Perfect Daughters Adult Daughters of Alcoholics and Other Traumas Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.ODAPCA Norman, OK October 9, 2014

Why Survivors of Dysfunctional Families Are Not All the Same 1. Degree of dysfunction and the parental role parental role 2. Type or kind of dysfunctional parent/s parent/s 3. Different reactions to stress 4. Personality and perceptions

Why Survivors of Dysfunctional Families Are Not All the Same 5. Gender implications and interpretations interpretations 6. Age and developmental factors 7. Cultural considerations 8. Off-setting contributing factors

Dysfunctional Families Areas of Conflict Areas of Conflict Perceived isolation Perceived isolation Inconsistency Inconsistency Self-condemnation Self-condemnation Control needs Control needs Approval needs Approval needs Rigidity Rigidity Fear of failure Fear of failure

Gender Implications for CoA/ACoA Mother Father Both Daughters Sons

Gender Differences in Impact on Sons & Daughters of Alcoholics Daughters Sons 1.Both parents 1. Mother only 2.Father only 2. Both parents 3.Mother only 3. Father only

DYSFUNCTIONAL MOTHERS Impact on Daughters Role Models Role Models Relationships (women) Relationships (women) Parenting skills Parenting skills Gender Identity Gender Identity Trust Trust Trying to please Trying to please Shame Shame

Dysfunctional Fathers Impact on Daughters Relationships Role confusion Intimacy Sense of self Sexual abuse Perfectionism

Unintended Negative Childhood Lessons Perfect Daughters If I can control everything, I can keep my family from becoming upset. If I can control everything, I can keep my family from becoming upset. If I please everyone, everyone will be happy. If I please everyone, everyone will be happy. If is my fault and I am to blame when trouble occurs. If is my fault and I am to blame when trouble occurs. Those who love you the most are those who cause you the most pain. Those who love you the most are those who cause you the most pain. If I don’t get too close emotionally, you cannot hurt me. If I don’t get too close emotionally, you cannot hurt me.

It is my responsibility to insure that everyone in the family gets along with each other. Take care of others first. Nothing is wrong, but I don’t feel right. Expressing anger is not appropriate. Something is missing in my life.

I’m unique and my family is different from all other families. I can deny anything. I am not a good person. I am responsible for the success of a relationship. For something to be acceptable it must be perfect.

Unintended Positive Childhood Lessons I am a survivor, I can survive trauma. I am a survivor, I can survive trauma. I have developed competencies in many areas of my life. I have developed competencies in many areas of my life. I can handle crisis. I can handle crisis. I have a good sense of humor. I have a good sense of humor. I can take care of myself. I can take care of myself. I am not easily discouraged. I am not easily discouraged. I can find alternatives to problems. I can find alternatives to problems.

I am not afraid to rely on my abilities. I can be healthy when others are not. I do have choices. I can be depended upon. I appreciate my inner strength. I know what I want. I am a good person. I may not be perfect, but parts of me are great.

Relationship Concerns for Women Unwilling to trust her own judgment Unwilling to trust her own judgment Not having her intimacy needs met Not having her intimacy needs met Feelings of low self-worth Feelings of low self-worth Feeling overly responsible for the success of a relationship Feeling overly responsible for the success of a relationship Picking the wrong person Picking the wrong person

Characteristics of Unhealthy Relationships No longer fun No longer fun Partners feel controlled Partners feel controlled Jealousy Jealousy Apathy Apathy Silent treatment Silent treatment Unfaithfulness Unfaithfulness Feelings of being taken for granted Feelings of being taken for granted Relationships is one-sided Relationships is one-sided Lack of communication Lack of communication Resentment Resentment

High Risk Relationships What Makes Them Attractive? Freedom Freedom Exciting Exciting Feeling needed Feeling needed Exclusivity Exclusivity Seductiveness Seductiveness

High Risk Relationship Characteristics Control Control A high risk partner A high risk partner Magnet to stay Magnet to stay You are a high risk person You are a high risk person

Why Do They Stay? Family background Family background Fear Fear Dependency Dependency Denial Denial Lack of support Lack of support Isolation Isolation Social expectations Social expectations

Safety Safety Learned helplessness Learned helplessness She/he loves the partner She/he loves the partner The partner will change The partner will change

Feelings “If this is love, why do I feel so bad?” It’s the wrong person for you if you feel: Pressured Pressured Confused Confused Guilty, like you’re not good enough Guilty, like you’re not good enough Angry Angry uncomfortable uncomfortable

Forms of Intimacy Intimacy and variety Intimacy and variety Intimacy and value Intimacy and value Intimacy and exclusivity Intimacy and exclusivity Intimacy and a sense of “we” Intimacy and a sense of “we” YouMe Us Us

Achieving Positive Emotional Intimacy Transform low self-esteem to high self- esteem Transform low self-esteem to high self- esteem Change the inability to trust to the ability to trust Change the inability to trust to the ability to trust Change from triangulation to direct communication Change from triangulation to direct communication Reduce overly controlling behavior to the proper amount of control Reduce overly controlling behavior to the proper amount of control

Reduce macro responsibility to reasonable amount of responsibility Reduce macro responsibility to reasonable amount of responsibility Overcome compassion fatigue and learn to feel again Overcome compassion fatigue and learn to feel again Go off your emotional diet Go off your emotional diet Overcome the inability to receive Overcome the inability to receive Learn to say, “NO” Learn to say, “NO” Don’t overly process Don’t overly process

Take time for yourself Take time for yourself Remember to do the small things Remember to do the small things Have fun and passion Have fun and passion Ask for what you need Ask for what you need Practice your relationship skills outside of your romantic relationship Practice your relationship skills outside of your romantic relationship

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships They are fun They are fun Free from “me phobia” Free from “me phobia” Partners can receive Partners can receive Energy is invested in the relationship Energy is invested in the relationship Adequate processing Adequate processing Trust Trust Free from abuse Free from abuse Problems are not denied Problems are not denied Friendship Friendship

Perfect Daughters and Parenting Concerns Control Control I don’t know how! I don’t know how! Lack of consistency Lack of consistency Not being able to meet your child’s needs Not being able to meet your child’s needs

Strategies for Raising Your Confidence as a Parent *Learn to be comfortable being in charge *Identify what you want to teach *Learn about human development *Learn about your children's problems *Know when and how to get help

*Talk with other parents *Learn how to parent together *Learn to say, "No!" *Learn when and how to protect yourself *Rely on commonsense

Recovery Lag *not all individuals/families are affected the same way *not all parts of the individual/family will need intervention *not all individuals/family will respond the same way to treatment *not all personal or family issues/problems will recover at the same rate *not all members of the family will need the same amount of support *not all individuals/families will recover to the same degree