“Re-entering” your writing to improve depth, clarity, and organization

Highlight every other sentence in alternating colors. The creature’s eyes were but a black mirror, reflecting the scene of its’ death but seeing none of it. It made no sound and the crunching of the October frost that lay like a crystalline quilt over the field seemed decibels louder. It flapped once, twice, and was gone, a breathless, airy weight in my hands. But it had taken so much to kill it.

2 ) a box around the first word in every sentence. 3) “is,” “as,” “was,” “were,” “be,” “being,” “been.” 4)X out the word “very.” 5) a triangle around any of the "dead words" that we decided upon in class. Draw Circle Draw

Step 2: Sentence Leads Leads according to parts of speech: Noun: Edgar Allen Poe wrote "the Masque of the Red Death". Pronoun: He wrote it to show the uncaring nature of the rich. Article: The story fits into the Gothic horror genre. Gerund: Reading the story, one immediately notices that each room in the mansion has its own color. Infinitive: To avoid the plague was the prince's main goal.

More Sentence Leads Participle: Having escaped down to the hallway, the prince found that the Red Death still followed him. Adverb Clause: While the party-goers danced and talked, the Red Death planned their demise. Prepositional Phrase: Away from the Red Death the Prince ran. Adjective: Pale and frightened, the Prince was trapped and met his death.

Step 2 Application --Fold a sheet of paper in two. On one side, list all the Sentence leads that you marked. --Decide which of these sentences to revise to begin with a new and more interesting lead. Be careful that the resulting sentence is not more awkward than the original, and the revised sentence still makes sense.

Step 3: Revising Passive Voice --Passive voice occurs when a writer creates a sentence that sounds as if the subject of the sentence is not doing the action. --Passive voice often occurs when you use too many "to be" verbs. --Examples of passive voice: "He was writing the story to tell us..." "He was startled by the appearance of the Red Death at the party." "The Prince had been killed by the Red Death."

Can I get rid of ALL my "to be" verbs? - -NO! You can't always revise "to be" verbs--they are not always passive voice. Ask yourself, "is there any way I can make it sound as if the subject is the one doing the action?" You could not effectively revise this sentence: "The Masque of the Red Death is a strong example of the Gothic horror genre." The writer is simply stating a fact, and it is therefore necessary to use "is" because nothing is being done.

Revising passive voice "The Prince was frightened by the appearance of the Red Death at the party." This sentence can easily be revised: "The appearance of the Red Death (subject) at the party frightened (verb) the Prince (object)." This is an example of the typical English sentence structure: Subject comes first (who or what is doing the action) then the verb (the action that is done by the subject) then the object (who or what the action is done to).

Step 3 application Count the total number of "to be" verbs that you circled. Write this number at the top of your first page. You are now responsible for eliminating at least 1/3 of the “to be verbs.” When you have finished, write the number of "to be" verbs next to the original number of "to be" verbs. I will check to be sure that you revised 1/3 or more, and you must include these changes in your final draft.

Steps 4 and 5: Imprecise adjectives -- The words "very," "good," "mad," "bad," etc. do not really tell your reader anything. --From now on, these words are DEAD. They have been bludgeoned to death by overuse. Now it's time to find some beautiful new, shiny, precise words to replace them. --What are some words you can replace each of these with?

Some Suggestions for Precision Adjectives 1) Use numbers whenever possible--give the reader a specific idea of just how much there is; instead of "a lot of money," write "twenty-three million dollars." 2) Use other adjectives that are more specific; instead of "she was mad" try something like "her face turned red, the veins in her temples began to bulge through her skin, and it looked like she would explode." Show, rather than tell, your reader. 3) If you cannot think of a better word (try HARD first), add explanation of what you mean by the imprecise word.

Steps 4 and 5 application --Locate the marked words from steps 4 and 5. --Get rid of them! (unless they are quotations from another author, of course!) Replace these with more precise adjectives, specific numbers, or add explanation to more clearly show what you mean (this step is actually very easy). --You must include these changes in your final draft. I don't want to see any of these words in final drafts unless they are quoted from someone else.