1. Communication and Relational Dynamics

2. Why do we have relationships?
Attraction-
Similarity and Complementarity- In adults, similarity is more important than communication ability
Differences strengthen a relationship is they are complementary (satisfy each other’s needs). When control is an issue, problems result.

3. What are ingredients for happy relationship?
Partners are similar enough to satisfy each other physically and mentally, but different enough to meet each other’s needs.

4. Other reasons for relationships
Reciprocal attraction- we like people who like us.
Competence-best way to be liked is to be good as what you do, but not perfect!
Disclosure- have to match the amount and content with the other person
Proximity-more likely to develop relationship with someone you interact with frequently

5. Need for intimacy
Benefits: people with intimate relationships have higher self esteem, stronger sense of identity and greater feelings of control over their lives
Dimensions:
- Physical
- Intellectual
- Emotional
- Shared Activities

6. Masculine/Feminine Intimacy Styles
Disclosure
- female to female
- male to female
- male to male
Women disclose more than men and the information disclosed is more personal and feeling oriented

7. New research has shown that emotional expression is not the only way to develop close relationships. Men (75%) say that closeness comes through shared activity. Also grew close by helping one another and mutual liking
This difference between men and women can cause misunderstandings

8. Cultural Influences North America- high disclosure
German, Japanese- disclose little except with very close relationships.
In U.S. - working class black men are more disclosing that white working class peers, but upwardly mobile black men disclose about as much as white upwardly mobile men.
When studying different cultures and rules on intimacy, Asian and European differed on showing emotions, expressing affection in public, conducting sexual activity, respecting privacy,etc.
Disclosure in US higher than any other culture studied. Germans and Japanese tend to disclose little about themselves expect in personal relationships with a select few.
In American- working class black men are more disclosing than white. Upwardly mobile black men communicate more like white men with same social agenda- disclose less.
In Taiwan and Japan- great difference in way people communicate with members of their “in-group” and “outgroup” Keep unfavorable information within “in group”. But, Us make less distinction between personal relationships and casual ones. Americans are easy to meet and difficult to get to know. Germans are difficult to met but easy to get to know.
Less of self disclosure appropriate in one culture is inappropriate in another.
Intimacy is not a priority in every relationship. Sometimes keeping distance is better.

9. Limits of Intimacy Too exhausting to be intimate with too many people!
Rewards of relationships= social exchange theory Rewards-Costs equal outcome
If too high maintenance, not worth it!

10. Models of Relational Development and Maintenance
Mark Knapp- broke down relationships into broad phases of “coming together” and “coming apart”. Other researchers add “relational maintenance”

11. Stages Initiating- show interest
Experimenting- decide if interested, so have to get more information “small talk”
Intensifying- expression of feelings towards one another; discuss the relationship; spend more time together; etc.
Integrating- take on identity as social unit. Give up some characteristics of self to develop shared identity.

12. Bonding- make symbolic public gestures to show the world that their relationship exists.
Differentiating- gain privacy from one another. Have to be oneself, too
Circumscribing- communication decreases in quantity and quality. Shrinking of interest and commitment.
Stagnating- No growth.
Avoiding- create physical distance
Terminating- desire to dissociate

13. Relationship Rules According to Knapp:
Relationship can only be in one stage at a time.
Elements of other stages may be present, but one stage with dominate.
Movement between stages is generally sequential.
Not all relationships go through all stages

14. Dialectical Perspectives
Dialectical tensions: conflicts that arise when two opposing or incompatible forces exist simultaneously.
Connection vs. autonomy
-hold me tight
-put me down
-leave me alone
Desmond Morris says we repeatedly go through 3 stages
Even as children grow developmentally, go through these stages

15. Predictability vs. Novelty Openness vs. Privacy
Challenge is to juggle the desire for predictability with the desire for novelty so relationship is interesting
Openness vs. privacy This dialectical tension occurs in all relationships- how much to share, how much to keep to self

16. Managing Dialectical Tensions
Denial-respond to one end of spectrum, and ignore the other
Disorientation- “fight, freeze, or leave”
Alternation-go from one end of the spectrum to another
Balance- manage through compromise
Integration- accept opposing forces without trying to diminish them. Stepfamilies often have to “blend”
Denial- for instance, rather than respond to need for more novelty, couple denies the issue, and stays in routine
disorientation-”the honey moon is over” feel overwhelmed and helpless Can’t confront the problems, so fight, freeze or leave the relationship.
Alternation-go from one end of spectrum to another. Friends may spend lots of time together, then very little
balance- use compromise and each give up a little May not be satisfying to either party
integration- step family have to somehow blend family rituals

17. Recalibration-reframe so that the apparent contradiction disappears.
Reaffirmation- acknowledges that dialectical tensions will never disappear.
Recalibration- reframe. Love someone in spite of differences to loving because of differences. When one partner has gained weight, “there is more of her to love”.
Reaffirm- view dialectical tensions as part of the relationship
reaffirmation- see tensions as part of life and accept that relationship is a roller coaster

18. Relational Development and Maintenance
Relationships are constantly changing
Movement is always to a new place- can’t go back to the “way things were”

19. Self Disclosure
One way to judge the strength of the relationship is the amount of information we share with others.
Must be deliberate
Must be significant
Not known by others

20. Degrees of Self Disclosure
Alman and Taylor - model of social penetration
Breadth of information volunteered- range of subjects
Depth of information volunteered- shift from relatively non-personal messages to more personal ones.

21. Casual relationship- great breadth, but not depth
Intimate- high depth in at least one area
Most intimate- high depth in many areas.

22. Types of shared information
Cliches: ritualized, stock responses to social situations. “How are you”, “fine”. Can be shorthand for other messages, grease the social wheels, etc.
Facts-signals a desire to move the relationship to a new level.
Opinions-more revealing
Feelings-most revealing.

23. Model of Self Disclosure
Johari window- (Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham)
Diagram pp 341
Interpersonal relationships are impossible if the individuals involved have little open area.
Style I - person who is neither receptive to feedback nor willing to self disclose. Appears aloof and uncommunicative.
Style II person is open to feedback, but doesn’t voluntarily self disclose Appear supportive at first. Want to hear all about you, but don’t disclose about themselves
Style III- Discourage feedback from others, but disclose. Distrust other’s opinions and seem self centered.
Style IV willing to disclose and open to other’s ideas. May feel unnatural with nonintimates, but will be best approach for developing an intimate relationship

24. Characteristics of Self Disclosure
Self disclosure usually occurs in dyads
Self disclosure occurs incrementally
Relatively few transactions involve high levels of self disclosure
Self-disclosure is relatively scarce
Self-disclosure usually occurs in the context of positive relationships.

25. Reasons for self disclosure
catharsis- “get it off your chest”
reciprocity-not always turn-by-turn, but when time is right
self-clarification “talk the problem out”
self validation-with hope of obtaining the listener’s agreement
identity management- make ourselves more attractive

26. Relationship Maintenance/Enhancement
Social control-increase your control over the other person or situation
Manipulation
Manipulation is not necessarily negative. It means that self disclosure is calculated for a specific result. Motives might be to feel closer, or for self clarification (to sort out confusion), reciprocity - to learn more about each other and Impression formation- to make self look good

27. Guidelines for Self Disclosure
Is the other person important to you?
Is the risk of disclosing reasonable?
Is disclosure relevant to the situation at hand?
Are the amount and type of disclosure appropriate?
Is there a balance between positive and negative information?
Before you go blabbing everything about you, consider

28. Will the effect be constructive?
Is the self-disclosure clear and understandable?
Is the self-disclosure reciprocated?

29. Alternatives to Self Disclosure
Lying-
- to save face
-to avoid tension or conflict
-to guide social interaction
-to expand or reduce relationships
-to gain power
Effect of lies: threatens relationships
Consider these dilemmas:
You get a gift that you can’t use
You are asked to a party with people you have little in common with
You are asked your opinion by your boss about an idea he has, and you think it is terrible
Your friend asks what you think of her new boyfriend and you think he is
a loser
You need to take some time off to see your friend get married, but you have used all of your vacation days
to save face- pretend to remember someone when you don’t
to avoid tension- “it’s okay- we all have bad days”
To guide social interaction- fake interest in someone’s story
to expand or reduce relationships- exaggerate to impress someone, or “you’re a great person- I’m just not ready for a relationship”
power-lying to get information, for instance.
** forgot to mention- to get out of trouble!!
Effect of lies-can threaten rel if over an important issue

30. Equivocation Deliberately vague
- spares the receiver from embarrassment
-saves face for both the sender and receiver
-provides an alternative to lying

31. Hinting Aims to get a desired response from others
Hinting can backfire if the other person doesn’t get it.
“I know you are busy- better let you go!”

32. Ethics of Evasion when we expect others to tell a fib
when the lie is mutually advantageous
when the lie helps us avoid embarrassment
when the lie helps us avoid confronting an unpleasant truth
when we have asked the other person to lie
Some social scientists and philosophers agree that the morality of lie depends on the speaker’s motives for lying or one the effects of the lie (will it be worth the deception)
Times when you might not challenge a lie
- fish tales- you let small exaggerations go
-someone’s lie helps you out too. A co-worker tells about the terrible traffic jam, and you let boss think that you were caught in it too
- helps avoid embarrassment- “that was delicious!”
- help us avoid confronting unpleasant truth-when family ignores alcoholism “elephant in the room”
- when we have asked other person to lie “don’t tell me if you see him out with someone else”