Conflict and Negotiation Most of this material is from Beyond Reason, by Fisher and Shapiro.

Three ways to get what you want Love Force Trade

Negotiation is Trade We negotiate to get what we want “You can shear a sheep a hundred times but you can only skin it once.”

Emotions are Powerful They are also always present and often hard to handle. Negotiation involves both reason and emotion. What is an emotion? Everyone seems to know until asked to define it. It is a felt experience.

Emotions as obstacles to negotiation Divert attention from substantive matters Damage a relationship Used to exploit you

Emotions as an asset Positive emotions can help find common ground Positive emotions can enhance a relationship Positive emotions need not increase your risk of being exploited

Dealing with emotions You can’t stop them You can’t ignore them Dealing directly with them is complicated

Five Core Concerns Appreciation Affiliation Autonomy Status Role

Appropriateness We want each of the core concerns to be met appropriately, not to little, not too much. Fairness Honesty Consistently with circumstances

Unmet core concerns Make us angry, anxious, jealous, disgusted, guilty, sad, etc. Result: tendency to react negatively, withdraw, think rigidly, act deceptively

Met core concerns Make us enthusiastic, happy, hopeful, affectionate, proud, and calm Result: Cooperation, creativity, trust

Appreciation Find merit in what others think and do, and show it. Ben Franklin’s technique Failure to understand other point of view Criticism of the merit of their viewpoint Failure to communicate any merit we see Sincerity is crucial Act like a mediator

Three elements Understand their point of view Find merit in what they think, say, or do Communicate your understanding

Meta-messages I like this proposal

Communication Reflective listening Ask how the other person feels Role reversal exercises Help others understand your point of view Help others find merit in your position Use of metaphor

Affiliation Turn an adversary into a colleague Prisoner’s dilemma Actual or possible differences with someone else Word means to receive into a family; implies connectedness

Personal connections Look for common interests Look for common beliefs Look for personal similarities

Structural connections Age Rank Family Background Religion

Build new links Treat the other as a colleague –Informal setting –Introduce yourself informally –Importance of interests Make yourself indebted to the other Plan joint activities Exclude with care

Reduce personal distance Connecting at a personal level –Meet in person –Discuss things you care about –Allow others space –Keep in contact

Protecting yourself Check the proposal with your head. Check it with your gut

Autonomy Expand your own autonomy Don’t impinge upon theirs

Expand yours Making recommendations Invent options before deciding Conduct joint brainstorming Too much autonomy can be overwhelming

Don’t limit theirs Avoid unilateral decisions Invite input from invisible stakeholders ICN bucket system –Inform –Consult, then decide –Negotiate joint decision

Status Status can enhance our esteem and influence No need to compete over status Treat every negotiator with respect The “argument from intimidation”

Particular status Education Skills Experience Big-picture thinking Connections Social skills Etc.

Recognize their status Recognize that each person has high status in some area Ask advice

Acknowledge your status Take pleasure in your area of status Be confident about what you know

Know the limits of status Give weight to opinions where deserved Clarify status roles Beware of spillover Status can be raised or lowered

Choose a Fulfilling Role Clear purpose Personally meaningful Not a pretense

Make conventional roles more fulfilling These include: Academic, actor, analyst, chef, child, client, customer, doctor, executive, programmer, student, professor, technician, writer, etc. Redefine the activities in your role Name your current role Add/change/remove activities to make your role more fulfilling

Temporary roles Includes: Listener, Arguer, Problem Solver, Leader, etc. Become aware of temporary roles you automatically play (Jake LaMotta as victim) Adopt a temporary role that fosters collaboration Appreciate temporary roles others play Suggest a temporary role for them

On strong negative emotions They can sidetrack a negotiation Check the current emotional temperature Have an emergency plan ready Diagnose possible triggers Formulate your purpose

On being prepared Prepare

Seven Elements of Negotiation Relationship Communication Interests Options Criteria of fairness Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement Commitments