1. Taming your “Inner Toddler” Josef Gorny ANU Counselling Centre

2. Problematic Characteristics of Toddlers Low control Impulses Frustration Behaviour (Separation) anxiety Short Attention span Tunnel vision Energy levels Non-rational Black and white Over-generalize Triggered through associations Confuse needs and wants Heavily influenced by mood.

3. Aaaaarrrrggghhhhh! This sounds like me NOW especially when I’m under stress!

4. The Emotional Brain

5. What is the Emotional Brain interested in?  Safety and survival  Belonging  Control over environment  Food  Comfort (pleasure/pain)

6. The Emotional Brain affects:  Mood  Body responses  Attention, concentration  Motivation  Decision making

7. Under stress it will:  Flight/Fight/Freeze  Become tunnel visioned  Shut down the left (logical) side of the brain.  Revert to learned patterns of behaviour  Get stressed by its own symptoms of stress!  Seek soothing

8. The Emotional Brain is influenced by:  Sensory Input – internal/external  Associations (not logic)  Established patterns and other ‘somatic’ memories  The environment incl. other people

9. Nature’s Design Flaw  We have evolved a thinking brain, that’s good at rational, analytical, planning, organizing processes.  At the same time, the original brain, the sensing, emotional, body moving, “primitive” brain is still in place!  We have TWO “operating systems”!

10. What do the experts say?  Christopher Green “Toddler Taming”  Jo Frost, “Supernanny”  Bill O’Hanlon “Just Try and Make Me!”  Jean Isley-Clarke “Growing Up Again”

11. Love and Structure  Unloving and Hard – Brick wall  Unloving and Soft – Indifferent  Loving and Soft – Marshmellowing  Loving and Firm – Backbone

12. Praise and Rewards  Encourage your toddler with self-talk  Realistic  Respectful  Reinforcing  Validating  Attention as reward – be mindful of your toddler’s process, use logs/graphs  Notice what’s right  Anticipation as mood elevator

13. Structures and Routines  Good time management  Use the automatic pilot (less serotonin use)  Low stress environment (less cortisol)  Cues for positive behaviour  Avoid triggers for negative behaviour (toddler proofing your environment)

14. Boundaries  Behavioural boundaries  Mental boundaries  Be specific  ‘It’s not an option’ – give your toddler other choices  Right balance between freedom and restraint. Restraint gives freedom.

15. (Fore) Warnings  Let your inner toddler know what’s coming up – be a good planner  Give your inner toddler a second chance by noticing what works and what doesn’t work – tap into your toddler’s curiosity

16. Explanations Toddlers keep asking “why?” Have an engaging explanatory style that is  Realistic, non-catastrophizing  Not black/white  Non-judgemental  Distinguishes Needs and Preferences  Not over-generalising

17. Tell Stories Toddlers love stories. Have a clear, emotionally compelling narrative about  Your values, priorities, dreams  Your identity  Your strengths and resources  What’s acceptable and what’s not  What works and what doesn’t

18. Discipline  Be fair and firm with your inner toddler  Use a ‘low, authoritative voice’ – be convincing  Use consequences to ‘sculpt’ behaviour  Natural and ‘unnatural’ consequences  Make amends  Agreements with your toddler  Make the consequences certain  Use the ‘Naughty Mat” or ‘Thinking Centre’ – one minute for each year of age!

19. Responsibility (and Agency)  Hold your toddler accountable and responsible for what they have direct agency over (which does not include fears, sleep, preferences).  Increase their agency by practice, rehearsals (actual and mental)

20. (Self) Restraint  Don’t over-react – you don’t need to be judging, invalidating, punitive with your inner toddler  Do be curious - and lovingly firm about what your toddler thinks and what they want to do.

21. Soothing  Validating and re-focussing  Calming through the senses, body  Stick to routines and structures  Back to Basics – do well again before you try great.  Acceptance and encouragement

22. Play  Stimulate and engage with your inner toddler by doing what you enjoy  Tap into the wonder  Learn to share and play with others in a cooperative way, resolving conflict as needed.  De-stress through regular play  Rehearse better patterns

23. Consistency – the Holy Grail  Consistence and persistence  Remind yourself of the benefits  Prime your friends and family to remind you  Flexibility not avoidance