1. The Five Love Languages
Teenagers

2. Presentation Disclaimer
Every Family System is Unique
Every Teenager is Unique
Brain Functioning
Genetic Temperament
Some Approaches are Better Suited to Different Adolescents

3. The Family System: What Does a Child Need
The adolescent belongs to a system
What is going on in that system?
Developmental Changes
Connection - Regulation – Autonomy
Connection- emotional bond
Regulation- rules and structure
Autonomy- independence (emotional, spiritual, intellectual, relational)

4. Connection Love languages Regulation is related to love
Can you love to much?
No! Don’t confuse love and control.

5. Love Languages Everyone has a Love Tank We Receive Love Differently
There are Five Primary Love Languages
Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Gifts

6. 30 Second Love Language Test
I feel loved when people express how grateful they are for me, and for the simple things I do
I feel especially loved when a person gives me undivided attention and spends time with me
I feel especially loved by someone who brings me gifts and other tangible expressions of love
I feel especially loved when others do things for me
I feel especially loved when a person expresses love through physical contact

7. Words of Affirmation Love Language #1
During and Unsure Time They Need to be Assured
Words of Praise (focus on behavior)
Be Sincere
Be Specific
Words of Affection (focus on teenager)
“I love you”
When and Where
“I enjoy you”
“You’ are _____ (great, wonderful, …..”

8. Physical Touch Love Language #2
Time
The anti-touch time
Place
Public Settings (autonomy)
Appropriate Manner for Physical Touch
Hug, Back Rub, Hold Hands, Pats etc.
Just because you like it doesn’t mean they do
Example: “I feel like a kitty”
Physical Touch to Correct
A Word to Fathers
Daughters- Physical Dev.; Sons- Boy Code
Abuse

9. Quality Time Love Language #3
Challenges
Movement Towards Peers is Normal
Giving Undivided Attention
Challenges (Time and Focus)
Proximity is not Togetherness
Sports
Focus on the Teenager
Quality Activities (Plan with Them)
Focus on Hearing not Saying (next slide)

10. Guidelines for Quality Conversations
Maintain Eye Contact
Don’t Multitask
Listen for Feelings
Observe Body Language
Refuse to Interrupt
Ask Reflective Questions
Express Understanding
Ask Permission to Share Your Perspective
Rate Differences
Average rate of speech is125 to 175 words per minute whereas the brain can process 500 to 1,000 words a minute (challenge to not wander in our thoughts)

11. Interpersonal Communication Model
Noise
Interference
Noise
Interference
Senders
Actions
(Public)
Effect On
Listener
(Private)
Senders
Intentions
(Private)
Senders Style
Of Encoding
Listeners
Style Of
Decoding

12. Acts of Service Love Language #4
Attitude
Daily and Mundane Acts: Duty or Loving Service?
Manipulation or Behavior Modification
I will do _____ if you will ______.
Modeling and Reciprocal Love
Teach Independence
Guideline: Do acts of service for them that they cannot do for themselves
Family Game
“I really appreciate that…”

13. Gifts Love Language #5
Gift- a visible, tangible evidence of emotional love
Greek word for gift (charis)- undeserved gift
Undeserved, Not a reward, not a manipulation
Gift Giving and the Ceremony
Jacob “We love you and want you to have this”
Jesse “We love you and would like to pay for..”
Counterfeit Gifts- gifts designed to take the place of true love
You Cannot Buy Love

14. Discovering Their Love Language
Parental Flexibility
Developmental Changes
Mood Changes Due to Environment
Steps to Discovery
Ask Questions
What would make our relationship better?
Make Observations
How do they show love?
Experiment
Treatment= Tx (Tx1 then Tx2 then Tx3 etc…)
Give them a choice between Tx1

15. Discovering Their Love Language
You Possess the Power to Determine a Child’s Love Language by What You Do or Do Not Do.

16. Love and Anger The adolescent belongs to a system
What is going on in that system?
Developmental Changes
Connection - Regulation – Autonomy
Connection- emotional bond
Regulation- rules and structure
Autonomy- independence (emotional, spiritual, intellectual, relational)

17. Regulation Special Family Forum Rules about Rules
Rules should be as few as possible
Rules should be as clear as possible
Rules should be as fair as possible
Rules about Consequences
Should be determined before a violation
Should be administered with love
Should be administered with consistency
Teresa Langston

18. Autonomy Psychological Control
Controlling the thoughts, beliefs, and emotions of the child.
The message is that I don’t trust you to think for yourself.
Low self-esteem, poor motivation, poor decision making and problem solving skills.