How to Talk to Your Tween Nicole Espinoza, LCSW School Based Social Worker for The Village of Niles and District 63

Overview Developmental Milestones Communication 101 Modeling Healthy Communication A Time and a Place Types of Questions Active Listening Conflict Resolution Expectations and Consequences Questions

This is why tweens and teens make so many mistakes! Adults learn by talking Teens learn through experience Kids learn through play This is why tweens and teens make so many mistakes!

Developmental Milestones Fundamental time for identity creation Developing interests & tastes Deciding what/who they like and don’t like Figuring out who they want to be Experience changes in how they think, feel, and interact with others Physical changes impact mood and behavior Relationships with friends become very valued Spend less time with parents and more time with friends Become more independent from parents in preparation for the future Have more responsibilities: changing classes, more homework, etc…

Communication 101 Validate your child’s feelings This builds trust and increases emotional security Take an interest in their interests Offer additional guidance and solutions “Those sound like great options! Have you also considered…” Have healthy boundaries Maintain the role of parent; your child is not your friend Remember that they are still learning communication skills. They won’t respond in the same manner as an adult

Model Healthy Communication Skills Kids now a days have the same issues, but they communicate on different forums. Watch verbal, text, and online communication and model ways to use each When is it appropriate to use text verses speaking in person? How should one apologize or resolve conflicts with peers? Discuss how miscommunication happens when one cannot read the other person’s verbal and non-verbal cues Create cell phone free zones to teach face to face skills Dinner time Teach balanced use of electronics Electronics are a privilege, not a right

A Time and a Place When your child first arrives home from school. Children need time to decompress after a difficult day She/he may not be ready to discuss SOLUTION: Establish a time, such as after dinner, when your family can have a check in. When you first arrive home.   You may need to decompress as well. Your child may have been waiting a long time for you to get home to discuss the issue.   SOLUTION: Tell her/him you need to change your clothes or freshen up and then you will have the discussion.

Types of Questions Use open-ended or reflective questions verses closed questions OPEN-ENDED “What about that choice made sense to you?” “What were you accused of?” “What worked for you in that situation and what did not?” “What was the best and worst thing that happened today?” REFLECTIVE “Can you help me understand…” “Can you tell me more about that?” CLOSED Anything that can be answered with Yes, No, or Fine Avoid “Why”questions CHANGE SEATS FOR NEXT ACTIVITY

Active Listening Open Questions Activity One person speaks at a time for 2 minutes in each exercise Share with your partner things that you already do with your tween that work Ask only open ended questions and observe your partner’s response

Conflict Resolution Use I feel statements Listen Avoid power struggles Avoid talking when angry We are not logical when we feel angry. They are learning how to manage emotions and need modeling. Have an agreed upon plan to take a timeout for everyone to calm down. One way to be successful with this is to have code words.  Keep the words neutral. For example, someone says “popcorn” when needing time to cool down. Both parties give each other agreed upon time and space. When one is calm and ready to engage use a different word, such as “blueberries” to indicate when you are ready to resume. Use I feel statements “I feel _______ when _______. What I need is ________” Listen Avoid power struggles Remember: They have more energy than we do! Have agreed upon expectations and consequences

Expectations and Consequences Set Expectations and have them earn privileges Be Consistent Have pre-arranged Expectations and Consequences Be concrete AVOID: “Change your attitude” GET SPECIFIC: “When you roll your eyes it feels very disrespectful.”

(This can also be allowance) Going to a movie with friends Household Responsibilities Activity Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday Kitchen   Living Room Garbage Dishes Cook Take care of dog Do my laundry Clean my room Bathroom Privilege Earned (This can also be allowance) 1 hour of t.v. time Use of your phone Ipad time Going to the park Family Fun Night Going to a movie with friends Free day No chores Expectations Using a phone is a privilege, not a given. Have them earn things they want to do. Once all of their responsibilities are complete, they can do or have the thing they are seeking. Set the expectation and don’t engage in a power struggle. Activities Kitchen=Wipe down the kitchen table, stove, and the refrigerator, put away food, and mop floor Bathroom= wipe sink, tub, mirrors, mop floors, take out garbage and clean toilet Living Room=clean the furniture, put away all items, garbage, mop the living room floor

Have a specified length of time Avoid the Breakfast Club Mentality https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTeYncx1xmI Start at 33 seconds

Expectations and Consequences Make it task specific There should be a concrete behavior your tween needs to accomplish, or practice related to the original behavior. Example: doing homework on time, asking permission to go places, not swearing, etc… Connect the original behavior to the consequence Give consequences when you’re calm to avoid empty threats

Consistent Consequences Behavior Consequence Time Not turning in an assignment   No electronics or activities with friends One day  Being disrespectful (talking back, giving a negative look, speaking in a disrespectful way) Chose a job from the Job jar One Week Swearing Pay swear jar $0.50 Once Verbal or Physical violence towards others Volunteer at a local agency  Not completing chores No activities Until chores are complete Lying Pay the lying jar $1 Inappropriate use of Social Media No electronics Think of their interests. What would motivate them?

It is important that as a child gets older, they become more independent. It is developmentally appropriate for tweens to be less communicative or for their style of communication to change, meaning they may not be as open as they once were. This is difficult to deal with, but its important that parents don’t give up on having open communication!!!

Questions Portions adapted from Don Miner’s Handout “How to Talk to Your Child” of Extended Learning