COMMUNICATION “Communication – the human connection – is the key to personal and career success.” – Paul J. Meyer

Emotional Growth  Are considerate of others  Accept pleasures gracefully and enjoy sharing them with others.  Channel emotional drives into constructive activity.  Accept disappointments and accepts with courage and composure.  Are confident of success and are willing to work for it and to wait.  Adjust to other people and create a relaxed and pleasant social atmosphere.  Are selfish and self-centered, with little consideration for others.  Constantly seek pleasures without regard for others.  Yield quickly to emotions in such explosive behavior as crying spells, depression, pouting, and temper tantrums.  Become angry or depressed in the face of disappointments.  Are impatient for success and often unwilling to work for it.  Fail to adjust to other people and create a tense and unpleasant social atmosphere. MatureImmature

Emotional Maturity  Self-control: accept and control passions, emotions, and desires; choose what is right.  Wisdom: understanding; insightful; learns from experiences; appropriate decisions; handles stress.  Responsibility: accountable for own actions, finance, work habits and reliability.  Independence: make decisions and observe consequences – to make better decisions.  Self-esteem: inner fulfillment, enjoys life, experiences ones self as a source of love.

Immature vs. Mature Love Story: Crush vs. Real Love  Mature Love:  “I need you because I love you, regardless of your flaws.”  Immature Love:  “I love you because I need you.”

Personality Types  Say what they think.  Stand up for what they believe.  Being assertive increases the likelihood of your needs being met.  Improves self-worth & control over one’s life  Decreases frustration/stress  Do what others want them to do.  Make up excuses for not doing things.  Often times are taken advantage of. AssertivePassive

Communication Styles Passive-Aggressive You manipulate others to choose your way. You appear honest, but underlying comments confuse. You are self-enhancing, but not straight forward about it. You are willing to compromise and negotiate. Aggressive You choose to make decisions for others You are brutally honest You are direct & forceful You demand your way Your underlying belief system is that you have to put others down to protect yourself. Passive You allow others to choose and make decisions for you. You are indirect and self- denying. You are emotionally dishonest. You are inhibited. You anxious, ignored, helpless, manipulated, angry at yourself and/or others

“If speaking is silver, then listening is gold” Listening

Are you a Good Listener?  Facing the speaker & making eye contact.  Giving verbal/nonverbal signs you are listening.  Offering suggestions rather than advice  Giving feedback to see if you clearly understand the message.  Not allowing personal bias to affect what you are hearing  Complimenting the speaker.  Looking around as opposed to at the speaker.  Interrupting the speaker.  Making unrelated remarks.  Giving unsolicited advice.  Putting the speaker down because you don’t agree.  Talking to someone else.  Attempting to top the speaker’s story with one you think is better. Good Listening SkillsPoor Listening Skills

Hearing vs. LISTENING Sense that allows you to perceive sound; physical act  Mental process that requires concentrating on sound; deriving meaning from it; & reacting to it. HearingListening

Active Listening  … requires the listener to understand, interpret, & evaluate what they heard.  How can I be an active listener???  Focus on the person  Be aware of body language (yours and speakers)  Be a selective listener (stay on topic)  Avoid labeling or judging the person

Continuing the conversation… -How to continue the conversation because you were an active listener.. -Active listening exercise -Gender communication handouts  Ask open ended questions!  Open ended questions all the speaker to say what they think or feel & it makes them aware you’re in-tune with what they are saying.  How, What, When, Where, Why (use with caution)  How did you feel when…  How could you have handled it differently?  When did that happen?  Where did it happen?  What happened next?  What could you have done differently?  Why do you think…  Can you tell me more?

“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.” – Elbert Einstein Conflict

 We define conflict as the differences between two or more people resulting from misunderstandings, differing values, causes, resources, methods, authority, or policies.  Conflicts are a natural part of life and should be dealt with assertively.

Specific Causes of Conflict 1. Communication issues 2. Assumptions made by one or both parties can cause conflicts 3. Performance problems; different expectations of what and how things should be accomplished

1. Identify the problem 2. Focus on the problem 3. Attack the problem not the person 4. Listen with an open mind 5. Treat the other person’s feelings with respect 6. Take responsibilities for your actions Conflict Resolution – Fight Fair

“I” Statement 1. When … (behavior) 2. I feel … (express your feelings) 3. Because … (reasons for the feelings) 4. So/therefore (make a request) Conflict Resolution – Fight Fair

1. Accept the feelings as your own, and then deal with it. 2. Be aware of what triggers your anger. 3. Learn how to calm yourself. 4. Analyze the situation. 5. Create/find a healthy solution 6. Learn to express your anger positively, using “I” statement. Controlling Your Anger

ABUSE

Abuse… … during dating is a guarantee of later abuse, and more violent abuse!!! If you have been abused, you are already a battered person. Seek help now.

Bad/Short temper Excessive jealousy Always right Cruel to animals Drug abuse Frightens you Pushes relationship too far too fast Pressures you to go against your values Family history of abuse – learned/victim Low self-esteem Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality

1. Have opinions & have them respected 2. Have needs that are also important 3. Grow as an individual 4. Change your mind 5. Not be responsible for your partner’s behavior 6. Note be abused 7. Fall our of love Your Rights in a Relationship

Abuse Cycle