SAFE HAVEN Sharon Hart May, Ph.D. Safe Haven Relationships Understanding the Impact of Relationships on Our Lives

Psalm 91 God promises to be our safe place God promises to be our safe place “Those who go to God Most High for safety will be protected by the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “You are my place of safety & protection. You are my God and I trust you.”

“This is my prayer for you: that your love will grow more and more; that you will have knowledge & understanding with your love…” Phil 1:9 “Love your neighbor as you love yourself. If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful, or you will completely destroy each other.” Gal 5:15 “This is my prayer for you: that your love will grow more and more; that you will have knowledge & understanding with your love…” Phil 1:9 “Love your neighbor as you love yourself. If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful, or you will completely destroy each other.” Gal 5:15

HAVEN OF SAFETY Importance of Emotional Attachment Bonds Importance of Emotional Attachment Bonds –the connection between two people is an attachment bond –we need these bonds in order to grow and thrive –we were designed by God to live in community

Without Bonds We Wither and Die…Physically, Emotionally, Psychologically Predicts Whether You’ll Be Dead or Alive 9yrs From Now Impacts our Healing and Dealing With Stress Shapes How we Make Sense of Life

In Our Relationships we: are born and grow as a person are born and grow as a person learn who we are, how lovable or unlovable we are learn who we are, how lovable or unlovable we are how trustworthy others are how trustworthy others are how safe the world is how safe the world is whether or not we can depend upon others to be there for us whether or not we can depend upon others to be there for us

Relationships Over Our Life Temperament + Genetics + Experiences = Who We Are Temperament + Genetics + Experiences = Who We Are

Importance Of Your Attachment Bond In Marriage Research * predictor of divorce * emotional connection more vip than fighting Crucial to your marriage = perceive spouse to be a haven of safety Crucial to your marriage = perceive spouse to be a haven of safety

Our Bonds are A Safe Place when: we know we are loved, valued, accepted we know we are loved, valued, accepted we know someone will be there to love us, take care of us, be there we know someone will be there to love us, take care of us, be there

ATTACHMENT BOND 1. Closeness – physical proximity – 2. Safe Haven 1. Trust 2. Available emotionally & physically 2. Available emotionally & physically 3. Responsive in considerate manner 3. Responsive in considerate manner 3. Attachment Alarm System i. Protest ii. Despair iii. Detach

Attachment Styles: Ways of Being in Relationship 1. Secure Attachment Bond 2. Insecure Bond = Anxious Preoccupied = ‘you love me, you love me not’ 3. Avoidant = uncomfortable with closeness yet long for it ‘you’ll reject me so I’ll be self-sufficient’ ‘you’ll reject me so I’ll be self-sufficient’ 4. Fearful Avoidant = ‘fear without solution’ ‘come close, come close, get away’ ‘come close, come close, get away’

Ways We Respond When We Feel Our Loved One Is Not There 1. Secure, Safe, Assured 1. Secure, Safe, Assured 2. Unsure, Anxious, Pre-occupied 2. Unsure, Anxious, Pre-occupied 3. Avoidant, Non-dependent 3. Avoidant, Non-dependent 4. Fearful, confused, hyper-vigilant

“I Know You Will Listen and Care for Me and Consider Who I Am Along With Your Own Perspective. You Know Me, and You Love Me. I Feel Safe Sharing Who I Am With You. You Will Be There for Me If I Reach for You. And I’ll Be There for You.”

But “Yesterday’s Feelings Color Today’s Experiences. Be Aware of the Filters of Past Experience Through Which You View Current Experiences. Be Aware of Where You Go to Feel Validated and Loved.”

“I pray that Christ will live in your hearts by faith and that your life will be strong in love and be built on love” Ephesians 3:17

THE END

WHAT IS AT THE HEART OF EVERY ARGUMENT? Dr. Sharon Hart May

When Your Safe Haven Doesn’t Feel So Safe Something happens – event triggers dragon - 1. You are not emotionally available 2. You do not respond to me in a considerate & caring manner 3. I want what I want & I want it now (selfish desires)

Attachment System Alarms Sound Off “Danger, danger, he/she is not your safe haven get him/her to see your perspective” Criticism Criticism Defensiveness Defensiveness Contempt Contempt Withdrawal Withdrawal Harsh Start up + Failed Repair Attempts Harsh Start up + Failed Repair Attempts

NEURO-BIOLOGY OF FIGHTS Senses take in information Thalamus (receives, disperses) Neocortex (evaluates, reasons) Limbic system (emotions) Amygdala (responds quickly-fear, anger) Responds by priming body for action Fight-Flee-Freeze-Please

Sense other is not available, responsive Sense other is not available, responsive Issues are triggered, dragons raise their heads Issues are triggered, dragons raise their heads Strong emotions fuel rigid cycles Strong emotions fuel rigid cycles Negative sentiment over-ride + failed repair attempts + strong emotional response Negative sentiment over-ride + failed repair attempts + strong emotional response Emotionally disconnect = not so safe Emotionally disconnect = not so safe

Be Wise: Is it your fears & dragons that need to be dealt with so you can love freely – or is this person not your Adam/Eve? Marriage is hard work – but is this the right person for you to commit to for a lifetime?

Woman – Pursuers feels that if they don’t pursue, talk louder, they will not be seen/heard feels that if they don’t pursue, talk louder, they will not be seen/heard “I nag because I feel he won’t listen to me. He’s just emotionally flat” “I nag because I feel he won’t listen to me. He’s just emotionally flat” feels out of control, unlovable, rejection, abandonment, lonely feels out of control, unlovable, rejection, abandonment, lonely

Pursue – Withdraw Cycle She comes over to his house and boyfriend is watching game with buddies – she thought they were going out. She ups the anti – he shuts down and withdraws She comes over to his house and boyfriend is watching game with buddies – she thought they were going out. She ups the anti – he shuts down and withdraws

Man – Withdraws Overwhelmed by pursuer’s emotion Overwhelmed by pursuer’s emotion Feels helpless, not good enough, devalued, disrespected, inadequate Feels helpless, not good enough, devalued, disrespected, inadequate Physiologically reduce by getting away from anxiety, shut down Physiologically reduce by getting away from anxiety, shut down

CYCLE SET IN MOTION Something Happens and It Means “You Are Not There For Me” Something Happens and It Means “You Are Not There For Me” –don’t mean to –let you down in the past –triggers familiar past hurt when parent/friend was not there for you –differences in personality, life style seems to mean they don’t care for you »He didn’t bring flowers, only took you to dinner

Cycle Is Triggered - Get Stuck Fighting is not always bad Fighting is not always bad –If you are able to emotionally connect –Still feel loved, valued and respected

Impact Of Your Cycle On Your Relationship When pursuing or withdrawing – don’t have emotional space to be there. When pursuing or withdrawing – don’t have emotional space to be there. –“My boyfriend does not understand me. They don’t care how I feel.” –“There’s no way my girlfriend would understand me. I learned not to put my heart out there. Risking that would mean I’d be hurt again.” No longer turn toward each other for comfort, support. No longer turn toward each other for comfort, support.

Breaking The Cycle What is your cycle? What happens when you and you & date fight/argue? What is your part in the cycle? Who pursues? Who withdraws? Understand what triggers your cycle

 Withdrawers: Understand what you are feeling – share your heart emotions rather than shutting down & withdrawing, Risk to Stick With It

 Pursuers: Learn to ‘Soften’ Remember that underneath your strong reaction is a heart longing to be heard, understood, loved

BOTH = Learn to Talk With Your Hearts, Not Your Dragons. BOTH = Learn to Talk With Your Hearts, Not Your Dragons.

- Share Your Heart Needs and Longings - Emotions (Emotional Literacy) Be Able to Name, Understand, Regulate Them

- Keep Them in - Explode - Wear Them on Your Sleeve - Slow Down, Understand Them, Express Them in a Way That Draws (You And) Your Date in !

Listen To Each Other’s Hearts

Talk From Your Heart Identify the emotion under the statement Identify the emotion under the statement Listen to it Listen to it Look beyond and look at your partner’s heart Look beyond and look at your partner’s heart Respond to the heart Respond to the heart

Healing Past Attachment Injuries

“You Were Not There for Me When I Needed You” “You Abandoned, Betrayed Me, Now I Won’t Risk to Trust You With My Heart” Emotionally reconnect Emotionally reconnect Risk to be vulnerable again Risk to be vulnerable again Offer understanding, caring, this time ‘be there’ Offer understanding, caring, this time ‘be there’ Forgive Forgive

Understand Each Other’s Perspective & Pain (Not Defending, Blaming Criticizing)

Creating Connections 1. Give your partner your full attention 2. Listen with your heart, not your “to do list” “sensible list” “critical thing list” 3. When you want to be defensive….It means you need to understand partner more So ask him/her to share: “tell me more about what you are thinking” So ask him/her to share: “tell me more about what you are thinking” Then: listen until you understand (you may not necessarily agree) Then: listen until you understand (you may not necessarily agree)

Pray for a Softer, More Genuine Heart “This is my prayer for you: that your love will grow more and more; that you will have knowledge & understanding with your love…” Phil 1:9 “Love your neighbor as you love yourself. If you go on hurting each other and tearing each other apart, be careful, or you will completely destroy each other.” Gal 5:15