Inner Healing for Self-Growth Presented by: James J. Messina, Ph.D. Available on: www.coping.us

So What is Your View of the World? Let’s see what Louis Armstrong had to sing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3yCcXgbKrE&feature=related 

Our Goals for Today! To assess if we are a “Can Do” people To identify what is low self-esteem and where it comes from To look at the behavioral patterns of Low Self-esteem To learn about Healthy Self-Esteem To learn the Tools for Recovery from Low Self-Esteem To use some CHILD strategies to move us along the path to a healthier more serene being

“I THINK I CAN” 5

Let’s look closer We find a little Engine at the beginning of the book chugging, puffing, and “ding donging” along as a happy little train bringing good things to kids on the other side of the mountain She was happy because she was carrying a full load of things which were good for these little girls and boys She had cars filled with toy animals, dolls, toy clowns, toy engines, airplanes, tops, jack-knives, puzzles, and books 6

Our Engine becomes Down & Out She also was carrying cars filled with good things for girls and boys to eat like oranges, apples, creamy milk, fresh spinach, peppermint drops and lollypops Then ALL OF A SUDDEN she stopped with a jerk and she could not get her wheels to turn any longer she became Down & Out! OH Boy! What were all the good little girls and boys on the other side of the mountain going to do without all these goodies the engine was carrying? 7

Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007 Down & Out Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007 8

Consider the Goal of Down & Out Down & Out was doing a service for others. She was not just delivering items. She was in the process of enhancing and enriching the lives of the girls and boys on the other side of the mountain Down & Out was not just doing a job, she was in the process of making life better for others Down & Out was being a Legend to those on the other side of the mountain for the good she was providing them Down & Out did not feel like she was working a j.o.b. She felt like she was on a mission! But our little engine became Down & Out 9

Are You Down & Out? Have you been experiencing: A desire to just give up and stop trying A sense of “is it worth the effort?” A feeling of being lost and abandoned, forgotten, isolated, alone……. If so then you need to become a NEW ENGINE to pull the train of your self-esteem out of the rut! 10

First up was Shiny the new passenger engine The first to appear after Down & Out broke down was the Shiny New Engine The toys on the train pleaded to Shiny to pull their train over the mountain so that the girls and boys on the other side of the mountain would have toys to play with and food to eat Shiny said: “I am a Passenger Engine entitled to only carry the finest of cars and people and there is no way I would pull the likes of your train! Indeed not!” 11

Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007 Shiny Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007 12

Wow! Are you a Shiny? Do you believe like Shiny that you are entitled to be given good things without putting yourself out to get them? Are you not open to doing more than the bare minimum to care for yourself and others? Are you not at all committed to a mission of caring for yourself so you can do for others in the process? Are you more focused on what minimally you need to do to get by? Are you self-absorbed with your “Poor Me’ness”? Are you a Shiny New Engine who can’t? 13

Well maybe BIGGIE the Freight Engine will help! After Shiny went to the round house where engines that are not busy go, along came BIGGIE a Big Freight Engine Again the toys and dolls asked him to bring the train over to the other side of the mountain to give the good little girls and boys things to play with and food to eat Well BIGGIE said he was a Freight Engine who had just done major work of great importance and that he would not pull the likes of the children’s train and he puffed off indignantly to the roundhouse 14

Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007 BIGGIE Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007 15

Yikes! Are you a BIGGIE? Are you filled with self-importance and wait for others to recognize your worth and value without extending yourself to others? Are you so full of yourself that you can only think of your needs and not the needs of others? Are you always on the defense lest someone ask you to do something that you feel is beneath you? Are you a BIGGIE who is a “little nobody who thinks of self as being a big somebody” but is one who can’t think outside of him or herself for others? 16

Yea! Maybe Rusty, the old engine will do it! As BIGGIE rolled into the roundhouse, the toys and dolls waved to a dingy, rusty old engine and asked for help But Rusty sighed and said that he was so tired that he had to rest his weary wheels Rusty went on to say: I cannot, I cannot, I cannot!... 17

Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007 Rusty Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007 18

Ugh!! Are you Rusty ? Are you so burned out and tired that you do not have the energy or desire to change even if the opportunity is great and rewarding in the end? Are you so blind by your being a “victim” that you cannot see yourself being a “winner?” Are you so worn out from the day to day struggles of your life, you have lost any vision or imagination of how things could get better? Are you Rusty who cannot, cannot, cannot? 19

Along comes Little Blue Little Blue was chugging along merrily when asked by the toys and dolls to carry their train over to the girls and boys on the other side of the mountain Little Blue was honest with them saying that she was not very big and had never been over the mountain and that she was only used for switching trains 20

Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007 Little Blue Center for Organizational and Relational Excellence ©2007 21

Little Blue has a heart for self and other people! Little Blue listened to the request of the toys and dolls and she was moved when she saw the tears in their eyes as they explained how the children on the other side of the mountain would not have any good things to play with or good foods to eat! Little Blue thought about the poor children on the other side of the mountain who would be going without and she… 22

Little Blue said “I think I can!” Little Blue hitched herself to the little train and tugged, pulled and slowly started off! Puff, puff, chug, chug Little Blue started off Little Blue was saying as she went: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can… Up, up, faster and faster she climbed until she reached the top of the mountain, down in the valley was the city with the little girls and boys… 23

Little Blue proclaims “I thought I could” “Hurray” cried the clowns and dolls at the top of the mountain-the little girls and boys in the city would be happy because Little Blue helped the little train achieve its goal! Little Blue smiled and said “I thought I could, I thought I could, I thought I could…” 24

So are you like Little Blue? Do you have your mind and heart open to “possibility thinking” rather than “impossibility thinking?” Do you allow yourself to put yourself out for yourself first and others once your needs are met, knowing that this is extending yourself well beyond your comfort zone? Do you allow yourself to be optimistic in your outlook and set aside the negatives in your life which could hinder your attitude and perspective on life? 25

So are you like Little Blue? Are you able to take risks to change the way you think, feel, and act in situations like Little Blue or are you stuck like Down & Out, Shiny, BIGGIE, and Rusty? Are you able to “step out of yourself” and show concern for your’s and others’ needs? Do you want rewards which are visible or can you be as happy with knowing you are doing good like Little Blue was feeling once she came down the mountain to the city with the train for the little girls and boys? 26

So are you like Little Blue? Are rewards, recognition, and appreciation from others the only way you feel rewarded in life or are you like Little Blue who is rewarded by knowing that you have done the right thing by taking care of yourself and others? So can you be like Little Blue and develop your “can do attitude?” 27

The Little Engine that Could by Walter Piper. Grosset & Dunlap 1978 The Website Home of The Little Engine that Could: http://us.penguingroup.com/static/packages/us/yreaders/littleenginetc/books.htm View original The Little Engine 1963 film at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnNVn5bPUXU&feature=related 28

What is Low Self-Esteem? Insecurity Closed to Others Poor Decision Maker Anxious Fear of Intimacy Not able to have fun Black and White Thinker Poor Anger Control High Need for Approval Lots of Guilt Lots of Depression

What is Healthy Self-Esteem? Sense of Productivity Sense of Autonomy Sense of Uniqueness Altruistic Leadership Ability Sense of Competence Self-Confidence Healthy Self-Concept Independent Thinker Self-Accepting & Loving Good Decision Maker

What Contributes to Low Self-Esteem Dysfunctional Environments Bad relationships Codependent Has Disability Non-supportive school, work Abused Conditional acceptance and love

What causes Dysfunction? Things more important than people Mental illness Major Losses Abuse Rigid feelings Ice Boxes Addiction Disability Big Pay Off

9 Behavioral Patterns of People with Low Self-Esteem Looking Good Acting Out Pulling In Entertainer Troubled Person Enabler People Pleaser Rescuer Non-Feeling

Looking -Good Hero High Achiever Over-responsible Driven Approval Seeker Looks together Goal: Denial of Problems

Acting Out Scapegoat Irresponsible Trouble-Maker Rebellious Poor - Under Achiever Anti-authority Self-destructive Caustic Goal: Divert focus

Pulling In Invisible Loner Bookish Quiet - Recluse Hard to know Aloof Avoid problems Protect self -overweight Goal: withdraws to survive

ENTERTAINER Clown Mascot Comic Relief Immature Hyperactive Not taken seriously Distracter Attention getting Talks a lot Goal: Divert attention

Troubled Person Irresponsible Addict Unstable Blame others Out of control Broken Con artist Denial of problems Problem for others Goal: Self-serving

Enabling Protect & Save others Over-responsible Co-dependent Nagger Covers up Controlling Demanding Goal: get troubled people to change

Rescuing Helper Motivated Victimized Stuck Irrational Loyalty Burdened-down Self-Negated Unassertive Goal: reduce tension, hurt & pain

People Pleasing Easily liked Placator Always smiling Outgoing Friendly Courteous Generous Fits in Works hard to please Goal: get approval

Non-Feeling Stoic Nothing bothers Intense thinker Low-Key Steady even-tempered No strong feelings Black & White Goal: deny feelings to survive

Impact of Low Self-Esteem

Healthy Adult Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem Recovery Model

So How About It? Do You Connect with Others? That’s What Friends are For?: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTcHT4zpAGs Your Social Support System is what it is all about as you Recover from Low Self-Esteem!

The Tree that Survived the Winter The Tree that Survived the Winter by Mary Fahy. Paulist Press, 1989. The Oklahoma Survivor Tree at the Site of the Oklahoma Bombing on 9:01 am April 19, 1995 see the memorial site and survivor tree at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxvigLADFaI

How Similar is Your Story to the Tree’s? Have you survived being replanted? Have you survived winters? Have you tuned into your inner voice? Have you a social network to rejoice in your successes? Have you spent time to heal the bruised feelings and emotions from your past?

Tools for Healing Low Self-Esteem TEA ALERT ANGER CHILD LET GO RELAPSE

TEA System Thoughts Emotions Actions

TEA System

ALERT System ASSESS LESSEN EASE OUT RELAX TAKE STEPS

ANGER System ACCEPT NAME IT GET IT OUT ENERGIZE RELEASE

CHILD System CALM HEAL INFORM LIGHTEN DIRECT

A Love Song for Our Inner Child Stevie Wonder sings our Inner Child Anthem: You are the Sunshine of My Life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2XUiVwAuas

LET GO System LIGHTEN NEED EXERCISE RIGHTS TAKE STEPS GIVE UP CONTROL ORDER LIFE

RELAPSE System RECOGNIZE EXERCISE LEARN ACT PROTECT SUPPORT EVALUATE

RELAPSE System

MIND-BODY CONNECTION BRAIN rational reasoning HEART-GUT involuntary organic systems heart rate pressure gastric acid adrenaline IMMUNE SYSTEM

The Velveteen Rabbit The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams, Double Day Publishers, 1922. Website: http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/williams/rabbit/rabbit.html The Velveteen Rabbit as told by Meryl Streep: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_m054tLKvs

POWER OF HUGGING BIG HUG KIND WORD A TOUCH THANK YOU FORGIVE ME CAN I HELP I’M SORRY CONNECTING AFFIRMING VALIDATING ENCOURAGE

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Siverstein. Harper and Row, 1981. On You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCmZ2jrQooE

MISSING PIECE HELPLESS DEPENDENT MANIPULATE SURVIVOR TROUBLED ACTING OUT PLEASER VIOLATES BOUNDARIES LOW SELF-ESTEEM

PERFECT FIT FIXER CARETAKER MANIPULATE INTIMDATOR IDEALIST RESCUER ENABLER CO-DEPENDENT IS VIOLATED LOW SELF-ESTEEM

BIG O SELF-CONTROL DETACHED LETS GO OF CONTROL NO CONDITIONS POWERLESS RESPONSIBLE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES ASSERTIVE HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM

The Giving Tree The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. Harper & Row, 1964 View original video by Shel Silverstein of the Giving Tree at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TZCP6OqRlE

THE BOY Always taking, taking, taking Never giving, giving, giving Always focused on own needs Never focused on needs of tree Always self-centered Never other-focused

The Tree Never taking, taking, taking Always giving, giving, giving Never focused on own needs Always focused on needs of boy Never self-centered Always other-focused – during boy’s lifetime

So… Are you the Boy or the Tree? Which would you prefer to be? Which do you believe would be the healthiest for you to be? What did you learn from this story?

Prayer for Serenity God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change courage to change the things I can Wisdom to know the difference living one day at a time enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace Taking as Jesus did this sinful world as it, not as I would have it Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to your will So that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen

Is the way to experience life to its fullest by appreciating each day HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM Is the way to experience life to its fullest by appreciating each day one day at a time

So What is Your View of the World? Let’s see Louis Armstrong’s words as he sings our theme: What a Wonderful World!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3yCcXgbKrE&feature=related