1. Assertiveness 101: Intro to Saying What You Mean and Meaning What You Say

2. Three Patterns of Communication b Aggressive b Nonassertive (Passive) b Assertive

3. Aggressive Behavior b Directly standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts and beliefs in a way which is often dishonest, usually inappropriate, and always violates the rights of the other person

4. Aggressive Behavior b Goals of Aggressive Behavior : ídomination and winning íforcing the other to lose b Winning is insured by humiliating, degrading, belittling, or overpowering other people so that they become weaker and less able to express and defend their needs and rights

5. Aggressive Behavior b Nonverbals intend to dominate or demean the other b Eye contact that tries to stare down, dominate the other b Sarcastic, condescending tone of voice; loud b Parental body gestures such as excessive finger pointing

6. Reasons People Act Aggressively b To get your point across b Don’t know another way to get your point across b For personal gain, control b To avoid your own personal responsibility b Low self esteem b Anger related to previous nonassertion b Don’t have other coping mechanisms b Reacting to another’s aggression

7. Consequences of Aggression b The other person gets defensive b Get rid of anger or other emotions b Lose friendships, other intimate relationships, damage relationships b Affect work, lose job b Lose respect

8. Nonassertive Behavior b Violating your own rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs and consequently permitting others to violate you

9. Nonassertive Behavior b Goals of nonassertive behavior: íto appease others íto avoid conflict at any cost b Message communicated: íMy thoughts aren’t important; I don’t count íI’m nothing; you are superior íI don’t respect your ability to take disappointments, handle your own problems...

10. Nonassertive Behavior b Evasive eye contact b Body gestures such as stepping back from the other, hunching shoulders, covering the mouth, nervous gestures b Voice tone may be singsong or overly soft b Hesitant speech pattern, nervous laughter b Gestures which convey weakness, anxiety, self- effacement

11. Reasons People Act Nonassertively b Avoid confrontation b Personality b Fear of hurting the other person b Fear of rejection, losing the other person b Avoid aggression b Self esteem b Lack of skills b Cultural differences

12. Consequences of Nonassertion b Not getting your point across b Nothing changes, problems can get worse b Damages self esteem b Can lead to aggressive behavior b Other people can take advantage of you

13. Assertive Behavior b Standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways which do not violate another person’s rights

14. Assertive Behavior b Goals of Assertive Behavior-- íto get and give respect íto ask for fair play íto leave room for compromise when the needs and rights of two people conflict íto communicate and develop mutuality in relationships

15. Assertive Behavior b Involves respect, not deference b Two types of respect: írespect for oneself írespect for the other person’s needs and rights

16. Assertive Behavior b Basic Message: îThis is what I think îThis is what I feel îThis is how I see the situation b This message expresses who the person is and is said without dominating, humiliating, or degrading

17. Assertive Behavior b Assertive Behavior is NOT: ísimply a way to get what you want ímanipulative íaggressive íirresponsible

18. Assertive Behavior b Nonverbals are congruent with verbals b Voice is appropriately loud to the situation b Eye contact is firm but not a stare down b Body gestures denote strength b Speech pattern is fluent, expressive, clear, and emphasizes key words

19. Assertive Communication b I language Communication--3 parts: íI feel... (describe your feelings) íwhen...(objectively describe the other person’s behavior) íIt’s tangible effects on you...(describe how the other person’s behavior concretely effects your life or feelings)