Some Reminders: NVC (Non Violent Communication) Lasting Solutions – Peaceful resolutions Lets become aware!

Non Violent Communication! NVC As a reminder, NVC is a way to identify and express our feelings and needs in a manner that will help us to enrich our life and form deeper connections to our peers, teachers, and friends! The four components you learned about before will be the most helpful to express whatever you need too.

How to Start each Component 1.) Observations 2.) Feelings 3.) Needs/Wants 4.) Requests I see ______ I feel ______ Because I need/want ______ Would you be willing to _______

Using all 4 Components of NVC: 1.) Observations 2.)Feelings 3.) Needs/Wants 4.)Requests - Examples “Adam, when I see shoes under the coffee table, I feel irritated because I am needing more order in the living room. Would you be willing to put your shoes at the doorstep?” “I noticed that you didn’t come to my locker yesterday, I felt disappointed because I wanted to talk some things over with you that were bothering me. Would it be okay if I talked about them now?” “When you stand so close to me, I feel uncomfortable because I need more personal space. Would you be willing to take a step back or two?

Four options on how to receive a negative message The third component in the NVC model is to become aware of our feelings and the needs of ourselves and others. Needs are the resources that we require to maintain and improve our lives. Every person has needs, and whether or not our needs are met determines how we feel. If our needs are being met, we tend to experience comfortable feelings like happiness or peacefulness, and if our needs are not being met, we tend to experience uncomfortable feelings like frustration, sadness, and emotional pain.

However, much of the time we tend to think that our feelings are caused by someone or something else. When we hear what someone else says as blame or criticism, we tend to think that this criticism makes us feel bad. NVC teaches us that we are each responsible for how we hear what other people are saying. So, it is important to realize that although others can provide a impulse for our feelings, they can never be the cause of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say or do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that moment

We have a choice about how we hear criticism or other negative messages whether its verbal and nonverbal! In fact, we have four options on how to receive a negative message: We can either not use NVC and continue to feel sad and angry when we hear criticism from others by: Option 1. Blaming ourselves by choosing to take it personally, and accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves (guilt, shame, depression.) Option 2. Blaming Others by choosing to criticize others and invest all your energy in self-defense or revenge.

OR you can use NVC and accept responsibility for our own feelings to overcome anger directed toward you, and most likely to inspire compassion in others by: Option 3. Sensing of our own feelings and needs by becoming conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for our efforts to be recognized. Option 4. Sensing the other persons feelings and needs by empathizing for the others person’s needs they feel are not being met Hint* Expressing step 4 (empathy) followed by step 3 (honesty) is the most likely way to get your needs met.

The giraffe is a symbol of NVC because it is the animal with the biggest heart. Thus, when we are thinking and acting in terms of NVC, we are using our “Giraffe Ears” to sense either our own needs or others’ feelings and needs.

On the other hand, the jackal is the scavenger, attacking our weaknesses and allowing our unmet needs to cloud our ability to stay present, and therefore when we are listening with “Jackal Ears” we tend to hear blame or criticism rather than the feelings and needs behind words.

The Four Ears The giraffe part of us sees two ways to connect in any moment. Giraffe ears in senses our own feelings and needs. Giraffe ears out senses the feelings and needs of the other person. The giraffe is keenly aware of the choices she is making in every moment. Giraffe ears in Giraffe ears out

The Four Ears (cont) The jackal part of us uses judgements, criticism, and blaming to break connection. Jackal ears in judges and criticizes oneself, submitting. Jackal ears out judges and blaming the other person, attacking. The jackal may not see choices, but often responds in a habitual or automatic manner. Jackal ears in Jackal ears out

Example 1, choosing how to hear “You are the most self-centered person I’ve ever met.” ● Jackal in, choose to take it personally, and accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves (guilt, shame, depression): “Oh, I should’ve been more sensitive!” ● Jackal out, blame the speaker (and feel anger): “You have not right to say that! I am always considering your needs, You’re the one who is really self-centered.” ● Giraffe in, shine the light of consciousness on our own feelings and needs: “When I hear you saying that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition on my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.” ● Giraffe out, shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed: “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”

OptionsExample ResponseResults Blaming or criticizing ourselves (“Jackal Ears In”) “Oh, I should’ve been more __________.” Great cost to our self- esteem: feelings like guilt, shame, depression… Blaming or criticizing others (“Jackal Ears Out”) “You are________!”Anger, defensiveness, aggression Sensing our own feelings and needs (“Giraffe Ears In”) “When I hear you say_____, I feel______ because I need______.” Communication with openness and honesty that can result in meeting our needs. Sensing others’ feelings and needs (“Giraffe Ears Out”) “Are you feeling______ because you need____.” Communication with openness and empathy that can result in connection. Chart of the Four Options for Receiving Negative Messages

Lets try it out! Exercise: Think of a situation in which you’ve received message you didn’t like. How would you respond using each of the 4 options above?