Long Distance Relationships Unlocking the Secrets to a Happy & Healthy Relationship When Couples Have to Be Apart Gregory Guldner, MD, MS

Goals Enable therapists, counselors, educators, and other advisors to understand, assess, and support couples in long distance romantic relationships. Expose an expert audience of professionals to the current state-of-the-art research-based understanding of long distance relationships.

Objectives Understand LDRs: Defining LDRs Prevalence of LDRs Do LDRs work? Difficulties with LDRs Advantages of LDRs

Objectives Assess Separation Inventory Demographics Personality Support System Relationship Separation Inventory

Objectives Support Support Stages of Separation Staying emotionally healthy Staying intimate Sexuality while separated Support Communicating Conflict at a distance Sexual Affairs Hellos/Goodbyes Gender differences Ending the separation

Background Clinical Psychology Research Focus Personal Experience Propinquity & Dating Relationships, Purdue University, Dept of Psychology, 1992 Time Spent Together and Relationship Quality, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships; 12, 1995 Long Distance Romantic Relationships, Journal of College Student Development; 37, 1996 Long Distance Relationships and Emergency Medicine Residency, Annals of Emergency Medicine; 37, 2001 Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide. 2003:JFMilne Personal Experience

Long Distance Relationships Understand LDRs Assess LDRs Support LDRs

Understanding LDRs Understand Defining LDRs Prevalence of LDRs Do LDRs work? Difficulties with LDRs Advantages of LDRs

Defining an LDR Specific distance cut-off Specific location cut-off Self-defining My partner lives far enough away from me that it would be very difficult or impossible for us to see one another every day.

Understanding LDRs Understand Defining LDRs Prevalence of LDRs Do LDRs work? Difficulties with LDRs Advantages of LDRs

Prevalence of LDRs Marital LDRs Pre-Marital College Student

Married and Living Apart (%) Age & Year Caucasian Minority Age 18-24 1960 6 13 1970 6.5 14.5 1980 5 16.5 Age 25-34 2.5 8 2 1.5 Age 35-44 1 4

Married and Living Apart National Longitudinal Study of the High School Class of 1972 3.31% of 7191 married respondents were living in a different location than spouse Of military marriages 27% of White and 63% of African-American couples were living apart. 10% of all job relocations result in long distance marriages (1998) and 52% of employers expect transfers to increase.

Pre-Marital LDRs College Students Internet Dating Military Certain Industries Oil Fishing Logging College Students 25-40% (1993) 50% of First Years (1992) 33% (1987) 25% at any given time and 78% at any point (1996)

Understanding LDRs Understand Defining LDRs Prevalence of LDRs Do LDRs work? Difficulties with LDRs Advantages of LDRs

Do LDRs Work? Marriage or Pre-Marital? Military / combat or Civilian? What does it mean “to work”? Continuity (break-up rate over time) Quality (satisfaction, intimacy, etc)

Do LDRs Break-up More Frequently than PRs? Pre-marital studies have found no greater rate of dissolution in LDRs than PRs Guldner. J. College Student Dev, 1996;37;289-295 Van Horn, et al. Personal Relationships, 1997;4;25-34 Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279 Stephen. Journal of Divorce, 1984;8;1-17 No adequate data on marital LDRs Rindfuss & Stephen. J. Marriage and the Family, 1990;52;259-270.

Do LDRs Have Poorer Quality Relationships Than Do PRs? The majority of studies show no differences between LDRs and PRs on measures of Satisfaction Intimacy Trust Commitment Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320 Govaerts & Dixon. Int. J. Adv. Counseling. 1988l;11;265-281 Stafford & Reske. Family Relations, 1990;39;274-279 Woelfel & Savell. Military Families. 1978;17-31 Gerstel & Gross. Commuter Marriage. 1984. Stephen. Human Com Res. 1986; 13;191-210 Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219 Timmerman. Doctoral Thesis. U. of Texas. 2001.

Understanding LDRs Understand Defining LDRs Prevalence of LDRs Do LDRs work? Difficulties with LDRs Advantages of LDRs

Difficulties Associated with LDRs The Individual Depression Military Separations Clinical Depression Civilian Guldner, GT. Long Distance Romantic Relationships: Prevalence and Separation-related Symptoms. J College Student Development, 1996; 37; 289-295. Clinical Depression no more likely in LDR than in PR Minor Depressive symptoms common Feeling blue, lack of interest, difficulty making decisions, difficulty concentrating

Difficulties Associated with LDRs The Individual Anxiety Uncertainty Jealousy / Sexual Affairs Dis-inhibition (loss of support) Guilt Violating norms Choice of career “over” relationship Emotional “rollercoaster”

Difficulties Associated with LDRs The Relationship Myths (Dissolution, Quality, Finances) Relationship momentum slowed Progress toward marriage more slowly Break-up more slowly Idealization and Disillusionment Difficulties in Communication Sexuality at a Distance Re-integration Assessment of the Status of the Relationship

Understanding LDRs Understand Defining LDRs Prevalence of LDRs Do LDRs work? Difficulties with LDRs Advantages of LDRs

Advantages of an LDR Individual Productivity Novelty Avoids the “taken-for-granted” aspect of PRs Plan exciting activities Compartmentalization Intimacy / autonomy fulfillment Idealization

Long Distance Relationships Understand LDRs Assess LDRs Support LDRs

Assessing an LDR Personality Demographics Support System Relationship Characteristics

Assessing LDRs Assess Separation Inventory Demographics Personality Support System Relationship Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Demographics Least important of the four components Frequency of face-to-face visits not correlated Frequency of telephone calls negatively correlated with satisfaction Frequency of letters predicts satisfaction

Assessing an LDR: Demographics Other demographics Total duration of the relationship Duration of Separation Duration as a PR prior to LDR Distance Age

Assessing LDRs Assess Separation Inventory Demographics Personality Support System Relationship Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Personality Learning Style Inventory Visualizers Verbalizers Touchers Attachment Styles Secure Avoidant Ambivalent / Anxious

Assessing an LDR: Personality Self-Esteem Low self-esteem predicts more difficulty with separation Low self-esteem predicts poor relationship quality among LDRs but not PRs Independence Optimism Trust Telephone and Letter Habits

Assessing LDRs Assess Separation Inventory Demographics Personality Support System Relationship Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Support Types of Support Emotional Appraisal Informational Instrumental Sources of Support Partner Family Friends Context Those in LDRs often isolate themselves from support Distraction Awkwardness Depression Ambiguous status

Assessing LDRs Assess Separation Inventory Demographics Personality Support System Relationship Separation Inventory

Assessing an LDR: Relationship Issues specific to LDRs Communication issues Expectations Conflict Management Telephone

Long Distance Relationships Understand LDRs Assess LDRs Support LDRs

Supporting LDRs Emotional Stages of Separation Staying Emotionally Healthy Maintaining Intimacy Frequency of Contact Hellos & Goodbyes Conflict at a Distance Long Distance Sex Sexual Affairs Dating Others Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting LDRs: Understanding Separation Emotional Stages of Separation Bowlby / Animal Studies / Evolutionary Psych Protest (Anger, Bargaining) Despair (Depression to various degrees) Detachment (Productive or Destructive) Kubler-Ross Denial and Isolation Anger Bargaining Depression Acceptance

Supporting LDRs Emotional Stages of Separation Staying Emotionally Healthy Maintaining Intimacy Frequency of Contact Hellos & Goodbyes Conflict at a Distance Long Distance Sex Sexual Affairs Dating Others Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting LDRs: Staying Emotionally Healthy Ten Step Program Maintain a satisfying relationship Socialize Emotional vs. Social Loneliness Find a Confidant Touching Take Control

Supporting LDRs: Staying Emotionally Healthy Ten Step Program Positive Thinking / Reframing View the Separation as Temporary Acknowledge Contributions Transitional Objects Healthy Sexuality

Supporting LDRs Emotional Stages of Separation Staying Emotionally Healthy Maintaining Intimacy Frequency of Contact Hellos & Goodbyes Conflict at a Distance Long Distance Sex Sexual Affairs Dating Others Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting an LDR: Keys to Maintaining Intimacy Intimacy Components Emotional Sharing Interrelatedness LDRs may do this more easily than PRs Central Issue for LDR Intimacy Focus on the mundane Serial vs. Parallel Communication

Supporting LDRs Emotional Stages of Separation Staying Emotionally Healthy Maintaining Intimacy Frequency of Contact Hellos & Goodbyes Conflict at a Distance Long Distance Sex Sexual Affairs Dating Others Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting an LDR: Contact Face-to-face visits Conflicting research Opinion suggests at least once a month Early studies had design issues Carpenter & Knox. College Student J.1986; 28:86-88 Failed vs. successful; contact related for men only Holt & Stone. J College Student Dev. 1988; 29:136-141 Definition of LDR Groves & Horm-Wingerd. Soc Social Res. 1991;75:212-216 Outcome “happier” with relationship

Supporting an LDR: Contact Face-to-face visits Larger studies & longitudinal studies No correlation or impact of frequency of face-to-face visits for continuity or quality or relationship Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel. 1995;12;313-320 Schwebel, et al. J. College Student Dev. 1992; 33:222-230 Guldner. Purdue Univ, Dept. of Psych. 1992 Strategies based on increasing visits likely will not work – any frequency okay

Supporting an LDR: Contact Telephone Calls No evidence to suggest positive correlation or threshold effect Frequency may be negatively correlated More calls more conflict? More conflict more calls?

Supporting an LDR: Contact Writing Letters. Cross-sectional. Strong correlation between frequency of letters and relationship quality. Longitudinal. Couples who stayed together wrote one another almost twice as often as those who broke-up. Measures of relationship quality identical at time-one.

Supporting an LDR: Contact Writing Letters Peculiarities of Letters Transitional objects Tangible Re-readable Scent Generally conveys mostly positive messages Pre-stamp and address envelopes to facilitate letter writing Discuss the mundane if writing is only contact

Supporting LDRs Emotional Stages of Separation Staying Emotionally Healthy Maintaining Intimacy Frequency of Contact Hellos & Goodbyes Conflict at a Distance Long Distance Sex Sexual Affairs Dating Others Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting an LDR: Hellos & Goodbyes Key Strategies for Making Reunions Even Better It’s okay to schedule time by oneself Schedule time with mutual friends Schedule time out in public as a couple Expect to be disappointed periodically Don’t over schedule Keep the timing of reunions predictable

Supporting an LDR: Hellos & Goodbyes Key Strategies for Facilitating Goodbyes Recognize multiple ways of saying goodbye Develop goodbye rituals Avoid anticipatory distancing if possible Expect periodic disappointing reunions Call one another early to discuss process Accept some excitement about leaving

Supporting LDRs Emotional Stages of Separation Staying Emotionally Healthy Maintaining Intimacy Frequency of Contact Hellos & Goodbyes Conflict at a Distance Long Distance Sex Sexual Affairs Dating Others Gender Differences in Separation

Supporting LDRs: Conflict at a Distance Issues Unique to LDRs Problems with distance, travel, limited time together Problems inherent with telephones Conflict avoidance Separation-related anger Attributing all difficulties to the distance

Supporting LDRs: Conflict at a Distance Problems with distance, travel, time How should we use our time together? Ground rules about other potential partners. How often should we contact / visit one another? Who pays for travel? Who does the traveling? How long will we be separated? How soon after reunion should we have sex? How do we split the telephone bill? How often do we write one another? Who does the chores when together?

Supporting LDRs: Conflict at a Distance Problems Inherent with Telephones Less likely to result in conflict resolutions Less likely to accurately guess partner’s opinion Less confident in opinion about partner’s personality traits More likely to feel misunderstood More likely to think partner is insincere

Supporting LDRs: Conflict at a Distance Conflict Avoidance LDRs report less conflict than PRs Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel.1995;12;313-320 Delmann-Jenkins, et al. College Stud J. 1994;28;212-219 Limited time together, avoid “spoiling” it Ability to exit Tolerancce

Supporting LDRs: Conflict at a Distance Separation-Related Anger Reflex Cause is difficult to determine Persists despite experience “…this anger is displaced in all directions and projected onto the environment at times almost at random.” - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Supporting LDRs: Conflict at a Distance Attributional Error “Everything would be okay but for the distance.” Men more likely than women Leads to fewer arguments Leads to delay in progress Lead to unnecessary break-up Lead to resistance to therapeutic attempts

Supporting LDRs Emotional Stages of Separation Staying Emotionally Healthy Maintaining Intimacy Frequency of Contact Hellos & Goodbyes Conflict at a Distance Long Distance Sex Sexual Affairs Dating Others Gender Differences in Separation

Long Distance Sex LDRs report sexual intimacy equal to PRs. Guldner & Swensen, J. Social Personal Rel.1995;12;313-320 “Honeymoon” sex / novelty Timing of sex after reunion Intimacy then sex Sex then intimacy

Long Distance Sex Telephone Sex Learning what to say and how to say it Comfort with erotic vocabulary Books of erotic fantasy Learning how to say it Bonnie Gabriel, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk: How to Entice, Excite, and Enchant Your Lover with Words Fantasy talk Sexual guidance Parallel self-pleasuring

Long Distance Sex Self-Pleasuring Learning to be comfortable with touching Hands-free telephones Privacy issues

Long Distance Sex Erotic Letters Erotic Videos Erotic Audiotapes Erotic Pictures Timing of visits with menstrual cycle

Supporting LDRs Emotional Stages of Separation Staying Emotionally Healthy Maintaining Intimacy Frequency of Contact Hellos & Goodbyes Conflict at a Distance Long Distance Sex Sexual Affairs Dating Others Gender Differences in Separation

Sexual Affairs in LDRs Common opinion Three studies Pre-marital Guldner, GT. Propinquity & Dating Relationships, Purdue University, Dept of Psychology, 1992 Marital Gerstel, N. Marital alternatives and the regulation of sex. Alternnative Lifestyles, 1979; 2:145-176 Ortner, et al. Long Distance Marriage. 1979 No difference in the rate of affairs Greater concern & anxiety about affairs

Supporting LDRs Emotional Stages of Separation Staying Emotionally Healthy Maintaining Intimacy Frequency of Contact Hellos & Goodbyes Conflict at a Distance Long Distance Sex Sexual Affairs Dating Others Gender Differences in Separation

Dating Others During an LDR Two studies 6-month longitudinal study 30% of couples who dated others broke up 27% of couples who did not broke up 70% of couples who did not discuss this issue broke up. Cross sectional study 15% of those who dated others survived LDR 48% of those who didn’t survived LDR

Supporting LDRs Emotional Stages of Separation Staying Emotionally Healthy Maintaining Intimacy Frequency of Contact Hellos & Goodbyes Conflict at a Distance Long Distance Sex Sexual Affairs Dating Others Gender Differences in Separation

Gender Differences in LDRs Emphasis on sexuality Jealousy issues Interpretation of Love Romanticism vs Practicality Separation as a test vs. obstacle How to build intimacy Through sharing ideas By cataloging shared activities

Gender Differences in LDRs Impact of Separation Greater on Men Did distance contribute to the end of your LDR? 41% of men agree 28% of women agree Distance was the only common problem cited more frequently by men as leading to a break up.

Gender Differences in LDRs “Distance is represented as an empirical, absolute obstacle that precludes continuation of a relationship. These accounts offer no recognition of possibilities for managing distance; neither do they acknowledge any personal responsibility for its impact on relationships.” -Wood, JT. Different voices in relationship crises. American Behavioral Scientist.1986; 29:273-301.

Therapeutic Pearls Normalize & Encourage LDRs are common Especially among college students LDRs do not break-up more often than PRs LDRs have similar quality relationships as PRs

Therapeutic Pearls Individuals in LDRs often report mild depression Persistent, not improved with experience develop coping strategy, don’t wait for it to go away Distance relationships do not cause major depression Ending an LDR will likely not help and may hurt

Therapeutic Pearls Anxiety / Guilt LDRs no more uncertain than PRs LDRs no more likely to have affairs LDR is often the best choice between: Giving up one’s career/education/goals Giving up the relationship Having an LDR Focus on anxiety/guilt producing thoughts

Therapeutic Pearls Progress slowed Idealization / Disillusionment Expect and normalize slower progression Search for LDRs that “should” end and facilitate / support this decision Idealization / Disillusionment Allow idealization but anticipate and normalize unmet expectations

Therapeutic Pearls Communication Sexuality Drawbacks to telephone communication Address conflict avoidance Ritualize relationship discussion Sexuality Address issues of verbal sexual expression Alternatives (pictures, audio, video, letters) Address issues of self-pleasuring

Therapeutic Pearls Promote Optimism and Self-Esteem Recognize minimal impact of contact Encourage letter writing Assess for and correct social isolation Encourage discussion of day-to-day acts Encourage parallel communication Hands free cordless phones

Therapeutic Pearls Discuss ground rules regarding dating others Acknowledge contributions to the LDR Especially for men When the relationship closes the distance Probably greater risk of break-up Disillusionment, loss of advantages, etc.

Questions? Guldner, GT. Long Distance Relationships: The Complete Guide. 2003. LA: JF Milne Available from: www.atlasbooks.com www.amazon.com www.jfmilne.com Ingram Book Group Baker & Taylor