/or questions: some structure, slightly more informativeopen-ended questions: least structured, most informative b/c there are no restrictions on possible answers.
42Discovering Your Partner's Needs (cont.) Self-disclosuredisclosure elicits disclosuresharing of sexual fantasies can be exciting and informativeincreases sexual satisfactionstart with small disclosures & buildbe prepared to back offnormative male alexithymia
43Learning to Make Requests Take responsibility for your own pleasureMany people blame a partner if a sexual experience is unsatisfying rather than admit that they are reluctant to express their desires/needs.Myth that has been propagated in movies, etc: “When two people are really in harmony with each other, you don’t have to talk about your sexual wants. You sense and respond to the other’s desires. Talking just spoils the magic.”Make specific requestsEX: instead of saying, “I’d like you to try touching me differently,” say “I would like you to touch me gently around my clitoris but not directly on it.”Use "I" language not “You”
44Expressing Complaints Be aware of your motivationChoose the right time & placeTemper criticism with genuine praiseNurture small steps toward changeAvoid "why" questionsEX: “Why don’t you ever initiate sex?”disguised effort to attack the other person . . .Express negative emotions appropriatelyLimit to one criticism at a time
45Receiving Complaints Empathize & paraphrase Paraphrase--to restate the complaint in your own wordsPartner knows s/he is understoodYou know you understand correctlyAcknowledge the basis for criticismAsk clarifying questionsExpress your feelings about the complaintuse “I” languageFocus on changes that can be made
46Gottman’s constructive communication Leveling and editingLeveling: stating thoughts and feelings clearly, simply, and honestly with “I” language.Editing: avoid saying things that would be deliberately hurtful or irrelevant to the issue at hand.ValidatingAcknowledging the reasonableness of our partner’s concernVolatile dialogueCouples who never argue might be ignoring important issues, causing resentment and frustration to build.
47Gottman’s destructive communication CriticismDifferent from complaining; criticism is destructive, involves expression of contemptPresents a problem by attacking other person’s character.Contemptworse than criticism; involves name-calling, insults, sarcasmDefensivenessDenial of responsibility; constructing a defense rather than trying to discuss and resolve a problem.StonewallingRefusal to engage and provide feedback (silence, walking out of the room, turning on the TV, etc.)BelligerenceConfrontational, “in-your-face” type interaction
48Impasses Talking may not solve every problem Additional steps to take agree to disagreetake a break from each other, with an agreement to re-address the issuegrant each other their own beliefsconsider counseling