THE DATING GAME

What is dating?  Date: a social meeting between two or more people.  During adolescence, people become more aware of members of the opposite sex.  Teens want members of the opposite sex to find them attractive and likeable.  A date may be spent watching TV or dancing the night away. The activity rarely matters as much as the people who share it.

Back in the old days…  When your great-grandparents were young, only young men called for dates.  Dates at the time were special events that were planned well in advance.  Today, however, dating is much more relaxed.  Most people do not follow formal dating rules.  The word date may not even be mentioned when couples make plans.

Functions of Dating  Dating fulfills two main functions.  It helps you learn how to relate to members of the opposite sex.  It also prepares you for more lasting relationships as an adult.  Most people marry at some point in their lives.  Few young teens know what type of person to choose for a future spouse.  Dating helps them learn what traits they want in a marriage partner.

Stages of Dating  People tend to go through stages in their dating relationships.  In the first stage, people date in groups.  In the second stage, they form couples.  In the third stage, people tend to date one steady partner at a time.

Preparing for Dating  Childhood relationships prepare people for dating.  Many children have playmates of the opposite sex.  Such playmates prepare people to relate to dating partners.  People tend to treat their dates the way their parents treat each other.  For instance, many children see their parents respond to each other with warmth and respect, these children will likely treat their dating partners the same way.

Stage One: Group Dating  Young teens do not always feel comfortable around members of the opposite sex.  This is why many young teens begin dating in groups.  Group dating is less stressful.  A group date may be a planned activity.  For example, two or more couples may go to a dance or movie.

Stage Two: Early Pairing  After some group dating, teens feel more confident around members of the opposite sex. They worry less about what to say and do.  They feel secure enough to begin pairing off in couples. This starts the second stage of dating.  You are not likely to learn private details about your partner during this stage of dating.  A lack of closeness prevents most second-stage relationships from lasting.  Partners in this stage enjoy spending time together.  However, they don’t feel committed to each other.  Without commitment, a relationship is likely to end.

Stage Three: Steady Dating  A bond forms between partners in the third stage of dating.  Steady dating partners feel true love and concern for each other.  People in this stage focus less on their own needs and are more concerned about meeting needs of their partners.  The first two stages of dating prepare you for this last stage.  Knowing your needs prepares you to address a partner’s needs in steady dating.

Choosing A Dating Partner  A number of factors can affect a person’s choice of dating partners.  You must decide which factors will impact your selection of dating partners.

Physical Traits  A person’s physical features make the first impression.  However, they are not the most important quality in a dating partner.  People want to be liked for more than their looks.  They want to be noticed for their other strengths, too.

Age  Parents often have rules about how old their children’s dating partners can be.  Therefore, age is a factor for many teens when choosing a partner.  Partners who are close in age are likely to have more in common.  Young women mature at an earlier age than young men. The gap in maturity narrows as teens near adulthood.  In the early teen years, however, young women often prefer partners who are a little older.

Personality  Teens are attracted to dating partners who have pleasing personalities.  Many people look for a caring, thoughtful partner or maybe someone who is bright, witty, or outgoing.  You may have heard the phrase “opposites attract.”  It’s true that some people look for traits in a partner they themselves lack.  However, most couples have more similarities than differences.

Common Interests and Background  Many teens look for partners with whom they share common interests.  Having shared interests gives couples something to discuss.  A common background can provide a base for a solid relationship.  Background includes culture and home life as well as income and educational levels.  When partners have common backgrounds, they can understand each other’s past experiences.

Values and Goals  You may not think much about values and goals when you start dating.  You may not mind if they don’t have the same career goals as you.  As you form closer relationships, however, values and goals will matter more.  You may plan to marry when you are older and you will want your marriage partner to agree with you about important issues.

Dating Skills  A successful date is a pleasant experience for both people involved.  However, good dates don’t just happen.  They require some social skills that take thought and practice.

Being a Thoughtful Partner  Dating partners will enjoy being with you more if you are thoughtful, keep your partner’s feelings in mind when you are on a date.  Use good manners, remember to say “please” and “thank you”.  Keeping your partners budget in mind shows thoughtfulness.  Being a thoughtful dating partner also involves being honest.  Don’t lead your partner to believe you like him or her more than you really do.

Asking for a Date  Asking for a date takes a little courage the first few times.  Asking will be easier if you plan what you want to say.  Plan to explain when and where you’d like to go for a date.

Accepting or Refusing A Date  When someone asks you for a date, try to respond promptly.  Keeping the other person waiting is rude. He or she may need to make other plans if you cannot accept the date.  Think of the other person’s feelings when you refuse a date.  Remember he or she took a risk when asking you out, if you are not interested in dating that person, politely let him or her know that.

Dating Questions  Many teens have the following questions about dating: Am I in love?  Will the relationship last?  What will I do if we stop seeing each other?  Learning more about dating relationships may help answer some of your questions.

Infatuation  Teen’s feelings for their first dating partners are often called “crushes” or “puppy love”.  Infatuation: an intense feeling of admiration.  It is often based on physical traits  A young woman might have a crush on her friend’s tall, handsome older brother.  The phrase “love is blind” refers to infatuation.  It means you don’t notice faults when you are infatuated with someone.  You believe that person is perfect.

Love  Love: a strong feeling of attachment, warmth, and understanding between two people.  Love is less self-centered than infatuation, the feeling is based on more than physical traits.  Love is based on a total caring for someone; it touches every part of a couple’s relationship.  People who are in love enjoy being together, they have common interests, goals, and values.  They talk about their thoughts and feelings and make plans for their future together.

Serious Relationships  Many teens question how serious they should allow their relationships to become.  Dating only one person has a number of advantages:  A couple will grow to know each other better and will become more comfortable with each other.  Serious dating may also be preparation for a mature committed relationship.

Serious Relationships Cont.  Commitment: an emotional pledge to date only one person.  Many of these couples later choose marriage.

Serious Relationships Cont.  Steady relationships also have some disadvantages.  People take their partners for granted.  People may feel they are missing the chance to meet other people.  Partners have trouble staying interested in each other.

Serious Relationships Cont.  Some couples stay together only for reasons of comfort and security.  They may not want to “start over” with another partner.  These are not good reasons to stay in a relationship with someone.  These people may be keeping themselves and their partners from finding other, more fulfilling relationships.

Showing Affection  Teens see frequent displays of sexual activity in movies and on television.  Some teens say they feel pressure from these forces to have sex.  Your decision about having a sexual relationship should not be affected by movie actors or friends.  However, it will affect you, your partner, and your families.

Showing Affection Cont.  Your decision about how to show affection will be based partly on your beliefs about right and wrong behavior.  Different people have different moral values.  Along with your beliefs, you should consider some important facts.  Think about your goals for the future.  Consider how the consequences of sex might block those goals.

Showing Affection Cont.  Having sex can harm a person’s self-image.  Young teens may feel guilty for going against their moral values.  They may feel weak for giving in to pressure from a partner.  You can care about someone without having sex.  Talking with your partner is one of the best ways to show you care.

Breaking Up  Couples break up for many reasons.  Partners may find they do not get along as well as they thought.  Sometimes feelings fade and partners drift apart.  Mature behavior can make a breakup easier for both partners.

Breaking Up Cont.  Partners should tell each other in a kind, truthful way why the breakup is desired.  This will help both people preserve their self-esteem.

Parents and Dating  Most parents do not want to be nosy; they just want to be informed.  They want to be sure you will be safe.  Make a point of introducing your dating partners to your parents.  Communicating the details of your dates shows respect for your parents.  Because of their concerns, parents may set some rules for dating, talk frankly with your parents.

Parents and Dating Cont.  Ask your parents to let you help decide what rules are right for you.  Knowing your limits in advance will help you avoid problems later.  Parents can be a helpful resource in dating.  Remember, they have dating experience, try talking to them.  They can offer advice and answer your questions about dating.

The End!