2 Four Danger Signs: Communication Escalation Put-down/ invalidation Withdrawal/ avoidanceNegative interpretationsCommunicationNever say:You need a time out.Instead say:We or I need a time out.
3 Two Options:Drop it for now. Come back and discuss later, but within 24 hours.Shift to a safer and better communication. Use speaker-listener technique.Time Out:During a time out, don’t rehearse negative or “hot” thoughts. It will defeat the whole purpose of a time out.
4 Reduce Anger Helpful Tip: Remember that often behind anger lies hurt feelings.Example: I am angry at you…but really deep down I’m feeling rejected.Helpful Tip:Have soothing statements or mantras.-Example: I am really mad at her now, but basically she's a good person and we will figure this out.
5 Helpful Tip Have soothing statements or mantras. Example: I am really mad at her now, but basically she's a good person and we will figure this out.
6 Complaining WWWF-formula Character assassination You always, you never BlamingMind readingCross-complainingKitchen-sinkingWWWF-formulaW= WhatW= When or W= WhereWW= When or WhereF= FeelingsAVOID negative or harsh
7 Messages Filter -Distractions Counter it -Mood/ emotional state-Negative beliefs-StyleCounter it- choose a good time to bring stuff up.- Ask if it’s a good time- Back off if it’s a bad time.-Announce your mood-Back off if you see it’s a bad time for someone.-Look for evidence to the contrary.-Check it out. Don’t mind-read, ask.-Learn about your style and that of others; have humility- your way isn't the only way.
8 Key Rules Rules for speaker -speak for yourself, no mind reading. -Don’t g on and on.- Pause, let listener paraphraseRules for listener-Don’t disagree or interrupt.-Seek to understand.-Paraphrase what you hear.
9 Four Hidden Issues Button Trivial triggersScorekeepingAvoidanceWheel spinningButtonDeal with the event now as best you can, decide to talk about the bigger issue or problem at a later time. Don’t let an event drag you into an unproductive argument now about the bigger issue or problem. Tell yourself now is not a good time. Use a time-out.
10 Problems w/ Expectations Six Hidden Issues:Power and controlCaringRecognitionIntegrityCommitment acceptanceAcceptanceProblems w/ ExpectationsProblems w/ expectations-unaware-Unreasonable-Unspoken, unsharedWhat to do-Become aware-Check to see id reasonable-Be motivated to meet a best friend, a family member or a girl/boyfriends most important expectation.
11 Problem Solving Model*Have a good problem discussion. Make sure you understand each others concerns and point of view. Use speaker-listener if needed.1.Decide specific problem or piece or problem to solve.2. Brainstorm a list of possible solutions.3. Come up with a plan. Keep eliminating until you’ve narrowed it down to one solution you agree to try.4. Do a follow-up check. How’s it working? Modify if needed.
12 “Friendship Feeling” Daily weather reports. Daily appreciations Stay up-to-date with each otherMake time for real “friendship” talking- even with family members.
13 Works Cited Love You too Communication Smarts for all Relationships Marline F. PearsonThe Dibble Fund for Marriage EducationCopyright 2004Power point by:Emory JonesNew Albany High School