1 Criticism and disagreement Nurturing Parenting Section 10.5 GOAL To Increase Parent’s Ability to Use disagreement Instead of Criticism

2 OBJECTIVES To Help Parent’s Realize Destructive Effects of Criticism. To Help Parent’s Learn To Confront Instead of Criticize. To Provide Practice in Disagreement for Parents.

3 Differences Between Criticism and Disagreement a. Criticism leaves a person feeling badly about themselves. b. The person feels worthless, terrible, and inadequate as an entire person. c. Disagreement leaves a person knowing they have done something you don’t like, but still feels positive about themselves.

4 Differences Between Criticism and Disagreement (cont) d. The difference between criticism and Disagreement is the feelings the person is left with. e. Criticism uses blaming “You Messages.”

5 Let’s Practice a. All adults form into pairs. b. Each person will get a chance to experience being confronted and criticism by the other. c. Have one person identify themselves as Person A, the other as Person B. d. Have each pair identify an issue that is a problem for them, as the basis for practicing criticism and Disagreement.

6 Let’s Practice (cont) e. First, Person A should criticize Person B. f. The person being criticized cannot say anything back or defend themselves. g. The criticism should go on for 15 seconds.

7 Let’s Practice (cont) h. When Person A is finished criticizing Person B, switch roles. i. Person B criticizes Person A for the same issue. j. Again, conduct the exercise for 15 seconds.

8 How Did You Feel? a. How did you feel about being criticized? b. How did you feel about criticizing? c. Was there a position, criticizing or being criticized, easier than the other? d. Please relate an experience at home where you were criticized and was criticized by someone else. e. Share the feelings of both experiences.

9 Let’s Practice again on Disagreement a. All adults form into pairs. b. Each person will get a chance to experience being confronted by the other. c. Have one person identify themselves as Person A, the other as Person B. d. Have each pair identify an issue that is a problem for them, as the basis for practicing Disagreement.

10 Let’s Practice (cont) e. First, Person A should confront Person B. f. Remember, Disagreement does not tear people down. g. One way to confront someone is to use the “I statement” and to take ownership of one’s feelings.

11 I Statements “I statements” do not blame someone else for the way a person feels. “I statements” communicate a thought or feeling that you have, that is yours and yours alone. You own everything you say and blame on one.

12 Each parent fill in the missing words by writing the Following: I Feel _______ (state a feeling) when _______ (describe the exact behavior) because ______ (state the need that relates to that feeling and any thought or belief related to it). What I want is ________ (describe the exact behavior that would meet the need).

13 Let’s Practice (cont) h. When Person A is finished confronting Person B, switch roles. i. Person B confronts Person A for the same issue. j. Again, conduct the exercise for 15 seconds.

14 How Did You Feel? a. How did you feel about being confronted? b. How did you feel about confronting someone else? c. As opposed to being criticized? d. Was one approach easier or more difficult than the other?

15 Self Growth Lesson: Criticism, Disagreement, and Rules for Fair Fighting Use Parent Handbook, page 109. Arguments can quickly get out of hand when people use blaming “You Messages.” To ensure that neither person in the argument emotionally hurts the other person, follow the rules given below:

16 Rules of Engagement Decide upon a time limit before you begin and STICK TO IT. Decide how many “zaps” you will permit before you (or the other person) walk out. Choose one problem per session. Try to stay in the present. Stick to the point. Own your own feelings. Listen to the other person.

17 If people never confront others, bad things happen to them, such as getting walked all over, blowing up at their kids when they are angry at someone else, and not getting their own needs met. If people always confront others, bad things happen, such as not having any friends or anyone who even dares to be around you. So, a balance is necessary. PICK YOUR BATTLES!