Cracking the Code: Effective Parenting through understanding your childs motivations Mary B. Moore, LCSW Southeast Psych, Inc. southeastpsych.com

What is motivation? internal state or condition that activates behavior and gives it direction desire or want that energizes and directs goal-oriented behavior influence of needs on the intensity and direction of behavior.

Each child (and adult) has a unique pattern of forces that motivates him or her. What inspires one person, may be totally ineffective for another. Just as teachers tailor instructional methods to meet the academic needs of each student, we as parents must also use a variety of motivational techniques to guide and bring out the best in our children.

If there is anything that we wish to change in a child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves. Carl Jung

Without motivation, there is NO learning Research dictates that the learning process begins and is reinforced with motivation Discipline does not exist without teaching and LEARNING.

The Key Foundation to Effective Parenting is to seek to truly understand and parent according to your childs Unique strengths & abilities Motivational needs & drives

The 3 Steps to Effective Parenting Step 1: Understand Step 2: Plan Step 3: Do the 4 Ps (Proactive, Practice, Positive Reinforcement, Penalty) One size does not fit all

Step 1: Seek to Understand Who is your child? Temperament, personality, likes & dislikes, special needs/issues What is occurring? Where is it occurring? Home, school, athletic fields, in public, private? When is it occurring? Morning, afternoon, evening? Certain situations? Why is the behavior occurring? What is the motivation, function or goal of the behavior?

Understanding your child: A Closer Look… Temperament: Easy, Slow to Warm, Feisty Personality: Introvert – get energy from within (thinking, problem-solving) Extroverts- get energy from outside (people, stimulating environment) Special needs/issues: ADHD Anxiety Autism Spectrum Sensory Processing Issues Significant events: Trauma, abuse, loss Basic needs met? Slept? Ate? Sick? Allergies?

Most children share the common need to: Belong and be accepted (attention) Have power and control Have freedom and independence (to rebel) Have fun

What is the function of the problem behavior? What is my child trying to achieve? avoiding something getting something making something happen releasing anxiety or anger

Core Needs driving behavior Avoid somethingAvoid something (rebel) Get something Make something happen Release Anger or Anxiety Get something (attention) Belong & Be Accepted Power & Control Have Fun Independence & Freedom

While engaged in his/her special interest? Why? Because it fulfills his/her individual needs for fun/pleasure, independence, belonging, power, and control. mastery. Because your child feels mastery. When you can incorporate needs, strengths, interests, and mastery into a previously opposed task, chances of successful compliance increase.

How analyze the behavior trends using ABC A ntecedent B ehavior C onsequence What happened BEFORE ? What is the behavior?What happened immediately AFTER ? EnvironmentIntensityEnvironment change SettingDurationSaid MoodFrequencyPeople Time of Day People Note: You can analyze positive and negative behaviors with this model.

Step 2: Plan Identify specific target behaviors (2-3) phrased in the positive: Expressing your feelings appropriately Completing Homework

Identifying the Positive Opposite Behavior (desirable alternative skill) Negative Behavior Rude or mean talk Sarcastic Slouching, poor eye contact Tantrums, aggression Not following directions Procrastinating Positive Opposite Say nice things Good tone of voice Stand straight, good eye contact Expressing feelings appropriately, using calming techniques. Following directions first time asked Complete homework

If you keep doing what youve always done, you will keep getting what youve always got. Change in Antecedents and Consequences = Change in Behavior

Step 3: Doing the 4 P s P P roactive approach P P ractice the new skill (desirable behavior) P P ositive Reinforcement P P enalty

P Be P roactive Rules & Routines Give Good Clear Instructions Actively Ignore mild behaviors (whining, rude noises, pleading, 1 st refusals/complaints) Contracts, Point Charts, & Token Systems provide clear behavior expectations and associated rewards Be a Good Role Model! * Children learn far more from what is seen & experienced than what is said to them.

P Be P roactive… Change the antecedents according to the childs needs: give advance warnings avoid trigger situations provide positive attention early Feed the need early and often Power: give choices, responsibility, leadership Fun: play, humor, turn directions into a game Beat the Clock Independence: encourage self-reliance; give projects Belonging: use team approach

Marys Point Chart Getting Up & Out in the Morning BonusTotal Points earned Monday44 Tuesday33 Wednesday44 Thursday415 Friday22 TOTAL Points 17 Getting up by 6:30 am = 1 point Dressed & downstairs by 6:50 am= 1 point Brush teeth = 1 point At the bus stop by 7:15 am = 1 point Grab bag = 2 points Special activity w/ parent=2 points Extra 15 minute bedtime=4 points Choosing family dinner=6 points Screen time=6 points Going out for ice cream= 8 points New Lip Gloss= 16 points

Setting Limits – A simply stated directive with associated consequence Use a pleasant, matter-of-fact tone Be consistent and follow through Use Thinking words versus Fighting words BehaviorFighting WordsThinking Words Stalling Do your homework or your grounded! You are free to go outside and play as soon as you finish your homework. Sassiness/demandingDont talk to me in that tone of voice! Ill listen to you as soon as your voice is as calm as mine. TantrumStop that right now! Would you like to go to your room walking or should I carry you?

P P ractice the new skill Whatever the function of the misbehavior, it is crucial and most effective to teach them a better way to get what they want. New coping, problem-solving, conflict- management and social skills can be taught, reinforced, and measured.

Teach a more appropriate way to achieve the goal: FunctionProblem BehaviorNew Skill Power, ControlVerbal or Physical Aggression, refusals Calmly expressing feelings and needs, teach compromise & negotiation EscapeVerbal or Physical Aggression, tantrums, refusals Asking for help, negotiating more time, compromise, accepting No AttentionWhining, name-calling, rude behavior; complaining Politely initiating communication/joining in behavior, asking for attention Release AnxietyVerbal or Physical Aggression, tantrums Calmly expressing anxious feelings, identifying triggers, 3 deep breaths, engaging in a pleasurable activity; asking for help, problem-solving RetaliationTeasing back, hitting, stealing Appropriately expressing feelings, I-statements, conflict-management

Keys to learning a new skill: Prompt, Practice, Praise! (repeat)

P P ositive Reinforcement Any behavior that is reinforced, either positively or negatively will be repeated Research shows that positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment (penalty) to change behavior Positive Reinforcers include Praise & affirmations Thumbs up, hugs, high 5s Your time & attention (games, activity) Privileges (late bedtime, King for the Night) Points, tokens, stars, stickers Material rewards – small toy, money, food treat

A word about praise and affirmations: Praise with description is good… Good job taking turns with your brother… I really liked how you got yourself dressed and cleaned for school this morning. Thank you…. I noticed you walked away to cool off when you were getting annoyed with your little sister. Nice work …. …it is BETTER with an added Affirmation: … You are a thoughtful brother. …You are very independent/responsible. …You are really in control.

Praise with affirmations nurtures a sense of success and mastery strengthens positive self-esteem fosters intrinsic motivation success * The only long term motivator of human behavior is success. * Mastery fuels Motivation.

P P enalties & Punishment Punishment like tangible rewards may result in temporary behavior change, but does little to foster internal motivation. Penalties must be: Age appropriate Fit the crime Time-Limited Imposed immediately *Remain calm *Do not lecture *Disapprove of the behavior, not the child.

Examples of Penalties & Punishments Loss of privilege (computer, video, TV Time) Loss of a toy or possession Early bedtime Right the wrong Penalty hard chore (cleaning the garage, washing all baseboards/window sills) Time Out Note: Loss of special events or commitments is not recommended (e.g. Bday party, athletic practice or game, music lessons)

Parent with a Plan Target Behavior Proactive Techniques (Before) Practice New Skills (Before & After) Positive Reinforcement (Before, During, After) Penalties (After) Self-calming and anger control Role Model anger management Avoid Anger Triggers Feed the Need for power, control, independence Set limits escalating bx Prompt & encourage new skills Calming – 3 deep breaths; counting to 50 by 5s, walk away Problem solving Positive verbalization of feelings Praise & Affirmations for positive skills Rewards (points, privileges ) for + behavior Time Out Loss of Privileges Right the wrong Start completing homework Routine/schedule Feed the Need for fun early Provide incentives Break into smaller steps Set limits Time management Organization Asking for help Verbalization of feelings Praise & Affirmation Rewards (points, privileges ) for compliance Natural consequences Loss of privileges

Our Parenting Plan Target Behaviors Proactive: What will I do differently to set up my child for success? Practice : What skills will I role model, teach and encourage? Positive Reinforcement: How will I acknowledge & reward? Penalties: What penalties will I use? My childs strengths:Interests: Motivational drives:

Final thoughts…. A Jedi gains power through understanding and a Sith gains understanding through power. ChancellorPalpatine (aka Darth Sidious) Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith