Skills for Difficult Conversations

Purpose Strategies for you to use and to share with your students. Increase ability to  Advocate for yourself/your students  Create opportunities for conversation where typically we might be silent  Able to talk about issues of identity, power, culture, bias that affect each of us and your students  Use conversation as a tool for social change

Objectives  Identify a high stakes conversation  Articulate changes in the body and brain that occur during conflict  Explain and employ the STOP strategy for increasing self- awareness in conflict  Identify own tendencies when feel unsafe in high risk conversations  Identify the conditions for safety in a high risk conversation  Identify and employ three techniques for restoring safety

0 People feel misunderstood, offended, no progress on the issue 10 Great, effective conversation, the message gets heard

High Stakes Conversations Happen When:  The Stakes are High  Opinions Differ  Emotions Run High (from Crucial Conversations, Patterson, et al.)

Safety  People can feel emotionally or psychologically unsafe in these situations.  You might feel unsafe. OR the other person might feel unsafe. OR both! People can feel: Threatened Attacked Shamed Powerless Misunderstood Labeled as bad Not seen for who they really are

 Start with you

Role Play  Teams of two speakers and an observer  Notice body language, notice how your body feels

How to tell: Am I feeling emotionally unsafe in this conversation?  Our bodies react as if there were a physical threat.

Brain and Body in Conflict  Adrenaline surge  Blood diverted to muscles and limbs  Brain gets less blood flow  Hard to think clearly

Safety First: Bring the Brain Back Online with Mindfulness

STOP S = Slow down T = Take a breath O = Observe the body P = Possibilities Alexander Haley, Present Endeavors

How to tell: Is Someone Else Feeling Emotionally Unsafe in this Conversation?

Some ways that humans communicate when they feel unsafe:  Passive Communication  Safety is gained by not expressing honest feelings, thoughts and beliefs.  When threatened, you back down.  Benefits: ?  Costs: ?  Aggressive Communication  Safety is gained by dominating others, putting others down.  When threatened, you attack.  Benefits: ?  Costs: ?

If: You help the other person feel safe. Then: Maybe they will hear what you have to say.

Conditions for Safety  Mutual Purpose  Mutual Respect

Restoring Safety  Apologize  Name your mutual purpose  State your intention:  What you do mean  What you don’t mean

Try it out  Scenarios from earlier  Scenarios from your site

Books and Resources  Act on Life, Not on Anger, Matthew McKay  Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when the Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, et al.  Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior, Kerry Patterson, et al.  Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn

+ / Δ

Questions? Sinda Nichols, LGSW Program Director Minnesota Campus Compact

Assertive Communication  Communicating our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs in an open, honest manner  Alternative to being aggressive (abuse other people’s rights) and passive (abuse our own rights)  “I won’t allow you to take advantage of me, and I won’t attack you for being who you are”

Self Reflection  What do you have going for you, in terms of your current skills during tough conversations?  What would you like to do even better in conversations where you feel threatened?  What about when the other person feels threatened?  When was a time when you got through a tough interaction without resorting to passive or aggressive communication?  What was different about that/those times?