1. Developing and Enriching Intimate Relationships

2. Obstacles to Love Low Self-Esteem Extensive Giving and Addiction
If I can’t love me then how can I trust another who says that they love me. (Cycle)
Extensive Giving and Addiction
Better stated as “giving up your individuality”
Society focuses on obsessive and violent love

3. Love “Liking with great emotional intensity Falling in Love
Heightened physical arousal
Increased emotionality
Frequent thoughts of the loved one
Love Grows or Fall in Love

4. Romantic Attachment: Individual Differences
Attachment Styles
Secure 54% (comfortable with intimacy & interdependence)
Avoidant 25% (dislike dependency and closeness)
Anxious/Ambivalent 19% (clingy & possessive, seeking assurance from partner)
Bartholomew’s Four Categories of Attachment Style
Secure
Preoccupied (I want complete intimacy but I feel that others are reluctant to get as close to me)
Fearful (I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want to get close but I find it difficult to trust or depend on them)
Dismissing (I am comfortable without close emotional relationships but prefers not to depend on others)

5. Outcomes of Attachment Styles
Secure- report greatest enjoyment, intimacy , and positive emotions, higher levels of disclosure & relational problem solving
Anxious/Ambivalent- more changeable emotionally
Avoidant- lower levels of positive emotions and appear to structure social activities in a way that minimizes closeness
(Tidwell et al. 1996)
Secure and Insecure show comparable overall degrees of security

6. Three General Theories of Love
Evolutionary Psychological Theory of Love
Primitive Emotional Bonding to Promote Race
Buss (1988) Love Acts
Social Structural and Social Learning Theory
Love is Learned from Observation and Socialization
Self Expansion Theory
Premise: We seek to grow and expand self through the incorporation of people, experiences, and possessions into one’s conception of self
Idea is to become united with universe not self aggrandize.

7. Theories of Love II
Consider the Following Using the 3 General Theories
Passionate Love
Companionate Love
Prototypical Approach
Considers the most representative features of love
Caring, friendship, honesty, trust, and respect
Sex, passion, novelty

8. Love Schema
Mental model consisting of expectations and attitudes about love.
Six Love Schemas
Secure- closeness and independence
Clingy- high level of closeness
Skittish- uneasy with closeness
Fickle- never satisfied with present relationship
Casual- enjoys relationships without committing
Uninterested- not interested in any relationship

9. History of Love Four Dimensions of Attitudes about Love
Cultural Value: Is love a desirable state?
Sexuality: Should love be sexual or unsexual?
Sexual Orientation: Should love involve homosexual or heterosexual partners?
Marital Status: Should we love our spouses or is love reserved for others?
Historical Views of Love
Love is madness
Love has little to do with marriage
Love need not involve sexual contact
Love is a noble quest
Love is doomed
Love can be happy and fulfilling
Love and marriage go together.

10. Types of Love Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love
Intimacy- feelings of warmth, support and sharing
Passion- physical arousal and desire
Commitment- decision to devote oneself to a relationship
Intimacy
Passion
Commitment
Nonlove
Low
Liking
High
Infatuation
Empty
Romantic
Companionate
Fatuous
Consummate

11. Romantic, Passionate Love
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you”
According to Berscheid, Passion is Rooted in:
1) physiological arousal
2) the belief that another person is the cause of the arousal
Misattributions (excitation transfer)
Laughter
Fear
Exercise

12. Romantic, Passionate Love
Thoughts
The more you love the more you will think about them (reverse)
Romance blinds to undesirable traits
Thoughts about ourselves change when we are in love
Romantic lovers state that they would do anything for their partner and that they would be miserable without them.

13. Love and Age
People married for five years were less romantic than high school seniors
People who had been married for 20 years or more were the most romantic of all.
Link between romance and age is a wide and shallow mouthed U.

14. Companionate Love
Two major types of love that occur in American marriages
Love full of passion that leads people to marry
Love that’s full of friendship that underlies marriages that last.

15. Styles of Loving Eros- Erotic lover focuses on physical appearance
Ludus- Playful in love and likes to play the field
Storge- Slow developing attachments with commitment
Mania- Demanding and possessive, has a feeling of being out of control
Agape- Altruistic, loving without concern for receiving anything in return
Pragma- searches for a person with proper vital statistics
Men higher on ludus whereas women are more storgic and pragmatic

16. Ingredients of Love: Needs from Love
Carlton Paine’s Ingredients of Love
Trust (honesty and dependability)
Affection (fondness for each other)
Respect (admiration and regard)
Fulfillment of Love Needs
Important to Match in Beginning
Communicate needs openly
Observe your partner with others
Be willing to make changes in self
Don’t assume the person will change in marriage

17. Love Behaviors “She loves me because she will do anything I want”
“If you love me you would know what I want”
Autonomy/Independence
Closeness
Forgiveness
Honesty
Respect
Others?

18. Love and Sex More similarity than differences between sexes
Women tend to experience stronger emotions than men do; on average, women’s emotions are more intense and more volatile.
Studies rarely find differences in romantic love between the sexes.
More men believe in love at first sight and that if you just love someone enough nothing else matters.
Women are more cautious about love, more selective and passion develops more slowly

19. Does Love Last Prototypical North American Marriage
Romantic love with pledge of entire life
Romantic love decreases after people marry
Why doesn’t it last?
Fantasy- love is blind
Novelty- excitement
Arousal- fades or habituates
INTIMACY IS MORE STABLE THAN PASSION
COMPANIONATE LOVE IS MORE STABLE THAN ROMANTIC LOVE

20. Intimacy Intimacy- “emotional closeness”: to really know another
Key Elements (Sternberg, 1987)
Promote each others welfare
Experience happiness together
Holding each other in high regard
Counting on each other in times of need
Mutual understanding
Sharing of self and possessions
Receiving emotional support
Giving emotional support
Communicating intimately
Valuing each other

21. Intimacy Development Eliminate Blockers
Withdrawal or isolating the self (work, etc)
Personal Rigidity (no compromise)
Overt Self Righteousness (need to be right)
Lack of Trustworthiness
“We can only be intimate to the degree that we are willing to be open and vulnerable (Ornish, 1998)

22. Intimacy Development Enhancers Androgynous Personalities
Expression of Genuine Emotions
Empathic and Nurturing Behaviors
Paying Attention to Others
Mutually Enjoyable Activities
Communication (especially deep self-disclosure)
Commitment

23. Enriching a Relationship
Compliment not Criticize (5:1 ratio)
Be curious
Be honest (no secrets)
Plan together
Be spontaneous
Develop traditions
Talk about individual and shared interests

24. Enriching a Relationship
Spend Time Together
Be Appreciative
Five Positives to Every One Criticism
Communicate (honesty & curiosity)
Demonstrate Affection
Be Spontaneous
Develop Rituals