1. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Lesson 9 A Foundation for Good Communication

2. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Goals To evaluate communication patterns learned while growing up. To explore why it is so difficult to communicate effectively in an angry and aroused state of mind. To apply the time-out skill to real life. To gain practice with the Speaker-Listener Technique. To learn a simple problem-solving model. To create awareness of the need to nurture and care for relationships with regular appreciations.

3. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Communication Communication plays a critical role in building and maintaining healthy relationships. Communication is key is in developing intimacy- truly knowing someone and feeling connected. Research show that the ability to communicate and handle conflict highly influences the success or failure of any relationship over time.

4. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Communication Patterns Everyone has certain communication patterns that they use in everyday life. Some of these patterns are good and should continue, other patterns create conflict. Good patterns can be learned, as can skills for improving bad patterns of communication. Nothing has a greater influence on communication patterns than the patterns you’ve experienced growing up.

5. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Family Communication You learn your communication patterns from your family. Most families have neither perfect nor totally horrible patterns. It is essential for every young adult to take a serious look at his or her own family's patterns and decide what positive patterns of communication to keep and what harmful ones to leave behind and work to change.

6. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Communication Since humans are not born knowing how to communicate- communication is something you learn. You can unlearn negative patterns and replace them with more productive ones. We will work on discovering good communication patterns and how to improve our communication skills.

7. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Communication Patterns Questionnaire

8. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Thinking Brain vs. Angry Brain

9. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Angry Brains Aren’t Smart Brains Hypothalamus Secretes hormones to your nervous system to react- Fight or Flight Limbic System- in the Temporal Lobe Where emotions (e.g. positive and/or negative) are registered. Cortex Where logic, reason, perception, planning, and problem-solving take place.

10. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. The Brain When a person is angry, they are not using their “thinking brain” – the cortex. The cortex is where logic, planning, problem-solving, reasoning, and formal thinking take place. Instead their thoughts are coming from the lower brain stem- which regulates bodily functions, reflexes, and reactive impulses. The lower brain really does not think, it reacts- fight or flight.

11. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. The Brain When someone is threatened, under stress, or becomes angry or riled up they cannot access the power of their thinking brain. They cannot be reasoned with. It is best to walk away. Angry Brain = Not Smart Brain Thinking Brain = Smart Brain

12. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. The Brain Not until a person calms down can they return to their “thinking” brain. This includes lowering their blood pressure, heart rate, and stress hormones. This process takes at least 30 minutes.

13. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

14. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Time Out– What to Do 1. Recognize escalation is a 2. Say, “We need a Time Out.” 3. Do or say something to calm yourself down. 4. Come back to talk about it—wait at least 30 minutes, but no more than 24 hours.

15. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Time-Outs Time-Outs provide a way for you to get out of the situation that is being dominated by your lower brain. By taking a time-out you are giving you and the other person time to calm down and allowing the brain to go back to operating in a higher, thinking state.

16. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Anger Remember that Anger is neither smart nor powerful. You may feel powerful, but really you are begin controlled by your impulses. Getting out of that angry state by using our communication skill of time out can give you power.

17. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Angry Brain Demonstration Glass of water= our system NOT under stress, our brain is clear, and we are capable of making decisions and telling our body what to do. BUT WHEN WE ARE ANGRY….. Your system cluttered, there are not clear pathways. You cannot process information clearly. BUT IF WE STOP… You can TURN OFF the impulsive activity and calm yourself down. When your system begins to settle you can think and react more clearly.

18. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Empowering Yourself- The Time Out Skill When you are all riled up and you feel that someone is attacking or criticizing you, how much can you really listen to what the person is saying? Time-outs are a way to exit out, back off, chill out, and get back into your smart brain state. Remember that no can make you stay in a discussion that is getting you riled up. You have the power to remove yourself.

19. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. What do you say? “I need a time-out. It’s hard for me to listen right now.” “Let’s agree to stop for now and come back and talk about it tomorrow.” “Let’s chill a bit and talk when we’re calmer.” “I really want to understand you, but our emotions are running high and it’s too hard right now.”

20. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Rules for Time-Out 1. Never say “you” need a time-out. It’s pretty obvious that this will make someone even more defensive. Always say “we” or “I” need a time-out. 2. Decide to drop it for now and come back later- at least 30 minutes later but within 24 hours- to talk it over. Use the Speaker-Listener Technique when you do.

21. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Do’s and Don’ts for Time-Outs 1. DON’T rehearse negative thoughts or hurtful, vengeful comments you plan to make when you talk again. 2. DO try to identify what is really behind the anger. 3. DO have a few soothing messages to repeat to yourself when you are angry to replace the negative thoughts that can keep you angry.

22. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. During a Time-Out Remind yourself that you are: V = valuable, I = important, E = equal and W = worthy You can easily remember this by recalling the letters VIEW.

23. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Speaker-Listener Technique

24. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Speaker-Listener Technique Most people want to communicate, but don’t know how to do so when it really counts. The Speaker-Listener Technique offers rules and structure for keeping a difficult conversation under control.

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26. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. S/L Practice Prompts 1. Your school is considering bringing in school uniforms. What is your opinion and why? 2. Your school is considering doing away with the 3-month summer vacation and extending the school year to 12 months with shorter vacations spread out throughout the year. Do you agree or disagree and why? 3. What do you think about the death penalty? Why? 4. Should the drinking age be lowered to 18 years of age or stay at 21? How do you defend your position?

27. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved.

28. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. Taking Care of Relationships People of all ages want to feel appreciated by others in their relationships. You want to feel that others recognize the positive things about you. The break-down of a relationship involves not only the build up of negatives but also the decrease of positives. Researchers have found that people who have lots of positives in their relationships and who work at maintaining their friendships seem to naturally manage their own conflicts.

29. Copyright © 2007 by Marline E. Pearson. All Rights Reserved. What is it that you admire and appreciate about this person? What are the “gifts” this person has given you or what have you learned from this person? What impact has this person had on your life? Does this person have something to do with who you are today?