1. Owning and Communicating Our Feelings
Nurturing Parenting
Section 8.4
GOAL
To increase parents’ ability to take responsibility for their own feelings.

2. OBJECTIVES To Help Adults Learn to Take Ownership of Their Feelings.
To Help Adults Learn Alternatives to Blaming Others.
To Help Parents Learn to use “I Statements” and “You Messages”.
To Help Parents Model Appropriate Communication Styles.

3. For the next hour we will focus on communicating feelings and thoughts without blaming others.

4. Let’s watch a Movie:
“Owning and Communicating Our Feelings.”

5. When Communicating With Children
When communicating with children, adults use blaming “You Messages.”
Blaming “You Messages” put the responsibility for how a person feels on someone else.
“You Make me sick”
“You make me so angry”
“You’re driving me crazy”

6. When Communicating With Children (cont.)
Children resent being blamed for the feelings of discomfort of adults. So they usually retort with something like:
“Oh yeah! Well you think you know everything and you never listen to what I have to say!”
It’s called an argument, which generally needs blaming and critical “You Messages” to feed it.

7. I Statements
“I statements” do not blame someone else for the way a person feels.
“I statements” communicate a thought or feeling that you have, that is yours and yours alone.
You own everything you say and blame on one.

8. Each parent fill in the missing words by writing the Following:
I Feel _______ (state a feeling)
when _______ (describe the exact behavior)
because ______ (state the need that relates to that feeling and any thought or belief related to it).
What I want is ________ (describe the exact behavior that would meet the need).

9. “I Statements” and “Constructive Criticism”
“I statements” confront someone on some issue.
Blaming “You Messages” criticize.
There is no such thing as a “constructive criticism” of a child.
“Constructive Criticism” is a term used to justify blaming “You Messages”.

10. Appropriate Uses of “You Messages”
To Give Choices: Stephen, you have a choice. You can clean your room now or later, but by 6:00 P.M., the room needs to be clean.
To Give Praise: “You really did a good job.”
To Gain Clarification: “Are you hungry or tired?”

11. Appropriate Uses of “You Messages” (cont.)
To Ask Questions: “Are you thirsty.
To Reflect Feelings: “You really seem sad.”

12. Opportunities to use the “I Statement”
Each adult change a “You Message” into an “I Statement”.