1. Crucial Conversations Chapter 6: Master My Stories Chapter 7: State My Path
Brian Freeman, John Kinsella, Mike Phillips,
Stephanie Salatin, Holli Thomas

2. Chapter 6: Master My Stories
How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared or Hurt

3. Gaining Control Take charge of your emotions
Emotions don’t settle upon you like a fog.
Other’s don’t make you mad
Once you’ve created your emotions, you have only two options:
You can act on them
Be acted on by them

4. Think it through
“The best at dialogue…aren’t held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions.”
“…they influence their emotions by thinking them out.”
“As a result, they choose their emotions, and by doing so, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results.”

5. Path to Action
See & Hear
Tell a Story
Feel
Act

6. Stories Explain What’s Going On
Stories create feelings
Stories are our interpretations of the facts
Even if you don’t realize it, you are telling yourself a story
Stories explain:
What’s going on
How
Why

7. Infinite stories
Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories
Things that can make a story change:
Tone
Attitude
Facial expressions
Body language
Time of day
We can tell different stories and break the loop

8. Get in touch with your feelings
Retrace Your Path
First slow down
See & Hear
Get back to the facts
Tell a Story
Analyze your stories
Feel
Get in touch with your feelings
Act
Notice your behavior
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9. Get in Touch with your Feelings
Knowing what you’re really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why
You may want to expand your emotional vocabulary

10. Analyze Your Stories Question your feelings and stories
Are you telling the right story?
Do you have the right feeling?
Don’t confuse stories with facts
Can you see or hear this thing you’re calling fact?

11. Victim Stories – “It’s not my fault”
Make us out to be innocent sufferers
The other person is bad and wrong and we suffer as a result
Victim stories are told in a way that avoids facts that might have contributed to the problem
Exaggerate the innocence

12. Villain Stories – “It’s all your fault”
We turn normal, decent human beings into villains
Overemphasize the other person’s guilt
Watch for the double standard

13. Helpless Stories – “There’s nothing else I can do”
We make ourselves out to be powerless to do anything
There are no healthy alternatives
Explain why we can’t do anything to change our situation

14. Useful Story
Creates emotions that lead to healthy action – such as dialogue
Include crucial information about us, about others, and about our options
Turn victims into actors, villains into humans and the helpless into the able

15. Differences

16. How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively
Chapter 7: State My Path
How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively

17. Sharing Risky Meaning
Do not dump your ideas on someone or say nothing at all
Rather…speak your mind in a safe way that others can say and respond to as well

18. Maintain Safety Confidence Humility Skill
Say what needs to be said to the person that needs to hear it
Does not mean arrogant or pigheaded
Realize others have valuable input
Humility
New information may change minds
Skill

19. } } State My Path Share your facts Tell your story
Ask for others’ paths
Talk tentatively
Encourage testing }
What }
How

20. Share your facts A “what” skill Facts are the least controversial
Facts are the most persuasive
Facts are the least insulting
Begin your path with facts

21. Tell Your Story A “what” skill It takes confidence Don’t pile it on
Look for safety problems
People start becoming defensive or appear insulted
Use contrasting words to bring it back to safety
Do not apologize for your views

22. Ask for Others’ Path A “what” skill
Once you’ve shared your facts and views, invite others to do the same
Encourage them to express facts, stories and feelings then listen

23. Talk Tentatively A “how” skill
Tell your story as a story rather than disguising it as fact
Blend between confidence and humility
Our observations may be faulty – our stories are educated guesses
Tentative language reduces defensiveness
Good
Not so good
“In my opinion…”
“The fact is…”
“I’ve talked with 3 suppliers…”
“Everyone knows that…”
“I’m beginning to wonder if…”
“It’s clear to me…”

24. Encourage Testing Invite opposing views Mean it Play devil’s advocate
“What am I missing here?”
“Does anyone see it differently?”
Mean it
“I really want to hear from you.”
Play devil’s advocate
“What if the opposite is true?”

25. Strong Belief You do not own the pool
We feel justified in using dirty tricks
What do you really want?
“The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior.”
Tone down your approach
Catch yourself