2 Obstacles to Love Low Self-Esteem Extensive Giving and Addiction If I can’t love me then how can I trust another who says that they love me. (Cycle)Extensive Giving and AddictionBetter stated as “giving up your individuality”Society focuses on obsessive and violent love
3 Love “Liking with great emotional intensity Falling in Love Heightened physical arousalIncreased emotionalityFrequent thoughts of the loved oneLove Grows or Fall in Love
4 Romantic Attachment: Individual Differences Attachment StylesSecure 54% (comfortable with intimacy & interdependence)Avoidant 25% (dislike dependency and closeness)Anxious/Ambivalent 19% (clingy & possessive, seeking assurance from partner)Bartholomew’s Four Categories of Attachment StyleSecurePreoccupied (I want complete intimacy but I feel that others are reluctant to get as close to me)Fearful (I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want to get close but I find it difficult to trust or depend on them)Dismissing (I am comfortable without close emotional relationships but prefers not to depend on others)
5 Outcomes of Attachment Styles Secure- report greatest enjoyment, intimacy , and positive emotions, higher levels of disclosure & relational problem solvingAnxious/Ambivalent- more changeable emotionallyAvoidant- lower levels of positive emotions and appear to structure social activities in a way that minimizes closeness(Tidwell et al. 1996)Secure and Insecure show comparable overall degrees of security
6 Three General Theories of Love Evolutionary Psychological Theory of LovePrimitive Emotional Bonding to Promote RaceBuss (1988) Love ActsSocial Structural and Social Learning TheoryLove is Learned from Observation and SocializationSelf Expansion TheoryPremise: We seek to grow and expand self through the incorporation of people, experiences, and possessions into one’s conception of selfIdea is to become united with universe not self aggrandize.
7 Theories of Love IIConsider the Following Using the 3 General TheoriesPassionate LoveCompanionate LovePrototypical ApproachConsiders the most representative features of loveCaring, friendship, honesty, trust, and respectSex, passion, novelty
8 Love SchemaMental model consisting of expectations and attitudes about love.Six Love SchemasSecure- closeness and independenceClingy- high level of closenessSkittish- uneasy with closenessFickle- never satisfied with present relationshipCasual- enjoys relationships without committingUninterested- not interested in any relationship
9 History of Love Four Dimensions of Attitudes about Love Cultural Value: Is love a desirable state?Sexuality: Should love be sexual or unsexual?Sexual Orientation: Should love involve homosexual or heterosexual partners?Marital Status: Should we love our spouses or is love reserved for others?Historical Views of LoveLove is madnessLove has little to do with marriageLove need not involve sexual contactLove is a noble questLove is doomedLove can be happy and fulfillingLove and marriage go together.
10 Types of Love Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Intimacy- feelings of warmth, support and sharingPassion- physical arousal and desireCommitment- decision to devote oneself to a relationshipIntimacyPassionCommitmentNonloveLowLikingHighInfatuationEmptyRomanticCompanionateFatuousConsummate
11 Romantic, Passionate Love “I love you, but I’m not in love with you”According to Berscheid, Passion is Rooted in:1) physiological arousal2) the belief that another person is the cause of the arousalMisattributions (excitation transfer)LaughterFearExercise
12 Romantic, Passionate Love ThoughtsThe more you love the more you will think about them (reverse)Romance blinds to undesirable traitsThoughts about ourselves change when we are in loveRomantic lovers state that they would do anything for their partner and that they would be miserable without them.
13 Love and AgePeople married for five years were less romantic than high school seniorsPeople who had been married for 20 years or more were the most romantic of all.Link between romance and age is a wide and shallow mouthed U.
14 Companionate LoveTwo major types of love that occur in American marriagesLove full of passion that leads people to marryLove that’s full of friendship that underlies marriages that last.
15 Styles of Loving Eros- Erotic lover focuses on physical appearance Ludus- Playful in love and likes to play the fieldStorge- Slow developing attachments with commitmentMania- Demanding and possessive, has a feeling of being out of controlAgape- Altruistic, loving without concern for receiving anything in returnPragma- searches for a person with proper vital statisticsMen higher on ludus whereas women are more storgic and pragmatic
16 Ingredients of Love: Needs from Love Carlton Paine’s Ingredients of LoveTrust (honesty and dependability)Affection (fondness for each other)Respect (admiration and regard)Fulfillment of Love NeedsImportant to Match in BeginningCommunicate needs openlyObserve your partner with othersBe willing to make changes in selfDon’t assume the person will change in marriage
17 Love Behaviors “She loves me because she will do anything I want” “If you love me you would know what I want”Autonomy/IndependenceClosenessForgivenessHonestyRespectOthers?
18 Love and Sex More similarity than differences between sexes Women tend to experience stronger emotions than men do; on average, women’s emotions are more intense and more volatile.Studies rarely find differences in romantic love between the sexes.More men believe in love at first sight and that if you just love someone enough nothing else matters.Women are more cautious about love, more selective and passion develops more slowly
19 Does Love Last Prototypical North American Marriage Romantic love with pledge of entire lifeRomantic love decreases after people marryWhy doesn’t it last?Fantasy- love is blindNovelty- excitementArousal- fades or habituatesINTIMACY IS MORE STABLE THAN PASSIONCOMPANIONATE LOVE IS MORE STABLE THAN ROMANTIC LOVE
20 Intimacy Intimacy- “emotional closeness”: to really know another Key Elements (Sternberg, 1987)Promote each others welfareExperience happiness togetherHolding each other in high regardCounting on each other in times of needMutual understandingSharing of self and possessionsReceiving emotional supportGiving emotional supportCommunicating intimatelyValuing each other
21 Intimacy Development Eliminate Blockers Withdrawal or isolating the self (work, etc)Personal Rigidity (no compromise)Overt Self Righteousness (need to be right)Lack of Trustworthiness“We can only be intimate to the degree that we are willing to be open and vulnerable (Ornish, 1998)
22 Intimacy Development Enhancers Androgynous Personalities Expression of Genuine EmotionsEmpathic and Nurturing BehaviorsPaying Attention to OthersMutually Enjoyable ActivitiesCommunication (especially deep self-disclosure)Commitment
23 Enriching a Relationship Compliment not Criticize (5:1 ratio)Be curiousBe honest (no secrets)Plan togetherBe spontaneousDevelop traditionsTalk about individual and shared interests
24 Enriching a Relationship Spend Time TogetherBe AppreciativeFive Positives to Every One CriticismCommunicate (honesty & curiosity)Demonstrate AffectionBe SpontaneousDevelop Rituals