1. “Why We Love, Feel And Act The Way We Do”
Dr. Tim Clinton
American Association of Christian Counselors

2. MADE FOR RELATIONSHIPS
The Sacred Romance -- “Lover of our Soul”
Love and Marriage -- Genesis 2:18-25; SOS; Matt.19; I Cor. 7; I Cor. 13; Eph.5:21 ff; I Peter 3:1-10
The Family -- Deut. 6:6-9, Psalm 127; I Tim. 5:8

3. Attachments vs. Close Relationships
The Big Five
Seeks closeness in times of trouble
Safe Haven
Exploration
Separation  Anxiety/Anger
Loss  Grief

4. Core “Relationship” Beliefs
Self
Other
Am I worthy?
Am I capable?
Am I willing?
Are you available?
Are you accessible?
Are you capable?
Are you willing?

5. Ambivalent Attachment Disorganized Attachment
Relationship Rules
Secure Attachment
Self Dimension
I’m worthy of love
I’m capable of getting the love I need
Other Dimension
Others are willing and able to love me
I can count on you to be there for me
Avoidant Attachment
I’m worthy of love (false pride)
I’m capable of getting love I want and need (false sense of mastery)
Others are incompetent
Others are untrustworthy
Ambivalent Attachment
I am not worthy of love (I feel flawed)
I’m not able to get the love I need without being angry or clingy
Capable but unwilling (bc my flaws)
May abandon me (bc my flaws)
Disorganized Attachment
I’m not worthy of love
I’m unable to get the love I need
Others are unwilling
Others are unable
Others are abusive; I deserve it

6. Attachment and Feelings
Secure Attachment
Full range
Good control
Self-soothes
Shares feelings
OK with others’ feelings
Avoidant Attachment
Restricted affect
Focus is on control
Uses things to self soothe
Keeps feelings buried
Doesn’t share feelings
Ambivalent Attachment
Poor control
Can’t self soothe
Shares feelings too much
Overwhelmed by others’ feelings
Disorganized Attachment
Full range, but few positive feelings
Can’t self-soothe
Can’t really share with others
Dissociates
Emotions are gas with a purpose
Drives behavior, organizes behavior
Adaptive, God given

7. Attachment and Intimacy
Secure Attachment
Comfortable with closeness
Shares feelings and dreams
Willing to commit
Balances closeness and distance
Participates in non-sexual touch
Avoidant Attachment
Not comfortable with closeness
Withholds feelings and dreams
Difficulty with commitment
Distances
Ambivalent Attachment
Desires closeness, but never seems to have enough
Wants to merge with other
Preoccupied with abandonment
Clings and criticizes
Disorganized Attachment
Desires closeness, but fears and avoids it
Wants to merge, then wants to distance
Terrified of abandonment
Sabotages closeness
Attracted to people who victimize
Emotions are gas with a purpose
Drives behavior, organizes behavior
Adaptive, God given

8. Breaking Free Step I: Remember Your Story – Narrative Recall
Step II: Recognize Your Pain and Need for Healing – “Can’t heal what you don’t feel”
Step III: Reframe the Meaning of Your Story
Step IV: Repair Your Story – ‘forgiveness, grace and acceptance’
Step V: Reconnect – deepening emotional strands of safety, trust and intimacy; able to accept influence from others.